Flightless

Space

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."
–Vicki Harrison
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I can see space. I can see the darkness, but along with the darkness I see the stars. Spread out unevenly across the universe, like freckles.
I see a big star too, a very bright one. It stands in the middle of where I am looking. I reach out to touch it, but i feel nothing. It's lighting up the darkness, and the much smaller stars. Everything is just like space. But instead of floating, I am falling. I'm falling away from the bright light. Slowly, though. Slowly I fall through the stars and the darkness. I let myself fall awhile, but then everything becomes darker. The lights becoming smaller and the darkness seems to outgrow it. I fight back, so I don't fall anymore. I fight against space and everything in it. The big star still stands in the same spot, but I feel as if it's getting even farther. I fight harder than I ever have before, just to get to the light. There's something in there, I know it, I need to get to it. I pull and I push until I'm nearly there. I reach out again, to touch it once more, and this time I feel something. I feel life inside. And that life makes me feel alive. Everything around me is being consumed by the light, including myself. The lights too bright now. I shut my eyes for a few seconds, letting everything go. But when I open them, I'm not in space anymore. I'm back on earth, in a room. "Hello Nathan . How are you feeling?" A man in a white coat asks me. He isn't a man in a white coat, he's a doctor. And this isn't just a room, it's a hospital room. "What happened?" I ask, sluggishly. He takes a few steps away from the bed, giving me room to fully wake up. "You were in an accident. Do you remember anything?" I fall silent while my brain tries to remember the accident. "No. No nothings there. What's wrong with me doc? Why am I here?" "Some kind of miracle Nathan, nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. No broken bones, no internal bleeding. It's incredible." How bad was the accident? Why would I be so terribly injured? "Was I the one driving?" "No." "Who was?" He let out a long sigh. He doesn't want to say. "Your family is here to see you, maybe you should talk to them first." He walks towards the shut door and pokes his head out. There's words but I can't hear what they are. Something about me being awake, because my mother comes charging into the room. "Nathan! Oh!" She wraps her arms around me, and holds on tight for a minute. "I love you, I love you. I'm so happy you're alive. We all are." My Dad and sister are standing behind her, teary eyed and smiling. "Ma?" She lets go. "Yeah?" "What happened?" "Oh, baby. You were in an accident. You're okay, you're okay." "I know that." I try to stand but she grabs my arm, letting me know to stay down. "I mean...what happened? Was I driving? Was someone else with me? You gotta tell me, ma." She doesn't want to, I can see it in her eyes. But I need to know, and she knows that. "Nathan..." "Ma please!" She sighs, "No...you weren't driving." "Then who was?" She takes my hand. "You were leaving the party and on the way back-" "What party?" "I don't know, Nathan. You never told me. You didn't even tell me you were going to a party." A sickening feeling starts to form in my stomach. I always snuck out to parties, but this time I feel bad. "Sorry ma." "It's okay. It's okay." She looks down. "What happened after that?" "You and a couple friends, you guys got into a car and..." her voice trails off. "And? And what?" She looks at my father "Honey...why don't you take Abby down to the food court or something." He nods, he knows something. But by the look on Abby's face, she doesn't know either. It must be something horrible if you can't even tell a twelve year old. "The driver, Nathan, he was shot. Drove the car right off the road-" "Who?" "Who what?" "Who was the driver?" She looks back at the ground. "Baby..." "mom!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It was Leo. Leo was the driver." Leo. Leo Murray. He was on the school's hockey team. He had a scholarship too. Really awesome kid, always had parties, always had friends. Everyone was jealous of him, but nobody would shoot him. "Shit. Is he okay?" She looks at me with an expression I've never seen before. Confusion and pity, it kinda looks like. "No...No Nathan he died..." I feel like she's lying...Like it isn't true. Leo couldn't be dead. He just...couldn't. "I'm so sorry Nathan. I wish I could do something." She can't do anything, he's dead. "Anyone else in the car? Ma?" She nods. "Ryan...Ryan was there too. Nolan. They're all dead, baby. I'm so sorry." She's sobbing, but she tries to hide it. She always talked about being strong. Don't show your emotions, don't let people know your breaking point. But what are you supposed to do when your best friends are dead? What do you do when you should be dead with them? "I'm going for a walk." I stand up, but my mother puts her hand on my arm. "Nathan...just lay down. You-" "I'm fine. I'm not injured. I just need a walk, okay?" She releases her hand from my arm. "I wish you would talk to me. I know you're hurting." I ignore her. I walk down the hall, trying my best to hide from the entire hospital staff. My mind is pacing. Leo's dead. Ryan and Nolan are, too. It doesn't sound right. I don't think it is real. It's just not real. I can't even cry. What kind of sicko doesn't cry after their friends death? I don't even feel sad. I feel...angry. Angry at the asshole who shot Leo. Angry at Leo for dying. Angry at him driving off the road. Angry that Nolan and Ryan are dead, too. Whoever did this, and I swear on Leo, Nolan, and Ryan's grave, will die. I'll make sure he'll die. I'll kill him myself. I'm going to blow his brains out. Or maybe burn him alive. It doesn't matter, because I'm going to kill him.