Depression.

Dreaming

Dreaming, is this a dream? It has to be right? Life can not be this cruel to one person. That is extremely horrific to write because there are other people out there in the world who have it way worse off. Yet, I still feel a burning desire to plunge a knife so far into my rib cage it comes out my spine. I want to shove a revolver in my mouth and pull the trigger. I want to go in a way that I know will kill me. Driving off a bridge or rolling into a ditch doesn't promise death like an arrow through the eye socket and into the soft folds of the brain that lay deeper beneath. The blank stares, the numbness but its not exactly numb is it? It's like a pain that refuses to come out so you call it numb. There is no other definition of it is there? You are just too tired to try to define the feeling crawling its way into your body. A black cloud you suck in without realizing it. There is no flavor but you still taste it right? It scratches your throat clawing its thick body into your heart. It stretches like itching fingers towards your brain. You pray it doesn't find its way. You swallow those tears, even though its trying to yank them out of your tear ducts but, you refuse to let them drop, you clutch onto them like your life depends on it. It's the only way to insure you won't show an ounce of weakness. You won't let that darkness win. The hole inside your stomach, like a black hole in the stars. No matter how much you shove into that pit, it will never fill. You are stuck wanting more and more but nothing is helping. However, it's getting worse it starts to eat at your flesh sucking in the pieces of bone and skin that start to detach because your body just can't hold on any longer. Soon, to soon, your body will give up. It can only take so much. Pills and therapist talking just making the hole shrink a bit will not stop it from sucking in as much as it can. It will break down the biggest piece it can find eating it whole. Swallowing the last of the emotions you are so desperately trying not to lose. It's gone though. It's too late, it's always to late for something to get fixed when it is dissolving in the acid of its world. The pool of deteriorating bodies, just swirling in the dark pit that sits within your gut.