Immature Infatuation - Bad Education

6

    It was the morning and Form K were all gathered in the classroom, standing on the tables, except Harper.
"Harper." Alfie hissed. "Stand up."
She flopped her arms in front of her.
"This is so stupid." She simply said, aggravated. But Alfie gave her a look of desperation.. and irritation.
"Fine." She said slowly, and reluctantly heaved herself up onto the table.
"Listen guys." Alfie said seriously, looking at the whole class, "it's important you remember this. Get ready." He peeked out the window of the door. "She's coming." He rushed, flailing his arms about manically. Harper leant over slightly and saw Miss Gulliver walking down the corridor.
"Oh my god." She muttered.
"In three, two.." Alfie counted down, and he then swung the door open. Suddenly the whole class chorused: "Oh captain, my captain."
Alfie scoffed, acting for Miss Gulliver.
"Come on, guys." He turned to Miss Gulliver, who was extremely taken aback, "they do this every time I try to leave for the bathroom."
"Staff room." Miss Gulliver simply said.
"It's a date." Alfie responded, clapping his hands together.
"It's a staff meeting."
Alfie and Miss Gulliver walked out of the door together, and the bell rung. Everyone hopped down from their desks and rushed out the door. Except Rem Dogg, who was helplessly stuck in the table in his wheelchair.
"Oi, sir, man. You said you were going to help me down!"
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"OK, guys, there's something very important that I need you to do."
It was later in the day, and Form K had just got in from lunch. Randomly, Joe passed Alfie a large milkshake.
"Ooh, thanks." Alfie said.
"No problem." Joe replied, a fake smile on his face. "It's on the house. Because that's what friends do, isn't it? They buy things for each other."
"You all look knackered." Alfie questioned, ignoring Joe, "Have you had another party that I wasn't invited to?"
It was true, the whole class were slumped over their desks, half-asleep.
"They've all been playing Tokyo Sin." Joe replied.
"Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is dench!" Mitchell butted in, before flopping back down onto his desk.
"Hang on, hands up if you've got this game."
The whole of the class raised their hand, except Joe.
"Typical, Joe, the only one of my crew with a little bit of sense."
"It's just that it's an 18 and my mum won't buy it for me." Joe complained. "If only I had an adult friend who owed me big time..."
"Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze." Chantelle said.
"You don't get crazes, though, do you, sir?" Mitchell said, laughing, "You're older than that condom you got in your wallet."
"Sir didn't get crazes, cos he went to a posh boys school." Rem Dogg pointed out.
"Too busy playing quidditch with David Cameron." Harper said sleepily and Mitchell started snorting.
"Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts, Harper.
And look, for the record, we had crazes too. Yeah." He thought for a second. "Pogs. Mmm, now there was a craze. Who remembers Pogs?"
The whole class stared at him blankly as if he had lost his mind.
"Pogs!" Alfie continued. "Oh, you missed out! Pogs were amazing. You had these little cardboard discs, right, and you piled them up into a tower, and then with another cardboard disc you'd chuck it at the pile of cardboard discs, and it-"  He trailed off as he saw the whole of his class looking at him with both an expression of disbelief and amusement.
"I'm going to accept that Pogs has not aged well." Alfie admitted quietly. He then looked around the room at the students in his class.
"Stephen, no offence, but this game, is it your kind of thing?"
"Nazis in fishnets? It's just like Cabaret." Stephen said, scoffing.
Chantelle, Harper, you're girls."
"Who meets guys on the online multiplayer." Chantelle said. "Look me up. My names Jailbait. All one word. And I've got webcam."
"Blocked." Alfie replied, in a nervous voice. He looked at Harper raising an eyebrow. Their was a brief, rare moment of silence before she responded.
"You get to kick people around the face when they piss you off!" Harper stated, scoffing, "it's everything I need and more."
Chantelle laughed
"See? I'm the only one." Joe told Alfie, miserably.
"You is missing out, fam." Rem Dogg said, shaking his head.
"Anyone done blitz kick yet, the finisher move? You kick 'em in the head - whah - head explodes - boom - brains everywhere!" Mitchell said, laughing, and Harper grimaced slightly.
