Immature Infatuation - Bad Education

10

    The whole of Form K were gathered around Alfie's laptop collapsing in laughter at a video of Alfie singing that he put on YouTube when he was a teenager, titled 'egg-smashing woman'.
'My heart is broken, like an egg on the floor,
If I wasn't such a grown-up,
then I'd call you a whore,
You are my personal salmonella,
Going off on holiday and having sex with Trevor
She's the egg-smashing woman!
Egg-smashing-'
    Alfie paused the video, and Harper was holding her side from laughing.
    "I was 16." Alfie sulked. "I was in a bad place."
    "Why don't you take it down?" Joe asked, curious.
    "I forgot my password and security question.
I mean, Jesus, what is my favourite place?"
    "Judging by that, another dude's arse." Mitchell commented, and Harper had to start wiping tears from her waterline.
    "Shut up, Mitchell!" Alfie snapped through the crowd of laughter.
    "Sir, can we watch my video now?" Chantelle asked.
    "What's it called?" Alfie asked, sighing.
    "One girl, ten cups." Chantelle started, and everyone looked at her in disgust.
    "Oh, god, Chantelle." Alfie remarked, grimacing.
    "What?" She asked, innocently, "It's just me doing the washing-up."
    "Oh." Alfie said, clearly not buying it. Suddenly, another boy from Form K's year walked in.
    "Greetings and salutations." He started. "David Millbank. I was just wondering if I can count on your vote for this forthcoming school election." He spoke his words in a very structured voice and, frankly, it creeped Harper out.
    "Um, go away." Alfie ordered. "We're working."
    "Now, who did you vote for last year?" David asked, ignoring Alfie.
    "Little Mix." Stephen squealed, whilst high-fiving Chantelle and Harper.
    "Ah, the X Factor, yes." He continued. "Look, ..I love music. I'm a big fan of The Coldplay, Jay Zed and Olly Murs feat.. Rizzle Sticks."
    The three of them looked at him with blank expressions on their faces.
    "Here, Sir, do you want to see an old guy singing with his nutsack?" Mitchell asked, laughing and David sighed.
    "Mitchell, why would I want to see an old man singing with his-"
    But, he stopped talking when the video started playing.
    "Oh, my god! Is that-? Oh, I've got to send this to Fraser. He loves Peter Gabriel."
"Isn't Fraser invigorating the mocks right now?" Harper asked Mitchell, worried, and he looked down at her.
"Yes." He laughed.
"Well, he's screwed, isn't he?"
"Definitely."
——————————————————————
"Right, class." Alfie shouted excitedly, walking back into the classroom after break, "We've got an election to win! Who wants to stand?"
Nobody said a word.
"Look," Alfie reasoned, "I've seen the other candidates and we can't win if we're running against them on their terms. So, our inspiration for this election is going to be a certain Pol Pot."
"Ain't that the guy that killed anyone wearing glasses?" Mitchell asked, and Jing frantically pulled her glasses off her face.
"Paul Potts." Alfie corrected himself. "Sorry, I always get them mixed up."
"The one that won Britain's Got Talent?"
"Yeah, we're gonna win it on a sympathy vote." Alfie explained. "And we have the perfect candidate.... Everybody loves a chubby virgin!"
Everyone looked at Alfie, who was pointing at Joe and grinning.
"Oh, no, why is it always me?" Joe moaned.
"Joe, this is your perfect opportunity to make this class proud of you!"
"Yeah, but I can't do public speaking." Joe protested.
"It's easy." Alfie scoffed. "It's just like teaching a class."
"What if I freeze up?" Joe panicked.
"Well, they say that you should imagine that everyone's naked." Alfie offered.
"When you teach us you imagine us naked?" Chantelle asked gleefully, and Harper raised her eyebrows and folded her arms in front of her.
"No." Alfie simply responded.
"I'll never win anyway." Joe explained.
"Course you can win!" Alfie encouraged. "All you need is a crack campaign team. And you have got the best in the business..." he looked around. "Jing. She is a mastermind. She'll be on strategy." Jing smirked smugly. "Stephen does plays, he can write your speeches. Mitchell..." he paused. "has got a laptop. He'll run the website."
"Er, hack the website." Mitchell corrected.
"I've given out more viruses than her!" Mitchell pointed to Chantelle.
    "Shut up!" She retorted.
    "Harper?" Alfie asked in a desperate voice. She looked up at him.
    "Yes?" She responded slowly.
    "I need your help."
    "Forget it."
