My First Step Into Recovery

My First Step

I regret not entering treatment at an earlier stage in my life, however, I realized it is better late than never to take that first step. I was in denial about being an addict and alcoholic for half my life. I started drinking and experimenting with drugs at the age of fourteen. It took years of built up anger, resentment, fear, depression, anxiety, rejection and an attempt on my life to finally realize I needed help. I suffered from the dual-diagnosis of depression with substance use disorder. It almost took my life at the age of twenty-nine and thus, my family urged me to go into detox and treatment. I agreed but I was not necessarily doing it for myself. I was doing it for them. I was determined to take advantage of my first step and climb my way up after hitting rock bottom numerous times throughout my life.

I felt like I was born a ghost and spent most my life invisible to society. I was used to being a lone wolf and outcast, which in turn, shaped me into a reckless and careless rebel. I embraced a darker side of myself due to years of feeling as if I had no place in the world. I learned in treatment that isolation and the feeling of being alone is dangerous territory for people like me. I always just wanted to be accepted for who I was throughout my life. I never felt like I was. I was never comfortable in my own skin so I would use drugs and alcohol as an escape but also as a mask. I was scared and nervous when I first walked into my treatment center, as anyone would be. I was new to all of this. It was my first attempt at even trying to get sober in my life. I walked in looking pale as death, shaking and sweating from withdrawal symptoms and nerves. My usual pessimism was starting to fire off in my head. I found myself asking if I even belonged here. I was wondering how or if I would even fit in. I was telling myself I was nothing like anyone in this place. I was telling myself I was not a drug addict or alcoholic. My substance abuse was just due to life happening.

I remember stepping out onto the back porch of my treatment center and everyone seemed to be so happy. Everyone was warm and welcoming. It did not take long for the dark clouds in my head to roll away and realize I was going to be okay. I was right where I was supposed to be. Over the course of treatment, I established strong connections with some of the most amazing people. I learned how to embrace and cope with my issues. I found myself participating in all sorts of mental, emotional and physical activities besides therapy sessions. I was introduced to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. I learned about the twelve steps and sponsorship. I learned how to take care of myself again. I learned it was possible to have fun while staying sober. I was eating right, learning yoga, practicing meditation, kayaking, playing volleyball, going on nature hikes and exercising for the first time in a very long time. I felt re-energized, refreshed and motivated. I felt as if someone or something had pushed a reset button in me.

Between my depression, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse, I was not sure if I was going to survive much longer. I was unable to stop on my own. I am grateful that I finally found the courage to admit that I had a problem. I am grateful that my family was willing to get me the help I desperately needed. Going into a rehab and treatment facility was the best decision I could have made. I had reached a point to where something had to change.