there are days when i feel like clawing my very own skin off. days when i feel like i'm disgusting and awful. days when i sink so deep into a hole of self-hatred that i don't feel like i'll ever be able to come out.
today, unfortunately, happens to be one of those days.
i don't get why. i don't get why i'm fat and flabby all over. it doesn't seem to go away no matter how much i exercise. it doesn't seem to go away no matter how little or how healthy i eat. it never seems to lessen and i hate it. it makes me feel ugly. and worthless. i look at kids my age and their all thin or fit or just a normal size and then there's me. not a normal size for someone of her age. it makes me afraid to wear shorter clothes because i have weird looking arms due to the fat. i have a tummy. i have large thighs. and it looks awful.
i don't get why. i don't get why i had to have so much acne all over. i'm not talking about face acne, that's normal for kids my age. i'm talking about the acne on my arms, on my thighs, all over my back, just on my jawline. everywhere. it makes me afraid to wear half-sleeves or sleeveless because it's so unattractive. it's so horrible to see.
i don't get why. i don't get why i'm so short. i hate the fact that my genes are such that i'm short. i hate being short. i hate feeling small. and people making fun of me doesn't make it any better. i sometimes laugh along with them because it is genuinely funny, but only to an extent. after that point, it's annoying because it simply adds to my insecurities. my height makes me feel small and insignificant and so i push myself to outwardly act fearless, as if i could conquer the world. little do outside people know, i can't even stop a war going on inside of me, so how will i conquer the world.
i don't get why. i just don't.
there's a tag on the back of my trackpants that's irritating my skin so much that i want to scratch of the tag and the skin so that i never have to feel anything bothersome again.
i want to rip my face off. i want to rip off my scalp, my skin, the very thing that forms the appearance of my features. i don't want it anymore. i hate it.
and i know. i should be grateful. i have a family that's together. i'm privileged. i have an education, i have food, i have all that. but i can't find it in me to be happy anymore. i don't know where it went.
is this an edgy teenage thing? does this happen to everyone? because i can't stand hating myself for longer than i have to.
i take one look at myself in the mirror. i hate what i see. fat everywhere. acne everywhere. red marks from scratches. two toned skin. it's disgusting. it's utterly vile.
