Blanket Of Stars | jensoo

harsh reality

My exit is through the back door and I walk out into the dark street where the car windows are frosted over. I feel bad for all the people who have to get up before six a.m. to get ready for their day. A year ago there was never anything worse than being exhausted and cold at the same time. A year later there is nothing worse than not being able to feel either.

All the trees look ugly and bare. Everything looks dead and harsh. I always thought there was a very fine line in the winter, of places looking pretty, or looking dead and ugly. Today is one of the bad days.

It was a bad day on the day I tried out my new roller-skates for the first time. My butt hit the floor as soon as I left the safety-net of the front lawn. I got six bruises that day, but by nightfall I could skate for at least five seconds before falling over. It was progress. I didn't have very good balance.

It's always eerily quiet here this time of the night when I come here. The occasional car drives past but it's a rare occurrence and doesn't bother me. I sit exactly where I always sit, right where Jennie saw me for the first time. The place I saw her for the first time.

Briefly, I wonder what to get her for Christmas and if I could even buy anything. I don't exactly carry any money around with me and I would never consider stealing intentionally. It may have worked once in the past when I unintentionally stole candy, but somehow I doubt they would overlook a teenager who knows right from wrong, stealing from a store.

Nobody would catch me red-handed and, at most, I'd be a dark shadow on a security camera, but I have a sneaky suspicion my parents would know somehow. And they'd be disappointed with me. Not angry, not something I could sigh in relief with as soon as I left their sight, but something that would loom over me for days, perhaps even weeks. It all depends on the look on their face.

And I don't need to be standing in front of them to know what kind of expression they'd both be wearing. No, I'd just have to think of something else for Jennie.

The wind has picked up slightly but I still hear the distinct sound of fast-approaching footsteps. Turning in the direction the sound is coming from, I see Jennie running toward me. I can't tell if she's pissed off, or if she's just worried. It's perhaps both.

When she reaches me she's a little out of breath. It must be cold because I can see her breath leave her lips in a cloud that expands. "Are you okay?" are the first words out of her mouth, her warm breath in the freezing air making it look like she's smoking.

"Yeah," I bend the truth some. I'm not sure I'm ready for her tonight.

"Why did you leave? I woke up and I couldn't see you, but you weren't answering me and I knew you'd be here."

"Jennie." I shake my head and look to the side.

"Let's go home. If you were bored you should have woken me up, or something."

"Stop," I say as calmly as I can muster.

She begins to unbutton her black coat. "It's freezing out here, Jisoo. Take this," she says, looking down to the buttons.

"What do you want from me?" I finally ask, voicing the thoughts I've had for a while now.

Jennie's face reflects confusion. "What?" she asks as her coat is being pulled away from her body.

Looking at the action, I get frustrated. Even more-so than before, and I'm certain it's going to be carried through in my tone. "I don't need that coat, Jennie."

Her face darkens. "God, why won't you ever take it?" She forcefully pushes it toward me. "I'm just trying to keep you warm!"

"Because I'm dead!" I yell, finally. "I'm dead and you don't have to try and warm me up because it's never going to happen!"

My harsh words are regretted the moment I see her crying. She looks at me with hurt eyes before turning around and walking away from me, her hands clenched into fists by her side.

"Wait." I hurry after her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that."

Jennie stops and I move in front of her to look her in the eyes. We don't speak immediately, her eyes are all over my face. "What do you want from me?" She echoes the question I asked her. "Why did you start talking to me?"

"I was lonely and I needed somebody. You were the only person who would listen."

She practically sneers. "Isn't that nice?"

"What?" I ask.

"Being used by a ghost."

"I'm not using you, Jennie. I love spending time with you, you know that," I say sincerely. This time I repeat the question she earlier avoided: "What do you want from me?"

Her jaw clenches and she looks away from me, her head shaking lightly.

I sigh softly. "All we can do is talk, Jennie. Sure, you can see me now." I shrug gently. "But nobody else can. You can't keep doing this. We can't keep doing this. What about years from now when you get married and have kids? Won't they think it's a little strange when they see you talking to...to nothing?"

"Shut up," she orders hotly, her eyes quickly back on mine. "Don't ever say that. You're not nothing."

"To everybody else I am. Nobody can see me, Jennie. Don't you get that?"

"Don't you get it?!" she yells in frustration. "You're all I can see!" Her chest heaves with her heavy breaths. "And I'm not losing someone who just has a few adjustments to make, so get yourself together."

"It isn't just me who has to adjust, Jennie."

Her head moves up and down. "Okay. Okay, I know that. But you can't just leave without a word, especially in the middle of the night, and you can't keep reminding me that you're dead because believe me, I'm aware of that every minute."

My shoulders slump a little and I feel my heart sink. "We still need to talk about this. It can't be fixed this easily."

Her tears are drying on her face but more are filling her eyes. "Can we just go back to bed? I'm so tired...I can't talk about this now."

I look at her exhausted face and nod in compliance. "Put your coat back on."

Jennie holds her coat up and has difficulty figuring out which way is up and which way is down. I put her out of her misery and take the coat from her hands, never touching her as I bring it up the right way. My body moves behind her and stands close, watching as she eases into it, taking note that she takes her time to move away from me.

When we get home and into her bed she follows her usual ritual, except this time I can't tell what she's thinking as her eyes stay locked with my own.