    Alfie flopped his arms down in despair before sighing heavily. Harper felt a tiny pant of sympathy for her teacher and thought for a moment.
    "Fine. But only because I've got nothing better to do."
    Alfie's face lit up.
    "Great! You can help hack the website." He suddenly glared at her. "I've seen what you can do with my Twitter."
    She laughed at the memory.
    "I'll do it on one condition." Jing piped up.
    "Anything." Alfie said quickly, grinning.
    "For one day, you don't make stupid comments about China." She retorted.
    "Promise." Alfie agreed, putting a hand to his heart. "..Just to clarify, um, you do know what voting is?" Alfie asked Jing and she looked up slowly. "It's just, you know, democracy isn't really a big.. Never mind." He concluded, seeing the serious look on her face. There was a moment of silence before Alfie looked back at Joe.
    "So, what do you reckon?" Alfie asked Joe. "You in?"
    "OK." Joe reluctantly agreed.
    "Yes!" Alfie celebrated. "Right, team, to the corridor!"
——————————————————————
    Form K were walking down the corridor, whilst Alfie was asking them all questions.
    "Talk to me, people."
    "We have a problem." Jing said, looking at her notepad. "Everyone entering needs a party and they're all taken... Except one."
    "It's not the BNP?" Alfie gasped.
    "Worse...Lib Dem."
    "Bollocks." Alfie cursed. "Stephen, get a yellow tie, draw up a list of promises to break."
    "Right." Stephen said, rushing away.
    "What shall we do about Grayson?" Alfie asked, gesturing to Grayson's campaign poster that read 'vote for me, prick.' "He's the Tory, so he's all about cuts."
    "We need to prove his financial plan is unrealistic." Jing said, grinning.
    "Mitchell, Harper," Alfie said, pointing at both of them, "hack the school accounts. Jing, you'll analyse the data."
    "It'll take time." Harper admitted.
    "Yeah, the mainframe's got me flagged ever since I put the school on Gumtree." Mitchell said and Alfie just shook his head.
    "What about Millbank?"
    "That kid from earlier?" Harper asked, and Alfie nodded.
    "Doesn't he have a brother?" He suddenly asked.
    "Edmund Millbank, 14." Jing said. "He has the lowest SAT score."
    "He's asthmatic, dyslexic, wheat, lactose and sunlight intolerant." Harper explained, grinning. "He's like Rain Man, but can't count and isn't allowed near matches."
    "We need him to run against his brother." Alfie said quickly. "A sibling rivalry will cause havoc with David's campaign."
    "Genius!" Jing yelled. "How do we get him to run?"
    "He can't." Mitchell laughed. "He's got gammy legs." Harper and Mitchell snorted with laughter and Alfie just looked at them, they looked down.
    "I meant in the election." Alfie' face lit up and he turned to look at Chantelle. "Chantelle, you are going to take his breath away."
    "Steal his inhaler?" Chantelle grinned.
    "Flirt with him." Alfie corrected. "Convince him to challenge his brother."
    "You owe me big time for this." Chantelle winked.
    "Oh, I'll make it up to you." Alfie said smugly, before realising what that sounded like. "Not like that."
    They all walked off.
——————————————————————
    Harper, Mitchell and Rem Dogg were sitting in the classroom, all gathered around Mitchell's laptop. Harper was quickly typing on the screen, before it lit up. Mitchell grinned and looked at Rem Dogg.
    "See? Told you the FBI website was piss easy to hack, man."
    Harper grinned at him, before leaning back in her chair.
    "Shouldn't we be working on the accounts?" Harper asked, and they all looked at each other.
    "No."
——————————————————————
    The election had begun, and Pickwell walked into the stage.
    "Before we begin this hustings, I would like to extend a very warm welcome to those members of the Local Education Authority who have joined us here today." She paused for a second. "Er, the rules. No swearing, no music, no spitting, no nudity and none of that global-warming nonsense... Everyone knows it's a hoopla invented by tree-fingering socialists."  
    Everyone in the audience stared at her.
    "Good... So, to our first speaker, Frank Grayson, standing as a Conservative!"
    Everyone clapped slowly. Grayson walked up to the podium on the stage, with two of his friends behind him.
    "Welcome to the Big Society." Grayson started. "My motto? Your problems ain't got shit to do with me. The welfare state is brass!"
He looked around at the audience before continuing. "Policies. I'm sacking the school nurse. She's pointless and she ain't even fit."   
    There were some murmurs from the audience.
