A Sad Goodbye

Zane sees me and smiles.  He coughs.  I walk into the room, shutting the door for some privacy.  I walk to him and kneel beside the bed.  I take his cold hand in mine and press it to my lips. 

“Sara,” he says weakly.

“Zane,” I whisper. 

He smiles again, and it breaks my heart into a million little pieces.  Tears roll down my cheeks, and he wipes them away. 

“Don’t cry for me.” 

“How can I not?”

“I won’t be suffering anymore.”

I never thought of it that way, but I can’t live without him.  Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I can’t help it.

He laughs and says, “Do you remember our honeymoon?”

“Of course.”

“Hold on to those memories.  Not these.”

I start crying despite trying to be strong for him.  How was he facing this head on?  He’s so calm.

He stares at me, smiles and says, “Sexy Momma.”

I laugh.  His closes his eyes and laughs too.  And then, he’s gone.

I stop laughing and stare at him.   No.  No.  This isn’t right.

“Zane,” I whispered.  “ZANE!” I yell and shake him.  He can’t die.  He can’t leave me.

Soon, I’m surrounded by family and loud sobs.  Someone kneels beside me and holds me close as I cry.

We stand around the freshly dug grave as he’s lowered in the ground.  The preacher says nice things about him, gives us some Bible verses to help with the pain, and says that he’s better off in Heaven than on this earth.  Zane would agree, but I wonder why God hates me.  

There’s a knock at my bedroom door.   I scream for whoever that person is to go away but in walks Marilyn. 

“Get out of bed, Sara.”

“Go away.”

“You’ve been here for two weeks.  Zane wouldn’t have wanted this.”

I throw a pillow at her and scream again.  She ducks out of the way and stares at me like I’m a child.  I roll over and bury my face in the sheets that still smell like Zane.  The door closes behind her.

A month down to the day.  I sit on the couch and stare at the black television screen.  I’ve just received a letter saying that the company I work for has to let me go due to my extended absence.  I crumble the paper in my hand and toss it in the floor.  I don’t need the job anyway. 

My heart is missing.  The man who held it is gone forever.  There’s no getting it back.  How can I get over something like this in a month?  They’re all idiots!  I throw the remote sitting beside me on the coffee table.  It hits a figurine my mother gave me, and it shatters in tiny little pieces as it hits the hardwood floor.

I stand and walk into Zane’s office.  It’s the first time I’ve been in there since he was diagnosed.   Someone else has been there though, and I assume it was Marilyn.  I figure she’s the one who’s been paying my bills for me lately.  I need to thank her, but I don’t have the strength.  I sit in his desk chair which squeaks.  I look at the picture he has on his desk of Rose.  I flip the picture over where I don’t have to look at the reminder of everything we wouldn’t be able to have together.