love, luke;

teenage dream

dear macy,

i miss you so much. i'm in constant grief, mace. it always hurts. sometimes it hurts less than usual and i think it's better, ya know? but then it goes back to normal again, and i realize i'll never properly get over it. i'll never get over you.

i've been seeing someone new. she's nothing like you. you know her, and well. i'm so sorry for that. i feel guilty, mace. i do. but i can't help it at this point. she might be your sister but she's nothing like you, so that helps with the guilt. i miss you so much.

all of our old friends have distanced themselves from me. i think they've just distanced themselves entirely. michael misses you so much, you couldn't even believe it. he breaks down every single time he thinks about it. i lost you, and i'll never even dream of getting over it, but he did too. i was selfish and it took me a while to realize that. but now i see it, the bigger picture. everyone lost you, baby. me, michael, ashton, your mom, your sister even. god, mace, even the people who didn't know you. even the fucking baristas at our old coffee shop. they still give me pitiful looks when i go in. i've only been three times. it hurts too bad, all i can see is you sitting at our corner table, typing away on your laptop or reading an old novel.

i didn't know it was possible to hurt like this. you were my soulmate. you still are. i made a promise to you when i proposed, even if we never married, that i'd be yours until the day i died. not you, mace, but me. i will spend every single day loving you, missing you, wanting you, needing you. i know this is sort of pointless, seeing as you'll never really get to read anything i write you now. it helps, though, in an odd way. it's comforting.

speaking of comforting, it also helps to relive our old memories. it's slightly painful, but in the end i think it's worth it. i can't forget you. it would kill me. i wonder if you remembered all the things i do. when we first got together, i was so amazed by you. i was up until the end, and i still am. we used to sit in my shitty old car and listen to soft music and just exist together. you would usually doze off, and i'd just sit and watch. you looked so peaceful, your eyelashes on your cheek. you're so beautiful, macy. inside and out. eternally. i hope i see you again someday. i really really hope so. it's the only thing that keeps me going. i love you so much.

yours, luke