HYYH 1 Notes (ENG)

The Things with Wings

The bird collapsed on the floor. It fluttered its wings again but failed
to rise into the air. YoonGi stood completely still and looked down at
the bird. I still couldn't see his face.
The bird flopped around the workroom in search of a way out. It bumped its wings into the wall and the chair, and the feathers that fell out drifted around on the floor. YoonGi was just gazing at it. His hand holding the lighter still hung in the air. He finally dropped his arm, sank down, and covered his head with both hands.

I went into his workroom that night. It was spacious but desolate. A dirty sofa, chair, and piano were all I could find there. Crumpled pieces of paper were scattered all over the floor. He must've tried to start a fire. Some of them looked like lines of music, with sentences of lyrics scribbled on them.

I looked around. I found the thing with wings. The bird was crouching behind the piano, with dried blood around the wounds on its wings. It seemed petrified and cowered in fear when I came near. Tiny drops of blood were smeared on the floor. Bread crumbs and water were set out in front of the piano.

I took a step back. Even if I let it out
the window, it wouldn't be able to fly yet. How long would it take for the wounds to heal? Would YoonGi remain safe and sound while the bird was staying here? Then, a thought came
to my mind. YoonGi must've stopped himself because of this. This wounded little bird. A fragile thing that couldn't protect or save itself. A tiny being that entrusted its life to YoonGi.

After that day, I had a realization. If
all the variables related to YoonGi's suicidal attempts existed within
YoonGi, why not drag at least one
of them out? I'd have to seek the right target and create the right situation.
A variable that could give YoonGi a reason to stop destroying himself. Someone who could share his scars
and desires. That someone wasn't me. "It's not something you can do alone."
I became painfully aware of the full meaning of these words I'd heard not long after all this started.

I realized that JungKook had the
same look in his eyes as YoonGi
when NamJoon said it. "JungKook
still has that photo." He meant the photo we took together on the beach
in high school. NamJoon seemingly wanted to let me know that JungKook was still thinking of me, but I was reminded of a completely different scene.

On the day we went looking for
that rock that made dreams come
true, we laughed, complained, and played under the scorching sun.
And, devastated at finding that the
rock had vanished, I cried out my dream, which even I couldn't hear,
to the sea.

At that moment, I saw JungKook yelling some question at YoonGi. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I could sense that it was important to JungKook. What did he ask YoonGi? Why him? I hadn't given it a second thought back then. YoonGi was not
as lively as HoSeok, not as friendly as JiMin, and not as reliable as NamJoon. Why was it YoonGi? I suddenly realized. It was YoonGi who saved JungKook. The two had the same look in their eyes.

It wasn't difficult to send JungKook to YoonGi. JungKook was alone at school and at home. He had nowhere to go after school. He usually spent his time at HoSeok's burger joint or wandered around NamJoon's container. I locked the door of the container and made HoSeok leave the store before JungKook dropped by. After roaming around for quite a while, JungKook finally headed for YoonGi's workroom. He seemed to have mixed feelings. Should I go in? What if he thinks I'm annoying? Expectation and fear both swirled across JungKook's face. Since that
day, he visited YoonGi's workroom everyday. At first, YoonGi flatly told
him to go away, but he didn't really mean it.

A shadow appeared shortly. It was JungKook. I buried myself deeper
into the seat. They didn't know I was back yet. Except for NamJoon, who I met at the gas station. NamJoon said everybody would be thrilled, but I refused to meet them. I was waiting
for the right moment. I had to wait
until all of us were together.