    "And, secondly, these knob heads, why waste my hard-earned monies on them, when instead we could spend it on this? ..A massive sports day this summer. I'm going to build the school essential facilities like a velodrome and an equestrian centre, you get me?"
    The entire audience was silent.
    "So, vote for me or watch your back. Because in the Big Society....no-one. can. hear. you. scream."
    There was a scattered, nervous applause from the audience, and Grayson walked to the back of the stage and sat down.
    "Right, who's next?" Pickwell said, looking down at her piece of paper. "Oh, this'll be good.
It's Form K." She smirked.
    "Cheers, sugar tits," Alfie said, walking up to the podium. "I'll do the intros...." he cleared his throat. "So, after being told that I couldn't enter this election, let alone win it, here I am with my very own candidate. From the under-25's category, would you please welcome ... Joe Poulter!"
    Joe gulped, and Stephen ran to the side of the stage.
    "Here's your speech."
    Alfie ran over and grabbed it.
    "Wooh! Change of plan. I've, er, written my own. Bit punchier."
    Joe hesitated, but took the speech and walked to the front of the stage. Stephen gasped in disgust.
    "How are those accounts coming on?" Alfie whispered to Stephen.
    "Mitchell and Harper are still working on it." He explained, still miffed that Alfie stole his speech, and Alfie sighed. However, meanwhile in Form K's classroom...
    "And with one click, Mr Wickers is on the world's most wanted list." Mitchell concluded.
    Harper grinned at looked at him, before looking back at the screen. Her face fell.
    "What?" Mitchell asked, and they all leaned forwards to look at the computer.
    "Is that the PE teacher?!"
"Always knew he was dodgy."
    Sighing, they reluctantly walked to the election.
——————————————————————
    Joe looked down at the speech Alfie gave him, and started to read.
    "When you're written off as a coward, it takes a lot of guts to get back up and show that woman who you really are." Joe paused, confused, and Harper internally groaned. This was clearly another attempt to have a go at Miss Gulliver because she pissed him off in the staff room.
    "Most politicians are like women, older women, in that they don't care about you." Joe continued. "They patronise you. They don't listen to you in the staff room when you're telling them about paintballing at Chris Lammond's stag do..." he trailed off, and the entire audience was baffled.
    "Really good story." Alfie mouthed to Miss Gulliver.
    "What?" She simply said.
    "Like older women, politicians make you think you've got a chance with them only to shit on you from up on their high horse." Miss Gulliver was shaking her head in disgust. Alfie whispered to Joe.
    "Other side."
    Joe turned the paper over, and continued.
    "And for the record, I DO smoke. I get high all the time. There's a photo of me on Facebook smoking a joint at Glastonbury, at least I think Henry said it was weed but I couldn't hear because Moby was tearing up the dance tent..." Joe trailed off, and Pickwell ushered him off.
    "Right, right, right. Well, that was as weird as expected."
    "You nailed it!" Alfie said, smiling.
    "I didn't nail it." Joe said angrily. "I embarrassed myself in front of the school.
I never wanted to do this stupid election thing." He threw Alfie's speech on the floor.
    "OK, next up from Form M is Edmund Millbank."
    David's brother, who was chewing a green crayon stood up, but Miss Gulliver pushes him back down.
    "Right, sit down!" She shouted at him, storming to the front of the stage. "OK, this clearly isn't about the election any more because, thanks to you-know-who, it's been hijacked." She gestured to Alfie. "For once, could you behave like a real teacher?"
    "Right, um, for the record," Alfie defended, leaning forwards, "I am a real teacher, obviously."
    "A real teacher wouldn't force pupils to do things they don't want to do." Rosie said.
    "Homework?" Alfie butted in.
    "A real teacher wouldn't put words into their pupils' mouths."
    "French teacher." Alfie smiled. "Any language, actually."
    "You're embarrassing yourself." Rosie hissed.
    "Oh, get a room." Grayson shouted.
    "Oh, piss off!" Rosie shouted.
    Harper looked at Mitchell.
    "Do you think Alfie knows that Rosie needed to win the election?"
    "What?" He responded, confused.
    "Pickwell's trying to dig up the garden she built in memorial for her brother."
    "How did you know that?" Mitchell asked.
    "Oh, I've been hacking into the staff room security cameras for 16 months now."
    Suddenly, Pickwell stormed onto the stage.
    "OK. I think we've had enough of the Gulliver Show for one day. Well, unless you'd like to humiliate yourself any-"
    Rosie cut her off.