"Course I have, I got bare tekkers." Rem Dogg bragged.
"Yeah, but you play it on PC, don't ya? That shit is old." Mitchell scoffed. "Where'd you find it? Your nan's vadge?"
"Least my sister ain't lesbian." Rem Dogg fired back.
"She ain't lesbian." Mitchell retorted.
"She goes to university." Rem Dogg snorted.
"And?" Mitchell asked, confused.
"Everybody knows university's for lesbos!" Rem Dogg yelled. And Harper nodded slowly to herself.
"Do one, Gran Turismo!" Mitchell replied, whipping his head around.
"Oh, you two, stop flirting." Alfie grumbled and Harper started snorting with laughter. "When I was your age I had an N64. And that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin." Alfie continued. "Zelda."
"What you do in that?" Mitchell asked, grinning slightly. "Dress up like a bender and play the flute?"
"It was an ocarina." Alfie replied, folding his arms.
"Oh, wow, an ocarina. Bet that helped you get the ladies."
"Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell. Maybe I should lend it to your sister."
"Told!" Rem Dogg shouted, and Harper clapped her teacher.
"Look, the point is," Alfie ranted, "you're all very young and impressionable and a game like this is dangerous because it is encouraging you to be violent. That said, I am going to need you to get hold of some weapons - bats, flick knives, chains."
The whole class looked at him.
"Think outside the box." He continued, not realising the shocked looks on the faces of his pupils. "Bring anything you find into lunch."
And, with that, the bell rang and the whole class filed out the door, utterly baffled.
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It was lunch, and the whole of Form K had gathered their own 'weapons' to show to Alfie. They were standing in a line and Harper leant sideways, trying to have a look at what was taking so long. Alfie was arguing with a man at the front of the line and Harper rolled her eyes.
She turned to Mitchell.
"Do you think I should tell him he's a cop?"
"What?" Mitchell said, furrowing his eyebrows.
She pulled the sleeve of his t-shirt and made him look at Alfie.
"Alfie's not a cop?" Mitchell said, snorting with laughter.
"Not Alfie, you dipshit." Harper groaned and he stopped laughing. There was a moment when he was just looking around confused. So, exasperated, she pushed his head to the direction of the man Alfie was talking to.
"Oh." Mitchell realised. "Wait....he's a cop?" Harper just laughed slightly in disbelief at his oblivion, and he smiled faintly. Then, finally, the line started moving.
Chantelle was the first to display her weapon, and she started cutting her fingernails off into the box.
"Chantelle, what are you doing?" Alfie asked, baffled. "Fingernails aren't weapons."
"Try telling that to Linda Beale." Chantelle explained. "No-one wears Tulisa's scent on my turf."
Next, Stephen strutted to Alfie and placed a carton of milk in his weapons amnesty.
"Milk?" Alfie said, bluntly.
"I'm lactose intolerant." Stephen said, like it was the simplest thing in the world. "This one thought it was a funny idea to spike my soya latte." Stephen said in disgust, pointing at Rem Dogg.
"Mitchell made me do it." Rem Dogg shrugged, and Harper turned to look at Mitchell, who was pretending to be distracted by something else.
"That's chemical warfare!" Stephen screamed dramatically.
"Yes, but it's not a weapon." Alfie said.
"A trace of dairy and I go from Will Smith to Seal, quicker than you can say: 'Kiss from a rose'." Stephen fought. Suddenly Mitchell pulled something black over his head and Harper just shook her head.
"What are you wearing?" Alfie asked, grimacing at Mitchell slightly.
"Ninja mask, innit? Make them out of old T-shirts."
"Take it off." Alfie commanded, and Mitchell hastily pulled it off in defeat. "What have you got to hand in?"
Grinning, Mitchell pulled out a piece of paper.
"Oh, here we go." Alfie complained. "This is your science homework." He remarked.
"Knowledge is power, sir." Mitchell simply said. "If I become a brilliant scientist, I could destroy the whole world, in the flick of a switch."
"The only thing you could contribute to science is your body." Alfie snapped. "Now, go away."
