A Sad Goodbye

“You all right?” he asks, worried.

I shake my head no. 

“Is there anything I can do?”

I shake my head again.  He stares for a moment and then walks away.  I can’t cry.  I can’t move, but I have to get home.  I have to see him.  I force myself to my feet, grab my phone and purse, and walk out of the store.  I get in my car and drive home thinking about what I will find when I get there.

I throw open the door to our house, and the family’s in the living room.  Most of them are crying, and I’m afraid I’m too late.  Marilyn pulls me into her arms.  I need supporting, but it feels like I’m the one supporting her. 

“Am I –“   I can’t finish the sentence.

She shakes her head no but follows it up with, “He’s askin’ for people but hasn’t gotten around to you yet.”

He wasn’t even asking for me?  I’m confused.  “No,” I say.

“Mom’s in there right now,” she answers.

“Have you called the doctor?”

Having heard us, Doctor Milligan walks up to me.  “Sara, I’m so sorry.”

“You have to do something!” I yell.

“You knew there wasn’t anything we could do.  The cancer had spread.  There wasn’t anything we could do,” he repeats. 

Momma takes me in her arms.  I didn’t even know she was there. 

“We’ll get through this, sweetie,” she says, but I don’t believe her.  It’s something all parents have to say. 

I stare at Dr. Milligan like he’s the enemy, and at the moment, I feel like he is.  He’s not even trying to help Zane.  He hangs his head, and I wonder if it’s in shame or just to escape my piercing gaze. 

Zane’s mom walks out of the room, crying.  She says, “He wants to talk to Marilyn.”

My heart sinks.  Why doesn’t he want to talk to me?  I should be in there with him. 

Mom says, “Give him time, honey.”

“Why isn’t he talkin’ to me?”  My words are slurred as I sob. 

“He will.”

“What if something happens before he gets to me?”

I feel like a blubbering child.

“You’ll get to talk to him.  Don’t worry.”

I nod, and she leads me to the sofa.  Two people stand and let us sit.  Mom offers me a cup of coffee, but I can’t drink anything.  I can’t think of anything but my Zane.  The man I had married ten years ago.  We were supposed to have more time.  Why was God doing this?  Why was he taking him away from me so soon?

I lay my head on Mom’s shoulder and cry.  She offers me a tissue that quickly becomes unusable. 

Time passes slowly, and he wants to see everyone but me.  His brother, Chad, his dad, my dad, my mom, even Dr. Milligan.  But when there’s no one else to see, he still doesn’t even ask for me, and I feel like my world is crashing in around me.  I want to see my husband. 

Eventually, Marilyn walks back to his room to check on him and comes back telling me that he has asked for me.  Now that the time has come, I’m not sure what I’m going to say to him. 

I walk, in what feels like slow motion, to our bedroom.  I pause at the opened door and stare at him.  He looks so fragile and pale.  He’s a shadow of the man I married.  Hot tears sting my eyes, and this is going to be hard.  I can’t tell him goodbye.  I refuse to.