    "Back off, you menopausal witch." She shouted. "If you dare touch my garden or Freddie's tree, I will personally ram that Hummer up your arse."
    Whilst the entire assembly erupted into laughter, Harper nodded slowly and Mitchell grinned.
    "Why didn't you tell Alfie?"
    "I don't know." She admitted. "Guess I just thought I'd let it play out."
    The whole assembly was screaming with laughter, and Miss Gulliver sat back down. Alfie had a regretful look on his face.
    "Silence!" Pickwell shouted. "Pull yourselves together! I'd like the rest of this hustings to be conducted with due decorum. So, back to the serious business of this election and our next candidate from Form B...Ben Poppit who represents The Forces of Good."
    A boy in a Spider-Man costume walked onto the stage. Harper just shook her head.
——————————————————————
    Everyone in form K was gathered around Harper's laptop. Mitchell walked in confused.
    "What are we looking at?"
    "It's Fraser's hearing today. I want to see what's what."
    "Why has Fraser got a hearing again?" Stephen asked.
    "After Alfie sent him that video of Peter Gabriel singing with his nutsack, Grayson filmed it and it went viral. So, if this hearing with the board of directors goes to shit, he's screwed."
    "So, why have you hacked into the security cameras?" Mitchell laughed.
    "I want to see it go to shit." She simply said.
    Suddenly, an image appeared on the screen of Alfie and Miss Gulliver sitting outside the 'hearing' room.
    "I'm sorry for getting carried away with the whole election stuff." Alfie said to Rosie, but she ignored him.
    "Ah cringe." Mitchell complained. "Skip!"
    "It's live you dipshit!" Harper hissed. "Now shut up I'm trying to listen."
Suddenly, Pickwell walked in and looked at Alfie and Rosie.
    "Ah! Your little spectacle back there's played right into my hands. It's going to be even easier to lance two irritating abscesses."
    "You can't lance us." Alfie said.
    "Oh, I can when I'm headmistress." Pickwell threatened. "The committee won't complain after seeing that performance. You'll both be out."
    "That would be the case if it wasn't for the fact that Fraser's gonna get his job back." Alfie defended.
    "Oh, stop pussy-parping, Wickers." Pickwell snapped and Harper snorted. "Fraser doesn't stand a chance. ...This is a 500-page character assassination on Fraser." She held up a thick book. "I've compiled one on all of you."
    Alfie and Rosie both had solemn looks on their faces.
    Suddenly, a woman came out the door.
    "Mr Wickers, please."
    Alfie disappeared through the doors.
    "Shit." Harper muttered, and she quickly typed on her laptop. The cameras switched.
    "And you are?" One of the board of directors asked. "Er, Alfie Wickers. I teach Form K. Slow bunch," Harper put her middle finger up to the screen, "but, you know, kind of guys that you want to go for a pint with." The board of directors looked at him.
    "Not now, obviously, because they're under-age." Alfie quickly pivoted. "But I mean, most of them are lightweights... It's- I've never been for a drink with them."
The Board of directors quickly moved on with their questioning.
"So, how would you describe Shaquille Fraser?"
Form K gasped, and then burst out laughing.
"You're Shaq-Shaquille?" Alfie said breathlessly, looking at Fraser. "That's your first name?...You said it was Simon."
    Fraser looked in another direction, pretending to be distracted.
"Judging by that, you don't know Mr Fraser at all well." One of the directors said, leaning back.
"No, look, Shaquille.." he took a moment to laugh "..may come across as a bit of a guiche.
No offence, Fraser."
"Standard banter." Fraser responded, putting his hands up.
"Look," Alfie started. "I've done some shit here that at any other school would definitely get me fired... Maybe even arrested. But Fraser has never shouted at me, never got me in trouble. And, you know, he loves this school, he'd do anything for it, ...it's his life. And, I know it might sound a bit lame...but he's genuinely one of my best friends."
Fraser smiled. And Harper looked up.
"That was actually... sweet." She remarked, smiling, unaware of someone smiling back down at her.
(A/N guess who? ......I'm sorry)
"Well, I'm glad you get on so well." One of the directors sighed. Unfortunately, this has no bearing on his professional competency. Can you tell me one thing Shaquille has achieved as headmaster?"
Alfie paused for a moment, thinking, and the whole of form K leaned forwards in anticipation.
"Do you guys remember, 'Wasssss-uuuuuppppppp'?" Alfie said, with a strange voice and Fraser nodded gleefully. Harper slammed the laptop down.
"Who wants to help me make his leaving card."
