When I Look at You (a Dragon Age fanfiction)

Grimoire

In camp, Una's first look was for Grenli. She met his doggy eyes hopefully, but he whimpered, his ears drooping. "Nothing, bud?" she asked. He shook his head. She reached down and ruffled his ears. "Look on the bright side, boy," she said. "If you couldn't find any sign of him, maybe that means he's still alive."

"Your brother?" Alistair asked. She turned around, not having noticed him coming up behind her.

"Yes. I had Grenli out sniffing around for a sign of him."

Alistair looked at her for a moment. "I forget, sometimes, that I'm not the only one who lost something out there."

"I know." The words were expressionless, containing neither forgiveness or condemnation.

They fell into step together, walking away from the camp. Grenli watched them go, his brow furrowed.

"Do you ever think," Alistair began, "maybe ... it's not right?"

"What isn't right?" She knew perfectly well what he meant, but she was not going to let him get away without saying it out loud.

"To feel ... you know."

She stopped walking, looking him in the eye. "Out with it. Don't beat around the bush."

He looked away. "So many people are dead. So much suffering, so much misery. Is it right to be—to care about each other, when there's so much else going on?"

Una sighed. "You want the practical answer, or what I feel in my heart?"

"Start with the practical," he said. He crossed his arms and leaned one shoulder against a tree, staring off through the woods.

"Practically, then, we're on this quest together. And I don't know about you, but having started ... what we've started, I'd have a heck of a time not continuing it." She smiled, but got no reaction. Ah, he was far gone, then, she thought. "Not convincing?" His shoulders hunched.

Una was determined not to let this happen. She walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her chin on his shoulder. He stiffened, but didn't move away. "Okay, then. The reason from my heart. Do you remember what I said, the day I told you what had happened to my family?" No answer. "I said that we have a responsibility to the people we've lost—that if we give up under the weight of our grief, then they will all have died for nothing. How do you think my parents would feel if I turned my back on happiness, just because they're dead? They'd be ashamed of me. I'd never get my mother to stop screaming in my head," she said, chuckling a little. Alistair made a sound that might have been a laugh. Una took that as a good sign. "I can't live like that, Alistair. I can't turn my back on life just because I'm surrounded by death. Quite the opposite, in fact. I celebrate the people I loved by moving forward. With hope for a better future. Both personally and for Ferelden." When there was still no response, she started to let him go.

Alistair caught her hands in his before she could slide away. Bringing one of her hands up to his mouth, he kissed her fingertips. "You never give up, do you? Everything you're asked to do, everything you've had to endure, you square your shoulders and move forward, doing the impossible through the sheer force of your determination not to back down." He sighed. "I wish I were more like you."

She held him tighter. "You are. And I'm not. I look back all the time, wondering if I have the strength to take the next step. And you know what I see?" He shook his head. "You, my shield, holding me up. If you weren't behind me, I'd fall more often than I'd like to admit. One way or another, no matter what we do personally ... you and I are partners. I can't do this without you." Then she grinned, nuzzling the side of his neck, enjoying his quick intake of breath. "And I have to say, it'll be a lot more fun this way."