Mitchell groaned and Harper slowly strolled up to Alfie. She pulled out a compass.
"Closer." Alfie admitted, "but then again what more would I expect from you. Isn't your locker filled with weapons?"
"Probably." She simply responded, and Alfie stepped back slightly.
"But, still, what damage is a compass going to do?"
"It's sharp." She responded, in a bored voice.
"Yes, maybe for an ant?" Alfie scoffed.
"It's sharp enough for the tables in this school." She said, "the janitor really loves me."
They both then looked over at the man in the corner of the room, staring at the teenage girl with a look of hatred in his eyes. They both slowly waved and he walked off.
"What a sweetheart." She simply said, sighed, dropped the compass in the box, and walked away.
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    Due to Alfie's weapon amnesty, Form K were ten minutes late for lunch, and nobody was happy about it. Harper, Chantelle and Stephen had just reached the front of the queue, with most of their class behind them, when Grayson walked up to them, holding a plate of macaroni cheese. Stephen gasped.
"Macaroni cheese? Get that plate away from me."
"Why, Glee?" Grayson said threateningly.
"I have an allergy." Stephen sassed. "That plate could kill me."
"That was a mistake." Grayson said, and before Harper, or anyone could react, Grayson screamed: "Mac attack!"
He threw his plate of food all over Stephen, and he screamed.
"My face!"
Harper flared with anger and grabbed Grayson by the shoulder, whipping him round.
"HEY." She practically screamed and he just scoffed, before aggressively pushing her hand off his shoulder. She stumbled slightly, hitting her back on the strong metal of the counter behind her. Squinting, she regained her balance. Grayson and his friends started with laughing with each other saying things like: 'slut' and 'useless.' Mitchell, who had heard, and seen, all of this strode forwards. But, he was pulled back by a small, but strong hand on his shoulder. He turned around, still enraged, to see Harper, clutching his blazer and shaking her head at him quickly. He relaxed slightly, and she let go to turn around and look at Stephen who had sunk to the floor. But, he suddenly stood up and looked Grayson in the eye. Harper, who had never seen this side of Stephen before stepped back slowly, and found her self walking into Mitchell. And, in a flash, Stephen lifted his leg up and swung it round, performing the final move from Tokyo Sin. He hit Grayson right in the side of the head and he went down. Everyone started shouting and laughing. Chantelle and Harper were jumping up and down, screaming and hugging Stephen.
"Consider yourself blitzed!" He simply said.
And, from this, all hell broke loose in the cafeteria. Miss Gulliver cane storming over.
"Excuse me." She shouted. "How dare you use physical violence like this?! It's cowardly. Cowardly!"
Harper had to clutch onto Mitchell's shoulder to stop herself from falling over laughing.
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    It was after lunch and the whole of Form K had been sent back to class, except Stephen. Alfie, who was clearly trying to teach them about self-defence suddenly put on a video without saying a word. The screen went fuzzy for a second, and then started playing a bad-quality video.
Violence is everywhere.
So how do you protect yourself? 'This is Loretta, your typical all-American woman.
'She's standing outside a jazz club 'but she's about to have a run-in with some jazz lovers.
' 'If your attacker tries to blind you, raise your hand 'up to the bridge of your nose to disable the gouge.
'Well done, Loretta.
'But next time, play it safe and stick to Country and Western.
Harper raised her eyebrows as the video continued.
'And where's Loretta now? 'She's watching some brothers shooting hoops in the Projects.
Suddenly, the two men in the video started slowly creeping up behind 'Loretta'.
'If an attacker comes from behind, 'scrape down on their shin with the heel of your stiletto.
'Not this time, Germaine.
Try slam dunking the funk after that.
'And remember, on November 8th, vote Republican.'
Alfie turned the TV off.
"So, I would ignore all of that." He stated. "What you have to remember is, that video was made in a time when people were racist." He explained.
"Then why did you show it to us?" Jing asked, fed up with her teacher.
"Because, Jing," Alfie said, bluntly, "teachers live by an ancient code as old as time."
"Which is?" Jing asked, scoffing slightly.
