You Are Not Alone

Part 1 ~ The Hunt

"Son, you step out that door and you can stay out"
"You'll never be good enough"
"No one wants you"
"At least your brother can take orders"

All the voices were driving Sam crazy. They never stopped. Even when he was awake, they were always there, nagging him, reminding him of how the world would be a much better place without him.

"You're poison to everyone you meet"
"All you do is mess everything up"
"Maybe you should just leave"
"You're a monster Sammy"

Dean always asked why Sam was such a nerd, why he was always reading up on new lore or languages. Sam always told him some variation of because 'knowledge helps the brain'. What Sam never told him was that learning new things was the only way he could distract himself from his thoughts. The only way he could think clearly.

When Dean first walked into his room all those years ago, Sam was only meant to be gone two nights, but then again nobody ever really gets out of the hunter life. Sam knew that since he'd got involved with all those supernatural entities he was never going to be able to just go back to normal. He'd always feel a sense of responsibility towards anyone in trouble, and because of who he was, and who he'd been raised to be, he'd always have to help the person who was suffering. It was just who he was.

Even after everything the brothers had survived, and all those they'd saved since that night, Sam still felt that what they did wasn't worth all the pain and death that they caused. No matter how many times Sam told himself that they were making the world a better place he couldn't believe it. Dean was the one who had faith in what they did. He was the one who believed they had to carry on no matter what, no matter who they lost along the way.

Sam knew that when you're a hunter you can't get too attached to anyone because, no matter how good they are, everyone dies. Being a hunter was never meant to be fun, and Sam knew that when he died it'd be at the edge of a blade or the barrel of a gun, but he just wished that not everyone else had to die as well.

Sam used to imagine what his life could have been like if he hadn't been raised into the hunter life. Bobby, Charlie, Kevin, Ellen, Jo, Rufus, Jessica. They'd all still be alive. He'd still have parents. But Sam had stopped imagining that perfect world a long time ago.

Sam knew that in an 'ideal' world him and his brother would be in some kind of asylum because of the monsters they believed in. In an 'ideal' world Sam would probably be the one putting them there because it would keep other people safe from their crazy. But no matter how hard the Winchester's tried this world would never be the ideal world where hunters didn't exist. Where monsters didn't exist.

With that morbid through still in his head Sam decided it was probably time to get up. Rolling over, he saw Dean sprawled on his bed with beer all around him, no doubt the aftermath of a night out. Well this was gonna be fun.

"Rise and shine sleepyhead" Sam said, crawling out of bed and whipping open the curtains.

"Mmmmmm"

"You know you're gonna have to get up at some point"

Dean just groaned again in reply and covered his head with a pillow to block out the sunlight. Dean had never been a morning person and honestly Sam was always surprised at how this angry blob could become one of the best hunters in the world, although admittedly not without a few mugs of coffee first.

Grinning to himself, Sam manoeuvred  around the beer bottles which were strewn haphazardly all over the floor.

After he'd made it around all the bottles on the floor, Sam decided he should probably check to see if the motel room was clear. It was. It looked like Dean had left whatever, or whoever, he did at the bar. At least he still had some respect for their privacy.