I apologise for not continuing my 'Unknown Love' story in time. So...I'll upload a new chapter soon. But, I've been dealing with things and have important things to do.
I've been thinking about the past and I can't stop crying. Like...I just can't stop crying.
I've been rejected too many times...but thankfully I'm taken now.
The one that rejected me last was...I'm not even gonna talk about it.
Ive dealt with about...9 deaths...(8 people 1 dog)
Everytime I eat...it just doesn't feel the same. There's times where I'm forced to eat and I just don't want to. My mother checks to see if Ive finished my food, every single day. If I don't...I have to eat it in front of her. My figure is very...normal...I guess. But...my parents keep telling me to eat more because I'm 'too skinny'. Tbh...I don't think I'm even skinny. I see myself as this fat, worthless piece of shit that does nothing but disappoints others and makes a fool of myself.
When I make one simple mistake, I always get shouted at or hit for not knowing how to do it. I would ask for help...but that makes it worse. Like...I'm sorry for not knowing shit...but I have to ask. Once...I asked for help from my primary school teacher (substitute) and he laughed at me...telling me that I was stupid and dumb. He was such a bitch...but I believed him. From that day on...I stopped asking for help and feared that if I asked again...the same thing would happen. So...I've kept my mouth shut and to this day...I still remain dumb.
I've noticed that there are some people being social and outgoing..........and happy.
I can't be social. I'm more of an antisocial/social person irl. But...I don't talk to people much because of my social anxiety. That why I don't have a lot of friends...but the friends I have are just enough. They make me feel happy and loved. They make me feel like I belong here. They make me feel like I can be...myself. Sometimes...I'm in public and I have to put on this image where I could just be some edgy teen...some bright girl...some person....so others won't judge. I'm scared of being judged and I understand some people judge too. But...if you're going to judge me...at least say it to my face...so I know.
I know this isn't as bad as other things that are happening to people at the moment but...I just had to say it.
If anyone wants to PM me...I probably won't reply. And if I do...then idk.
Jay...if you're reading this...I'm sorry. I know how much you hate self hate and you get mad about it but...I had to let it out.
I wouldn't really consider this as self hate tho. Well...In some cases.