"Don't sweat it." Mitchell said, sitting on one of the tables. "He was always a bit of a wanker."
"Mitchell," Harper started, looking at him, "you do realise that if Fraser - I mean - Shaquille.." she laughed slightly, ".. gets fired, then Pickwell will be our new headteacher."
Harper watched the fear grow in Mitchell's eyes as he stood up.
"Oh shit. Shit." He panicked. "No. No. No."
"Oh calm your tits." Harper laughed. "He'll get out of it."
The whole class went silent, and looked at her as if to say: 'how?'
"Well, I don't know!" Harper yelled, and she looked at Jing, who was sorting through bits of paper. "Jing?" She huffed. "Any suggestions?"
Jing looked up, an excitable glint behind her glasses.
"I think I know what to do."
——————————————————————
Jing, Mitchell and Harper were walking down the corridor, trying to find Alfie before it was too late.
"Sir! Sir!" Jing yelled, turning the corner. Harper and Mitchell emerged a few seconds later, to see Alfie talking to Pickwell.
"All right, I'm coming." Alfie said tiredly, looking at the three of them. He slowly walked over. "What?"
"Look." Jing said proudly, holding up a piece of paper.
"What?" Alfie asked, clearly exhausted.
"It's the accounts." Jing smiled.
"Jing, that's sweet of you, but it's too late.
Grayson's already won." Alfie replied glumly.
"No, look." Jing said. This column shows the school's expenses. This column shows Pickwell's withdrawals. They don't add up!" Jing pointed at the paper, grinning triumphantly. "£140 in the school's expenses and £200 in Pickwell's. She's made that withdrawal every week for years!"
"Right, um, could you explain that again, er, as though you were explaining it to a child?" Alfie asked, raising his eyebrows. Harper sighed and looked at him.
"Pickwell's been fiddling her expenses." She said bluntly. Alfie looked shocked slightly and grabbed the paper. His face lit up.
"Oh, god, Jing, Harper, I could kiss you."
"Please don't." Jing grimaced. "It might upset Chantelle."
"Please -Just.. don't." Harper grimaced.
"Well done!" Alfie cried gleefully. Suddenly, Pickwell appeared around the corner and Alfie slowly strutted up to her.
"He looks like he's shit himself." Harper said quietly, and Mitchell laughed.
"Why are you walking like you've soiled yourself?" Pickwell asked. Mitchell and Harper high-fived each other without looking up.
"This is my swagger." Alfie said cooly.
"What have you got to swagger about?" Pickwell sighed.
"Read it and weep." Alfie sassed, showing her the accounts.
"Doubt it." Pickwell said slowly. "I haven't wept since 1990...My favourite politician was voted out of office by her own party." Pickwell sniffed and Harper snorted.
"Well, talking of being hounded out of office, it would appear as though one member of staff has been siphoning off public money.... You." Alfie said victoriously.
"This column?" Pickwell asked.
"Mmm." Alfie said smugly.
Suddenly, Pickwell ripped the column with the evidence off the piece of paper, put it in her mouth and chewed it up.
"Now where's your evidence?" She asked. Alfie scoffed.
"You think we didn't make copies?" He laughed. "We made copies, right, Jing?"
Jing spoke frantically in Chinese, and Harper knew - from being in a class with Jing for many years - that this meant no.
"Yeah," Alfie pointed at Jing, nodding his head. "That is Chinese for many, many, many, many multiple copies."
"I'll have you arrested." Pickwell threatened
"You stole this information."
"You could tell the authorities, they're in here." Alfie said innocently, and Harper grinned, "They won't mind." He pointed to the door.
"No, don't! Please." Pickwell said quickly.
"Well," Alfie continued, "I suggest that if you want to keep any kind of job, you go in there and tell your little pals at the council that Fraser is the most amazing headmaster you have ever had the privilege of working for." Everyone, other than Pickwell, was grinning triumphantly. Oh, and one more thing I'll need you to arrange re the election...Joe Poulter."
"Out of the question." Pickwell refused. "Grayson's already won by a landslide."
"Joe doesn't even want to be school president, Alfie." Harper pointed out.
"But I think it would mean a great deal to Edmund." Rosie pointed out, who had just come out of the hearing.
"Actually, I've got a better idea." Alfie smirked.
................
"And the winner of the Abbey Grove election is ..Ben Poppit!"
The boy in the Spider-Man costume walked onto the stage. "With great power, comes great responsibility... Thank you."
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10 is finished!!!! Next chapter will be quite short just a heads up.