thank u next: how i, ariana grande, got so successful

needy (dan and me)

everyone knows my start. that dumb girl from victorious named cat. she was a fun character to play, don't get me wrong. and that show did put me on the map. everyone knows that i had a thing for robbie, but nothing ever happened between matt bennett and i, or his puppet rex.

matt and i were paired together because everyone else already had someone. tori and andre were fucking really almost every day off set, and one time the grandma got involved and that was a freaky threesome. that grandma was crazy and freaky flexible i was like 'what the fuck lmaooo'

well, let me talk about how i got discovered. i was a young 17 year old trying to make it in the television business. i had a long streak of blond hair that cascaded down my face. one day, i was at the local mall in boca raton. i wanted to go into bath and body works for some new hand soap and to yell at the minority workers, when i was approached by this chubby man.

i was wearing $2 flip flops from Old Navy and the girls were OUT. and by girls, i mean my toes. not my boobies. anyway, this guy came to me and asked if i had ever thought about being on a nickelodeon show. i actually have not thought about this, but i had always thought about acting in an adult film. this guy named sean mendes had reached me over instagram and had sent me a dick pic. i wasn't impressed but hey, we all need to start somewhere.

i learned that the guy's name was daniel. he brought me and my really really gay brother frankie to his office. my mom was at the bloomingdale's on the other end of the aisle breaking 16th century Chinese vases and then blaming it on a black employee. daniel brought me and my brother inside past his secretary.

"hey, what's your name? frankie?" daniel said to my brother

"yes, sir! do you like my sequin denim vest with a picture of pearl from spongebob on the back?"

"get the fuck out" he said to my brother

"now...ariana, is it? i love that name. relax! take your shoes off!"

i was only wearing flop flops so i sheepishly said no thank you.

"now ariana, feel free to relax. prop your feet on my desk."

i did as he said, anxious to get a job as a star on television.

he took a really long inhale, a sniff that almost made me uncomfortable. i was blinded by the potential fame too much to care about what he was doing. "you can come to a pilot of this show that we're doing. the taping is in orlando next week."

i was so excited and overjoyed to have a gig.

"one thing, ariana sweetie. dye your hair red."

i ran to the local drug store and bought the garnier hair dye. i turned my hair period-blood red and did vocal drills. i was desperate for the fame, so much so that i would do anything.

just like that, i was done with my taping. the show went by quickly and wasn't a big deal. but what happened next was.

the executives were all happy with the work and it seemed as though it was going really well. dan hugged me really tightly and then said that he wanted to show me how the taping came out. each of dan's rolls attacked me and i felt the vibrations from his stomach growling.

i followed him into his office. my innocence would be lost in less than thirty minutes.

dan turned on the television. static filled the screen and the buzzing blasted in the room. dan said that behind me, one of the wires wasn't plugged in all the way.

when i bent over to check the plug, dan grabbed my feet and started to smell them profusely. i closed my eyes. he stuck my toes into his rolls of fat, and then bounced up and down so that my toes would move. i just squirmed and took it. this was only the beginning of a nightmare that is the reason people know me.

this was only the start. dan started licking the in-betweens of my feet with his oversized chameleon tongue. he said i tasted like fettuccine alfredo.

i remember this event like yesterday. it scars me constantly. dan then unzipped my tight leather skirt and then started wafting my vagina fumes and then said "mmmm." then he squeezed lemon juice on my belly button and then used his thick, wet tongue as a spoon to lick it all up. he said that belly buttons have a basic pH which cancelled out the acidity of the lemon juice.

he made me spit on his waffle. not just once, but enough times to fill each of the sixty-eight holes that are in an eggo. he then smeared the saliva-covered waffle on my ankle and then wrapped his pale tongue around fully. it literally touched i was like ummmmm ok? damn...

i wouldn't call it sex. i mean, according to the State of California, i should but you know, im above the law. just how like dan was above me, making me smell his moldy size 15 feet and faking that they smell like Irish Spring.

i held back the urge to throw up. he said our meeting was almost over. dan calls them "feelings" tho. wtf. he peed in my mouth but the pee reflected against my teeth and splashed back on him. he got embarrassed and needed a new thong. i left when I had the chance.