Now I Exist

Endings are beginings.

Author's note.
Welcome to book 2 of While I Exist. Please read the first book because it will totally explain what is happening in this book.

Ps. This book can also be read as an independent story on its own.
Please enjoy.

I was terrified of seeing you again. I played the picture in my head over and over. I couldn't stop replaying the image in my mind. I just played it over and over in my mind. You guys together, the conversations you had , have and still will have. I imagined all the things you guys were doing and could do and still knew that just because I had the picture in my head didn't mean that I was ready to see it happen. To watch it happen.

Today I decided to choose better paths. I say paths because I do-not know where I go from here. I do not know if I am going to take one path or many. I'm not sure where I head from here but I know about today.
Today I did great.
How come it's you who is afraid to look me in the eye, how come it's you who can't bear to stand in the same room with me. How come it's you who literally runs away from me.

Well, you smiled when you said hello.... you kept avoiding my gaze. Don't worry.... I won't say I love you.... In fact it may be too soon but after all these days of trying so hard to move on from you... it finally worked. There were no butterflies.... my heart didn't beat so fast when I saw you.... well I'm still so self conscious around you but well.... what do you expect?
I was madly in love with you just yesterday.

How are you..... I find myself almost asking. But it's not my place to ask anymore. It's someone else's job. Now and in the future.
Today I smiled.... I listened to music, I swayed and danced to it. I talked to people, I hugged them.... I ate my meals happily. I smiled when I looked at myself in the mirror.
I'm creating space to love myself more.... and God, I pray it works out.

I'm creating space for self love and lately I'm paying more attention to conditions and things that seem to pull me under. I'm working so hard at forgetting you.... well, I cannot move on from you totally. You never really do when it comes to people and every now and then you walk by something or hear something and then you are taken back. I know guys I've loved in the past that I totally admire to date.... it just doesn't really go away.

I used to feel bad for loving you. And the others that came before you and I am learning that I should just be grateful about the fact that I have all this love to give. Every now and then I keep having all this too much love to love again. I was talking to a friend of mine and she told me to feel lucky even about the stuff that may seem disturbing.

Thank you for letting me love you. For not being weird when things got to where they are. We still talk about stuff, make jokes and play about like nothing happened and it is such a mess but it's also okay. Somehow we find a way to be okay. I'm teaching myself to move on from you. To let you stay behind me.....

I met a cute guy today. He is really cute. With clear eyes and blond hair and a very great sense of style and I'll probably never see him.... and he me. There are chances that he never wants to see me and probably doesn't even give two shits about me and I don't know god this goes between us but well, for now..... there are something's I know.  He is literally perfect. He has this light about him.... it literally shows in his pictures and he seems full of life and takes random selfies of things and goes to places and loves going to places..... he seems to care about what he puts on and he is awesome from a picture point of view..... he ... I don't know.... he has this thing about him I cannot put a finger onto..... he sends smiley emojis..... he knows random things I haven't even told him about.... well maybe he read it on a random post of me..... I don't know. Or maybe he just actually checked it out..... I don't know.
He is not very conversational.... and maybe I don't understand what he says in some of his texts and maybe I just don't know anything at all all I know is right now, his clear eyes are on my mind. He has this thing he didn't even do for me..... it's just his thing and I want to say I'm not thinking about it.....but boy if I am not..... maybe .... and maybe I'll ask him to be my friend..... I think I would like that.
I hope he would actually like that..... as well. I hope when I ask him he will say okay..... and not the weird kind of okay because someone has nothing else to answer.