Horror movies.

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It occured to me that my last focus was mainly on slasher/murderer type killers. The ones that are human who have something fucked up in their psyche. Regaurdless, I would now like to focus on the killers who still have something messed up in their brain, but they're not really human. That's right baby, the undead, Zombies.

These mother fuckers don't fuck around, they want your flesh, and they will do anything they can to get your tastey (has been reported by cannibals to taste like pig flesh, and yes, as hard as it is to believe: there are some civilized cannibals. Or so I think they're civilized considering the fact that their opinions on the taste of human flesh were recorded. Maybe some freak just tried it out and kept a journal. I'm not sure.) flesh. Sorry to lead off there. I came back though! The point without the side note is zombies want your tastey flesh.

Anyway, as we all know there are a thousand and one movies about those that revive after death. So we all know that they can move at any speed. ANY speed. A full blown run even. Yeah, unforunatly the 80's are over and slow moving zombies aren't in the cards any more. Though technically large ammounts of movent from the zombies would cause the dead tissue to deteriorate faster, but really who has ever taken notice. Just saying.

Moving on, the main point being: there are five thousand and one movies out there, and there are always supid people who just don't use common sense. So here's some more tips and just plain ranting at peoples stupididty.

The biggest mistake that anyone could ever make when attempting to fight off an army of the undead is bringing fire into the fight. Seriously? You fucking dumbass, not only have you not killed the zombie but you now have a flaming dead mother fucker that is more likely to kill you. If you catch on fire it's gonna hurt like no fucking tomorrow, Mr. Dead-and-wants-your-brains over there can't feel shit. Know why? Because along with him dieing his nerve endings also stopped working. So the pain that he is supposed to feel is nothing. He also won't suffocate, why you ask, because he doesn't really need air. Yes he will eventually burn up to a crisp, but it won't happen quickly, I know you think it will, but no. He's not a vampire that you can just stake through the heart and then he'll turn to ash. No he's like a giant log that you're wanting to burn like a piece of paper. It's not going to happen.

So, you think it's smart to hide in the mall? Wow, you're just a fucking genius. There's just one small problem with your plan smarty pants: most mall entrances and exits are glass doors. Do you really think a piece of glass not even half an inch thick will keep out the undead, especially with all of their banging and crowding around the doors. Smart move. On top of that, you're a sitting duck. With little food. Yeah malls weren't made for holding large amounts of food. Maybe three days worth at most. But most of that yummy-and-totally-bad-for-you-food gets dumped at the end of everyday. So good goin Mr. Teamleader. Way to fuck everyone over.

I really hate to say it, but in all of the movies have you ever seen a fat person live? Wanna know why? Of course you do!! That's why you're reading this! It's because fat people are not good runners. Sorry, but true. Being fat in a Zombie outbreak is like having sex in a horror movie, it just screams "I'm right here! I want you to kill me now!!" It will be the fat people who go fisrt, and then somehow gain the ability to run after as if they didn't have (how do I put this nicely?) extra body mass slowing them down.

(Just as a sidenote, I'm not trying to be an offensive asshole, I'm just a little too trusthful sometimes. On top of that I just get really annoyed at watching stupid people avoid common sense like it's the plague.)

Ladies, this one is for you. Although it may seem really butch and I know how much you love you new high heel shoes, but come on now honey, be logical. Yeah, yeah, so women can do everything a man can and in heels, but swwetheart are you really gonna try to test that theory during an apocalypse? Good luck baby cakes. Let's just see how far and fast you can run in those six inch stelettos. Or if you're really daring let's see how long you'll last on an endless flight of stairs. Face it sweetie, without the right shoes you might as well either go barefoot or just off yourself. Get some boots honey, you'll last longer. And no, not high heeled boots because then you've just fucked yourself back into square one. I'm talkin combat boots that will let you kick ass.