Too Far Apart • FIVE FEET APART

• Letter 4

Dear Will,

It has been a really long time, you know. Three years to be exact. Three years ago, you left me for my own good. Two years ago, you died without me. You died without having seen me, and without me getting to see you.

The only time I saw you was when you lay in your coffin, face-up, eyes closed softly, lips in a small, fresh smile.

I don't remember what you were wearing. I don't remember what your hair was like. All I saw was your face, and then I ran.

Don't hate me. Please. I couldn't stand there and face it. Death, that had once been my every day. I lived a life of presumed death, consistently bracing myself for mine. But when Abby died, it was like I'd been shown the light.

Death isn't something you can prepare for. At least, for people who are not us.

First, Abby. Then, Poe. Now you.

It's hard, you know? To cope with death. To cope with life. This whole f*cking situation is just hard.

See, I'm crying now. I'm crying like a g*ddamn spoiled brat and a whiner and a baby. I'm crying like I haven't had fifteen surgeries since the time I was born.

Will....

I have a confession to make.

I love you. And I don't know how to love Brendan too, because it's like I'm cheating. Does that make sense? You've never left me. Not in these three years. But at the same time, I know you're never coming back.

I'll never forget what we had, but I don't want to miss out on other incredible things. Like other loves. New loves.

Brendan.

I'm so sorry, Will. I wish I could speak to you, because then I'd know what you think. Maybe then, if you gave me your consent, or even just a few soothing words, and one last I love you, I could exhale this suffocating breath that's stopped me from living. But, if you told me not to do this, and that you're not okay with this at all, then at least I'd know where I stand. At least I'd know what's happening and how you're feeling. Even if I'm hurting you.

Well.

I guess I've just solved my own problem.

For the record, for you, for the world to know with all my heart, I love you. Just because I'll fall in love again doesn't mean I'll forget you. I hope you know that.

With love,
Stella.

PS. I promise I'll be in good hands.