Not A Rebound

Open Letter To A Dear Friend

AN :-

Name changed for privacy

If you are reading this, I hope you will read this with an open mind, and harbour no ill emotions. Please pray for him.

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Dear Ashu

How many days has it been since I have known you? Maybe it was the start of the cold season, both of us looking for someone to hold onto, looking for someone to escape the reality around us. You, wanting any distraction to forget about something I didn't know then, and me to forget about a guy who broke me. I still remember the first time we talked awkwardly over the phone, "Hi... I am Ashu. By the way, are you a cat person or a dog person?", first words of yours to a complete stranger like me.

And yes, we exchanged numbers, we tried our very "best" to seem interested in each others life. We smiled over days and never ending nights, staying up an extra second just to hear an extra syllable, pretending all the time, or so I had thought. Didn't realise, when this pretension  took a turn totally unexpected. You never pretended to be anything other than what you were, and I was a fake mask right from the start. You starting loving me for who I was, broken. And before long I found myself smiling more, laughing, not thinking about that man. You taught me that I am allowed to be happy, but somewhere still, this guilt kept eating me away. Are you not just a rebound?

I couldn't tell you then, but if not now, I might never be able to face you with the respect you have given me throughout our time together. I am honestly sorry, and thank you for everything.

"You're cute"
"I love your smile"
"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most prettiest and clear eyes? "
"I want to hear your voice, don't stop talking"
"I wish I could actually meet you in reality"
"I like you....."

I am sure this isn't love, men have repeated these words so many times. I smile through their slurry voices, as their eyes linger all over me. And if I say "no", I am a slut who just knows how to lure in men, knowing no boundaries. The man I had loved, said I have no character. So, how could not I have judged you the same? Every single man I have ever "loved", never stayed true to their words, wouldn't you have been the same. I was having fun talking to you, what we had was sweet casual, a dream. I was scared, I didn't want "us", I didn't want to mix dreams and reality, and then you told me you were sick... Aneurysm. This was the reason for all your stomachaches...

How many days did you take, to gather the courage to tell me about your illness? How many days?

Just like how the cold melting ground is broken apart, as new plants rise to welcome the spring, you vanished into nothingness after bidding me a final goodbye. "I am not a rebound for you! I am not him, nor can I ever replace him, you won't even let me. He is a weed in your heart, whom you nurture in the dark, and you just hope no one notices it. I like you, but for you I am nothing more than a wet pillow. I really wish, I had never crossed paths with you, at least your voice wouldn't hurt me this much."

Dear friend, how ironic it was, wasn't it? I blamed a guy all along for making me suffer so much, and how different am I then? You are NOT a rebound, you never were. From the start till the end, you have been the best friend I needed. I am honestly sorry for being so inconsiderate, reprimanding  you till the end, "I told you from the start, getting attached only hurts." 

We haven't talked in ages, I really hope you are doing well. Recently, I learnt that your aneurysm has taken a turn for the worse, there's no telling when you might just... die. When faced with such facts, I still couldn't be as brave and sincere as you, to call you up one last time. I really hope and pray, that your suffering ends soon. Either, you go through a successful treatment, or depart in peace with no regrets whatsoever.

Your existence has been a torch in my dark life.
Thank You

With Love
Nandini