My Journal

4/11/19

I've been pretty hazy these last few days. I feel like I'm constantly sabotaging myself so matter what I'm doing. The stress has been getting to me to the point where I stayed up for 30 hours the other day, and when I did manage to sleep I only got about an hour of rest. I truly don't know what to do with all of the thoughts going through my head.

I also feel like I might be loosing it from the isolation I brought onto myself. Ever since I started going to an online school I haven't spoken to anyone besides my immediate family and my boyfriend. I don't know why I do that to myself. I just can't bring myself to speak to others that I don't know well. I can hardly go to the gas station to get myself a snack, let alone go hang out with a group of people. Maybe I deserve it.

There are lots of demons in me right now. So much that I think I'm at a lower point then when I tried to take my own life. I'm at such a low point that I wouldn't even do that. I don't think I deserve the release of death.

I've been trying my hardest to live my life healthily. I've stopped drinking soda almost entirely and I am controlling my eating habits the best I can with a little budget. I've also been giving myself a routine in order to try and stay upbeat. Every morning at 10 am I wake up my bird and give him and my rabbit their fresh food and water all before I have breakfast. I seem to have the most energy early in the morning so that's when I like do to things like cleaning and laundry, and in the afternoon is when I start to get down in the dumps. It's almost like doing things as simple as just cleaning helps keep my mind off of how much of a mess I am but when I run out of things to do I start thinking. I need to get a job. Maybe that would help keep me busy and the thoughts out of my head.