"If you're out of your depth, put on a video. Look, what Stephen did in the canteen wasn't cool."
"Well, it was." Mitchell said.
"Grayson's a prick." Harper blurted out.
"Agreed." Alfie admitted. "But you can't lash out like that."
"What if someone's giving you beef?" Mitchell asked, looking at his teacher.
"Turning the other cheek will always be the best policy." Alfie said, and Harper shook her head.
"Like Neville Chamberlain did with Hitler?" Mitchell pointed out.
"Why do you only ever remember history to prove me wrong?"
Jing suddenly put her hand up.
"Yes, Jing."
"And Tiananmen Square." She said.
"Look," Alfie reasoned, "what is the deadliest animal on the planet?"
"A tiger." Rem Dogg shouted.
"No, the human being." Alfie said and the whole class looked at him in confusion. "We're all biologically conditioned to fight. The deadliest weapon on the planet is the human brain." He explained.
"OK, so that Stewart Hawkins bloke." Rem Dogg began, and Alfie looked at him, furrowing his eyebrows, "He's the brainiest guy in the world, right?"
"Stephen Hawking." Alfie corrected.
"Yeah, but if he's so deadly, who'd win a fight between him and a tiger?" Rem Dogg asked. "Well, the tiger, obviously." Alfie said, putting his hands up.
"So he's not the deadliest."
"That's not the point."
"What about him versus a shark?" Mitchell asked, grinning.
"The shark." Alfie said, trying to reason with his class.
"What, even on dry land?" Mitchell asked, knitting his eyebrows together.
"No, I guess on dry land the shark would probably dry out... I can't believe I'm even playing this game."
"Look, there are plenty of animals that could kill Stephen Hawking-"
"Like a badger?" Joe asked.
"Yes, a badger probably would.."
"How, though?" Joe pushed.
"I don't know." Alfie said, frustrated.
"Bite him?"
"Give him TB?" Harper asked, and Alfie just looked at her, shaking his head.
Suddenly, the door of the classroom swung open and Fraser came in with Stephen.
"Mr Wickers, I'm just returning Stephen."
"Did you apologise to Grayson?" Alfie asked, raising his eyebrows.
"I told him to swivel." Stephen simply said.
"See, proof that everything can be resolved with words." Alfie said, gesturing to Stephen.
"What about Israel and Palestine?" Mitchell asked.
"Oh, stop.. learning." Alfie glared at him.
"Mr Wickers, can I bum a dime of your time?" Fraser asked.
"Jing, er.. take over." Alfie said, tiredly.
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Form K had gathered in the assembly hall for a 'self defence' presentation. Harper groaned as everyone sat down. She was sitting in between Chantelle and Mitchell, who was laughing at the man in front of us. He was rather short, with a beard, had a strange expression and was apparently called Preet. Harper found herself laughing as well as the man paced the front of the room.
"OK, listen up, you rag-tag pack of cocksuckers!" He shouted, and everyone fell silent.
"Right, OK." Said Alfie, turning to the man, "Can we just reign in the homophobia a little in front of the children?
"Yeah, keep your plug in, dick tickler!" Shouted Mitchell.
"So, personal safety." Alfie started, but was interrupted.
"Who wants to know how to throw a one-inch punch?" Preet shouted.
"Yes, bruv." Mitchell responded and Harper put her head in her hands.
"Obviously, we won't be doing that as this class is about avoiding violent situations." Alfie stuttered. "Now, all you need to win in a fight is..."
"Head butts." Preet screamed.
"Thinking!" Alfie shouted over him. "Preet is going to help you identify the danger signs, aren't you, Preet?"
"How to spot trouble. Yah, racial profiling. It used to just be Blacks, now Asians are tricky too."
Jing looked up slowly.
"That's inappropriate." Alfie said slowly. "Um, shall we.. OK."
"Volunteers." Preet shouted. "Who wants to dance?"
Everyone in the class started shouting and putting their hands up.
"I will do it." Alfie said, silencing everyone.
"Aw, sir OK, butt stuffer." Harper snorted, and he just smiled sarcastically at her.
"Here's your kit." Preet said.
"I'm not getting changed." Alfie protested.
