I Am That Motherless Child
I thought my life was a joke once upon at time. Going from foster home to foster, praying that this or that person wouldn't hurt me. I remember many nights crying and praying for my mom to come rescue me, tuhhh that never happened, and when she finally came into my life she let the drugs take her away from me again. She loved drugs more than she loved me, and I'm just calling it how I see it. I love my mother true enough, but the question is!! Did she ever love me? will she ever love me? That's a good question. I stop caring a long time ago, and she gave me every reason to. Growing up feeling like I did something wrong, or thinking to myself like, what can I do to get her to want me, to see me, to hear me? I wondered if my mom ever thought about me. I wondered if my mom was in my life would I have avoided all the hurt, pain and abused I endured as a kid. Probably not!!! All I ever wanted was to feel excepted by her. I don't know why!! I ask myself "how can you miss something she never gave or showed?" I know right. But that didn't stop me from wanting my drug addicted mother. I barley even know the woman, but yet I constantly tried to get to know her, I constantly tried to show her that I'm her daughter and I love her. But she shows me time and time again that she doesn't care about nothing I have going on in my life or even me. I only wanted her to see me. I mean from a little girl, she never wanted me. But I forgave her and allowed her in my life time and time again. But it hits different when you older. Imagine your mother who never raised telling you, you gave your rapist the pussy... I was 17 when that happened. The sad part is I never shared that story with her. That cut me deep to the core, I couldn't believe the woman who never raised me, who never got to really get to know me, my mother could just disrespect me like that, to point all I can do is cry. I was taught to never disrespect her, always do my part as her daughter. That's the way God Said I should be. So I never disrespected her, even when I wanted to on several occasions. It's 7 of us and guess who's the black sheep of them all??? You guessed right. ME!!! She always acted like she hated me and I felt like she did. The hardest part about being abandoned by your mom and thrown into the system, becoming a foster kid. Was always wanting to be accepted, Always wanting to fit in. My Life was Hell!! But I made a vow to myself, I'll never allow my mother to hurt me again. I am the ambassador of my bloodline, and I have the power to break generational curses. I started doing just that. I had to let go of the hurt my mom caused me. I realized her mom did her the same way. But I will not be her guilt trip. I will show her that no matter what the devil meant for evil God we'll turn it around and make greatness.
I Am That Motherless Child.
