Your eyes, My Poetry

Chapter 14

Tina Knowles has a wide array of flaws as a mother, daughter, sister, and woman. I realize now that we aren't that different at our core.

Women with a strong sense of pride, and a palpable sense of right and wrong.

Even though I have managed to convince myself that I am a lot more open minded than she is when it comes to worldly issues, I'm no more accepting of people different from me than she is.

Part of her responsibility as a Christian woman is to have her life in order whenever he number is called. All my life, I have been taught that having my life in order was a spiritual reference. That if I had accepted Jesus and lived according to those strict principles in the bible, then my work was complete and good.

My mother was still religiously attending church, paying her tithes and offerings, and living a good and clean life according to biblical principles, but I didn't believe her life was in order. The devastating news I received from Solange, was even more devastating because neither me nor Solange had been on speaking terms with her. How can your life be in order if your children find fault with you?

What kind of God would accommodate a mother who left her kids thirsting for her acceptance and love? What kind of Heaven could she really enjoy with that knowledge? If she was going to die on us, leaving us with regret for the rest of our lives, how could she live with herself in Heaven? Eternal separation from God is commonly said to be hell. Then what was eternal separation from your children?

I made it to the hospital, and rushed to the front desk.

"Tina Knowles, she's my mom," I said to the nurse. I hadn't begun to cry or even show emotion. I felt drugged.

I was led to ER where Solange was waiting outside. My head prepared for the absolute worst, while my heart remained unavailable and out of my mental grasp. I felt like I was walking inside of a dream, and these people represented projections of my fears and hurts. Solange approached me, unsure of each step she took. I asked, "What is wrong with momma?"

"She's unconscious," Solo cried. "They are saying a coma."

I walked toward the door but nurses were coming toward me. "Ma'am. You can't go in there," they said.

I walked inside and pushed back a curtain and saw doctors carefully trying to get my mother to respond. A heart monitor was beeping, and my mom was shaking like the people on TV do when struck by lightening. Her eyes appeared to be open, though I saw no pupil.

"Mom," I called out, expecting her to look at me. She continued shaking, but didn't respond.

"Get her out," a doctor said in my direction. Nurses reached for me, I tried to break through to see what was happening to my mother. Why was she shaking like that? Why was her body movements so disconnected and sporadic? And why were they trying to lead me away?

"STOP!" I screamed. I was held back, and heard my sister yelling, though my mind didn't process the words. The emotion hit me then, as did the floor when I stumbled into a wall and rocked my head. The emotion I felt was pain.

Making a scene in the emergency room didn't embarrass me until I had a sip of water and saw a little kid looking at me from across the hallway. I focused on him briefly before turning back towards the talking doctor. His breath was cool and fresh. His eyes were remorseful and concerned. I tilted my head, trying to understand what he was saying to me.

"Are you okay?" I heard. I breathed out, and noticed Solange and standing above me. I was sitting on the floor, and my head was throbbing.

I looked the doctor in his eye. "What's wrong with my mom?"