Fine.
"Wheels, you're up."
"OK, I'm going. I'm going."
Eventually, Alfie came back out in an extremely unflattering uniform and everyone burst out laughing.
"Yah, that's better, puss." Preet mumbled. "Now you're ready to play with Daddy."
Everyone started laughing even harder.
"Right!" Preet shouted and everyone jumped slightly.
"Um Now, it is very important to remember that we are not condoning violence. What we are going to show you now is absolutely the last resort." Alfie explained.
"The choke hold!" Preet yelled, throwing Alfie to the floor and everyone gasped. "And for some real fun, jab the windpipe."
The whole class couldn't believe what they were watching.
"Right, Podge," Preet said, pointing at Joe, "you're in the shower room. This fudge-tunneller creeps in. Think quick, what you gonna do?"
"Er, turn the other cheek?" Joe asked, nervous.
"In the shower?" Preet said, horrified. "No, bro, he wants that. You want to get him in his yam yams." And he punched Alfie in the crotch.
"Not my yam yams.. Please let go." Alfie pleaded in a high-pitched voice.
"Get up, you prawn." Preet screamed at Joe.
"No." He protested.
"I will!" Stephen shouted, and scrambled to the front of the room.
"Stephen, remember what I said. The mind is the strongest weapon that there is."
"Wrong." Preet yelled. "Teach here has clearly never felt a riot baton."
"Why did you do that?" Alfie asked
"TIA, bro... This is Africa." Stephen said.
"It's not, it's Hertfordshire." Alfie said, confused.
"Next step." Preet continued. "Stukkie, can I borrow your high heels?" He looked at Chantelle.
"No." She protested. "Sir said to seek a peaceful solution. And anyway, these are New Look."
"Fine," Preet negotiated. "We'll skip the full frontal and move straight to the Taser."
Everyone gasped slightly.
"He's not serious, is he?" Harper asked, looking at Mitchell.
"I hope so." He laughed, but then as he looked at her and saw the worried expression on her face, he turned serious, "Nah, I don't think so, I mean that's illegal isn't it."
"What? What?! Taser? No way! No, no." Alfie started protesting, and Harper's breath hitched in her throat.
"Hey, pass me the Taser, bro, come on. I'm gonna neutralise this cock-knocker. He'll not be getting his tongue on my sugar!"
"Stephen, no! Please, someone, help!"
But sir, you've been telling us not to!" Stephen started to argue.
"I was wrong. A hundred percent, definitely wrong." Alfie screamed.
"Cease and desist!" Preet shouted. Harper, panicked, quickly grabbed Mitchell's hand that was laying on the floor. He looked down quickly before looking up at her, but she was too fixated on what was happening in front of her.
"Joe!" Alfie screamed.
Suddenly, Joe leapt forwards and tackled Preet to the ground. Harper clenched Mitchell's hand in her own, and then, they both looked at each other and quickly let go. In a second, whilst Preet was still on the floor, Alfie grabbed the taser that Stephen was holding and shot it at Preet.
"Shit." Harper screamed.
"What?" Alfie said, looking up, "He was a prick!"
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It was nearing the end of the day, and Form K were filing into their classroom. Alfie looked at Joe, and handed him a copy of Tokyo Sin.
"Alfie?" Joe said.
"Look, I'm sorry." Alfie began.
"No-" Joe protested.
"I've thought about what you said.."
"So have I-" Joe struggled.
"And I've broken every rule in the book, but I didn't want you being left out."
"Alfie-"
"Don't worry about it." Alfie said, smugly.
"Well, no, it's not that." Joe explained, "It's just that Tokyo Sin isn't cool any more."
Mitchell walked in.
"Ain't you heard, Grandad? It's all about Murder Blade."
"Murder Blade? That sounds even worse." Alfie said in disgust.
"Basically, you've got these little cardboard squares, then you pile 'em up, then you throw more little cardboard squares at the little cardboard squares."
"But that's just Pogs!" Alfie gasped in disbelief.
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Chapter 6 is complete! Only realised at the end that I put the whole of episode three in one chapter!!
Next chapter soon! x