Hot and Sticky Like the Sidewalk on an Australian Summer

Chapter 1: Breaking Bald

Shido knew he would NOT be welcome back in St. Canard. It was bad enough that he planned to seize control of the bustling metropolis and rule as its Ducktator, Il Ducke. Worse was his plan to sate his hunger and that of his golden riding lion with nearly endless dinners of crispy sapient duck meat. (Gotta feed those muscles with protein, yo.) So when he rode in on his lion-steed, its mane glistening in the sun like the sweat that beaded on Shido's manly brow, the citizens fled — well, waddled — for cover.

Shido spurred on his dodgem lion, gaining on the Wigeon family: the very fertile Mr. and Mrs. Wigeon with a huge batch of ducklings and yelled: "Here comes my digestive system!" Reaching down, he grabbed a couple of ducklings in his big mitts. "Now where can I get some decent hotpot around here?"

"My babies!" cried duckmom and duckdad.

But Shido just made his butt-lion rear up like a horse in an old western and took off. "This will be the end of your duck dynastyyyyy!" That man had pores that were just miniature assholes, he did.

Somewhere, Shido found a cauldron and plunked the ducklings inside. He looked at them in their little outfits from Eider-Beerman, then ripped the clothes from their feathered bodies. "Bad touch!" shouted, Chiloe, the girl. "Stranger danger!" yelled, Shelduck, the boy. "WE NEED AN ADULT!"

"I am the adultiest adult," rumbled Shido. "That's why I am eating duck instead of chicken nuggets."

After inciting a panic, terrorizing citizens, costing thousands in property damage, stealing children, making them naked, and announcing premeditated murder, Shido was not quite done. He busted out a crate of ramen noodles, the kind that comes with the spice packets. Ripping open the spice packet, he dumped the contents all over the ducklings and tossed the wrapper on the ground like a cockwomble.

JUST THEN...

The sky suddenly got dark. There was a flash of lightning even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Down dove the dashing, daring, dreamy, do-gooding Darkwing Duck! The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds.

"So, bald eagle here likes to litter and exploit little kids? I'm going to take you down for explittering. No, wait. LOITERING!"

Shido smiled one of those wiggly smiles that wrapped around his whole head. "Yeah? Do you have the slightest idea who you're talking to?"

Darkwing coolly adjusted his hat, like the badass bounty hunter in the old timey western I mentioned before. "A sitting duck."

Before Shido could say, "That was a terrible pun," Darkwing used his gnarliest Quack Fu to lay Shido flat. The dramatic duck pummeled him with Merganser kicks and Scaup burns. When Shido tried to get up and ask: "Where my lionmobile?" Darkwing dented his skull with his gun. Shido shook his fist, but all the dislodged bones rattled around. "You're gonna hear from my lawyer, you feathered f..." And Shido passed out without finishing his sentence. Rude.

The ducklings, peeking over the edge of the cauldron, saw everything. "Do it again!" they squealed. "Break his legs!" said Shelduck. "Break his eggs!" said Chiloe.

"Alright kids, that's enough violence," Darkwing said, then adding: "For now." But the kids were so excited to get to ride in the helicopter with Launchpad that they didn't hear it. "You go ahead and take the kids home, Launchpad." Launchpad was a savant and knew the address of everyone in St. Canard, so he flew them home without having to ask for directions. Darkwing stood over the unconscious Shido. "I'll deal with Wanker White. This criminal is going to be doing some serious community service."