Your eyes, My Poetry

Chapter 6

Wallace switched the whole plan on me. We were supposed to go together, but when Ju's boxing match got rescheduled for the same day as the wedding, he told me to go alone.

We argued about it, but he ended it by saying he trusted me. He kissed my forehead and that was that.

He helped me pack. I felt incredibly awkward packing panties. We shared a look, though we shared no thoughts on it. God, what was I doing? How was this healthy for either of us?

I was only planning to be there for two nights. The wedding was that evening and my flight was scheduled to leave at 1. Kelly made a house call and did my hair early that morning around 4 am, but we were still pushing it. I would have been screwed if the flight had been canceled or anything, but fortunately everything fell into place on this frantic morning.

I was so nervous. Almost felt like I was the one getting married.

"Mommy, you look different," Shan blurted out as we were driving to the airport.

I smiled. "I do? How do I look different, Shantelle Knowles?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. I like you better the other look."

I turned around to see her.

"Why can't I go to duh weddin'? she asked.

"You gotta go see Ju have his boxing match. Mommy is just going to the wedding."

She sucked her teeth. "I wanna go witchu."

"You can't, sweety," I said.

"Why?"

"Shan. You can't. Stop asking why," Wallace said, sternly.

She shut up, then. I did too.

I had dealt with panic attacks for about 12 years. I could feel it coming on. I started thinking about breathing, which caused me to be unable to breath naturally. I tightened the grip of my daughters hands as we walked to the gate, to the point where she was telling me I was hurting her hand. I looked down at her. My little girl. An offspring of the life I chose.

I turned to Wallace. "I don't think I want to go."

He searched me.

"You sure?"

The stewardess at the door was looking at us. I paid her no mind.

"I...I don't think I should get on that plane, Wallace," I said.

"Bee. If you don't want to go, then we can leave right now," he said, staring hard at me. "But you should do exactly what you want to do."

We hugged, and I laid my head on his shoulder as people walked past us to the plane. He kissed my cheek. I looked at my daughter who was looking confused.

"Give mommy a BIG kiss and hug," I smiled at her, making sure not to show her any tears.

I hugged her. I kissed her. I met my husband face to face again, and we pecked on the lips.

"Ma'am?" the lady asked. Seems I was the last one to board.

I looked at Wallace one more time.

"Come back to me safely," he smiled.

"You trust me?"

"You remember what happened the first time you asked me that," he grinned.

I tried to read on the plane, but I couldn't. Tried to write, but failed at that as well. So I slept. Slept uncomfortably and had a nightmare that Wallace and Shan walked in on me fucking Carter. I woke up sweating.