The First Time

            This was a first. A horrible one, to be exact.

           Let us start with something light-hearted. Sometimes, you ended up falling in love with someone unexpected. Dear ladies, I'm sure we all had that moment when we scrolled through pictures of young men, fawning over their looks and claiming which one was yours. I'm sure everyone of us has screamed when our favourite movie stars--or should I say "our husband/boyfriend" appear on our television screen. Or remember those times we indulged in our favourite Disney movies and wondered when we are going to meet our own Prince Charming? This may seem embarrassing but I dreamt of marrying a man with a "good boy image". Pardon me for being thick-skinned, but perhaps someone like Lee Seungi?

           For the first time in my life, my heart leapt when a boy came into a room. He was just like any other mediocre boys in my school whom I have known for a few years. I wanted someone with mono-lids. Someone with a great voice. Someone who is neat. Guess what? He was none of those things. In fact, he was pretty much the opposite. With his thick sleek jet black hair and dark eyes, the boy tugged his hands into the pocket of his dark blue baggy trousers as he shuffled into the class. He awkwardly scratched his head and gave me a thin smile. He dragged the chair the next to me. I wrinkled my nose at the horrid noise produced. He sensed my discomfort, and gave me a sheepish smile and mumbled a word of apology. I looked up to meet his rather large, deep eyes and looked away. My face was burning. I calmed myself down and managed to say that it was fine. What was happening to me? Why was I feeling this way towards him? What is this weird attraction I've been feeling for a few months? He's nothing like I wanted. There's something about the way he looks at me. There's something about the way he smiles. It was an unusual and sort-of-disturbing feeling. My stomach hurts a tiny bit and it feels like the muscles from it seems to separate and twist into complicated and beautiful knots. Yet, I feel good. It was rather sweet in its own way. It was a phenomenon in its own way. 

                 Up to this point, this seems like your typical schoolgirl's crush scenario. However, something disturbing was happening behind closed doors. Little did I know that the teacher came in a few minutes ago and that the lesson has already begun while I was wrestling with my thoughts. Seeing that I was deep in thought and smiling like an eccentric person,his face turned into a frown. Mr Lim walked to my table and pretended to drop his pen. He lowered his head so close that he was just a few inches away from my face. He then casually placed his hand on my knee and whispered to my ear, "Jenny dear, pay attention and do your work." I fidgeted in my seat and felt a shudder ran across my spine as I looked around to see if anyone in the class notice what was happening. Everyone was engrossed in their work that they didn't notice. I felt like screaming ...this has been ongoing for a few months. 

               At first, it was just a normal, friendly teacher-student relationship. Wait, no. We go all the way back. I knew him since I was in Primary One. We went to the same church. He was my Sunday school teacher. He was everything to me--a best friend, a confidant and most importantly--a father--a father I never had. Fate has twisted ways; for he unexpectedly transferred to my school.He was just concerned over my failing History test results and began giving me private one-to-one lessons after school. He was someone dear to me. I confided my worries to him and he was a wonderful listener. He would sit down and comfort me. He always had something pleasant to say. The relationship started escalating over a span of six months and he began to visit my family almost everyday for friendly chats after school. 

                  After a while, he began touching me casually whenever we were alone. Most of the time,he would touch my shoulders or legs. I would try to brush off his hand but he still insisted on touching me. Well, I am guilty of one thing. I enjoyed it. At the start.Coming from someone with an estranged relationship with her father, I was happy with the male attention I was getting. However, I started getting uncomfortable with him after a period of time. His touches became more and more extreme. Once, he pinned me to my bedroom wall and with dangerous-looking eyes, he urged me to fight back. I wanted to tell someone...I really wanted to... but will anyone believe me? My family admires him as a teacher and everyone in school sees him as a respectable  teacher. Well, who wouldn't, right? Here's a guy who volunteered regularly at the local church. Here's a guy who takes his time off to counsel troubled youths in the school. Here's a guy whom I loved as a father. But more importantly, I wanted to protect him. As sick as this sounds, he was still a father to me. How can I hurt my father? I loved him.