vitreous / hs. (DISCONTINUED)

barren feelings

I don’t know how it’ll ever get better. For me, for her, for Arrow, for anyone. I always thought this was a one-way ticket straight down a cliff and once you’ve fallen down you can’t just get back up. You’re stuck falling forever. The fall is so long it lasts centuries and all you can feel for days and days is the gravity pulling at your chest while you’re stuck falling alone and alone and alone.

There’s no one falling with you because you’re just so alone in everything and you can practically feel your body caving into itself and your ribs start to crack and your heart hurts and there’s no one there to grab your arm or even catch you at the bottom because it just feels so bottomless and then one day you hit the bottom and you break and hit it hard.

“Hey Ines?” I said, staring at the wall in front of me instead of at her. Her gaze made me uncomfortable at times so I tried to avoid it.

“Mmhm?”

“How do you get back up the cliff once you’ve fallen down?”

She took a moment to answer. “I’m not sure.”

I sighed, disappointed that Ines didn’t have an answer. I was kind of hoping for one. I wasn’t even going to cry this time. I just felt numb all over and the fall was pulling at my chest. I was falling still. I’d been falling for a while, almost too long. Years. And what fucking sucks about the cliff is that its not you who jumps off; you get pushed.

-X-

I’d been staring at the wall for forty five minutes now and my eyes felt dry. At least I wasn’t crying. Crying made me feel like a baby.

Ines had fallen asleep, even though it was like two in the afternoon, and I had hardly done so much as blink. I was contemplating going to sleep when a knock echoed on the metal door. I looked up with my eyes and saw a tall black woman’s head in the book-sized window.

I didn’t stand up to answer because it was always locked from the outside, so I waited for the woman to come inside. I heard the keypad beeping as she entered the code and then the door was pushed open and it was hardly a tall black woman who entered.

It was Arrow.

His eyes immediately found me and lit up. Naomi walked in behind him, her hand on the doorframe as she nudged his back, pushing him in further. I stood up. “What’s going on?”

Arrow gave me an ‘I have no fucking clue’ look and so my gaze followed to Naomi, asking her next. She smiled softly.

“Figured you guys would benefit from a little more time together,” she said. “You’re roommates now.”

“More like cellmates.” Ines interjected before I could speak. She continued, “Where the hell am I going? Is this not my business either?”

“You’re going into Harry’s room to join his roommate.”