Colder than ice

'I'll pretend my ship's not sinking'

Tuesday December 25th, 2017.

'Are you okay Dot?' Her mum asks, coming to sit next to her, offering her a cheese piece. 'You are awfully quiet.' Her daughter smiles up at her mum, taking the piece of cheese off her mum. 'And you look a little pale.' Joe and she had a vomiting bug last week, and they have finally stopped being sick, though she couldn't shake off this nausea. 'Are you feeling any better?' She closes her eyes a moment, taking a deep breath.

'A little.' She looks at her mum, she had only been here a couple of hours, Joe and Dianne were spending their time with their families. He had dropped her off and gone to his families. 'Would you mind if I leave early?' She asks her, as her mum shakes her head, pressing her hand to her daughter's head.

'Do you want me to get your dad to take you back? He's only had one drink.' She shakes her head, standing up.

'No, it's only a ten-minute walk.' She promises her mum, 'I am perfectly capable of walking home.' She picks up her vans, putting them on.

'You going Dot?' Andrew asks her. 'It's only four.' She nods her head, finishing up the bow on her shoe.

'Yeah, I'm still not over this sickness bug.' She tells them, grabbing her coat, her dad goes to stand up. 'I'm okay dad, its not a long walk and I'll text you when I'm home.' She smiles, giving everyone a hug. 'Merry Christmas.' She shouts, shutting the door as the cold air hits her. It's not snowing yet, and she has a coat on but that doesn't mean it completely obliterates all of the cold air.

She walks quickly to their block of flats, texting her mum when she gets into the block of flat. She struggles to unlock the door, but when gets in she falls into the sofa, sighing. This vomiting bug was really taking effect on her. She was tired all the time, last week her and Joe didn't do anything but lay in bed. Oh, and vomit.

To: Suggers: Have gone home, so don't have to pick me up. Have fun, love you.

She doesn't expect to get a reply, as she turns the TV on, going to have a shower. She likes the hot water scaling down her back. Its nice, a contrast to the cold air. No matter how high they have their heating, the coldness seems unrelenting. She knows that they will eventually have to move out, they will have to get a bigger place, but for now, this is all they need.

She lost all track of time, as she wakes up she notices that it's lightly snowing outside. She watches it from the window, smiling as it floats gently to the ground. Its so peaceful outside, tranquil even. She doesn't know how long she's there for, just watching it. She realises that she probably should get ready for bed, because, despite her nap she was awfully tired.

She's looking for the toothpaste when a thought falls on her. It literally falls on her. As she looks up to get the toothpaste, a pack of pads falls on top of her. She had forgotten she had put a pack up there, last month. As she picks it up the pack it dawns on her. Suddenly she feels like she's going to faint. She abandons the toothbrush and goes to sit down.

She gets her calendar up on her phone, counting back the days. Each day that she counts, her heart sinks a little more. Her breath hitches, internally pleading that this isn't happening. Not now, not yet. Her phone buzzes, showing that Joe has sent her a message.

From: Suggers: You okay baby? I can come back.

To: Suggers: Noooo, I'm fine see you tomorrow.

She doesn't sleep much that night, suddenly she's not very tired. The night seems to drag, as she puts the inbetweeners boxset on, to try and take her mind off it. It doesn't do a very good job; every time she laughs she ends up thinking about her situation.

She doesn't know what she wants. She is aware that she might be jumping the gun a little bit. She might just be late. It's plausible. Except she knows in her heart how this is going to go. She knows where this is going. Then what about Joe? She loves her boyfriend, but is he really mature enough to have a baby? Maybe he would leave her? She didn't know if she was strong enough for an abortion, but she didn't know if she was strong enough to go through with the pregnancy. The one thing she was certain of, was that Joe needed to know.

She left the house at dead on nine, making her way to the local Superdrug. She made sure that her head was covered, so no one recognised her. She didn't want anyone to know, not before Joe. She owed it to him. He needed to know. No matter how much the thought of her telling him scared her, it was his business as well. Ultimately, it was her decision, but she wanted to tell him.

She carefully opens the box, opening the instructions and reading them. She knew what to do, it wasn't rocket science. You pissed on a stick, and it would tell you if you were pregnant. It took a while to do, she couldn't pee. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't. She knew that Joe was coming back that day, and she wanted to-do it alone. It's not that she didn't want Joe to know, she would tell him. Regardless of the outcome, she would tell him.

When she finally managed to pee, she sat there on the toilet, in her pyjama's. Waiting for the stick to confirm what she already knew. She was pregnant. In years to come, she would do this three more times. Each time would be different, she would be in a bathroom in a shopping centre, when she found out about Theo, she would be at her parent's house when she found out about Matilda. And with the final baby, she would be in her bedroom, sitting on her husband's side of the bed. A side which hadn't been slept in for months. With each of them would bring about the same feelings, all just in a different order.

A/N Thoughts??? Also dunno if you'll get another chapter before Sunday (Sorry!) I'm braving the snow (we have SO much where I am... which is awesome) and going out tonight, and tomorrow night and it's too long to bore you as to why I probably won't update. Anyway have a nice weekend guys. Also, has anyone gone to see the strictly live show? I'm going next week at the SSE arena and I'm super buzzed.....