Last Entry | Stan Marsh

good night

(tw; abuse,  suicide)

I sit at my computer desk, the black screen staring back at me. I turn my computer on and I open up discord. While my mouse hesitantly moves all over the screen, I go to Wendy's profile.

"Love you goodnight.." Today at 8:32 PM

Either she hasn't opened her message or she's ignoring me. There's always an answer between those two. Ever since my last break up it had been rough. Ever since my first abusive relationship it had been hard. It is hard for me to function everyday, not even able to leave my bed sometimes. Every time I am in public I get nervous, I can't be around people. I just isolate myself, even when I know it isn't the thing to do. I know anyone could leave me at any minute. It has been three years since I had started. 

I take another sip of alcohol; it runs cold through my burning throat.

 Ever since I first dated that asshole I never realize how delusional I was. To put all of my trust in someone who lied about everything, without even blinking an eye. Lied to me about traveling, family, popularity, money, trust, about love. Our love had been everything to me and they hadn't given a single fuck. From the start of the relationship to the end it had always been a joke to them. It is crazy to think that people like that exist. It is, until you realize everybody is like that. Everybody just want's to fuck with your emotions, your time, your money. Life is just a game overall. That's how I see it at least. You give relationships and friendships everything and they leave you in the end.

 I clench onto the pillow in my lap. I rest my head in the pillow and I feel my tears sink through the fabric. 

 It had been a hard week. I had been fired from 7/11 yesterday. Following that I had found out Sparky had gone blind due to old age. I had been trying to save up money to visit Wendy, my job being the main source of money. She had moved to Oregon over the summer and we exchanged contact information before she left. We had started to talk more and then I had found myself dating her. Kyle says it's unhealthy to be in a long distance relationship. Like he would know about relationships.

 I laugh and then I start to cry more. I think about the last time I saw Wendy. It felt like forever and I just want to see her again. A couple weeks ago her dad had forced her to break up with me due to her grades in school. He calls me a distraction and that I keep her up at night. He said that if she hadn't, he would move her schools and take away all of her electronics.

 She had promised me we would still be able to talk and we could still date under certain conditions. Ever since that day she had grown more distant. I wish I could let her know how much I need her. How much I need someone's help right now. Not even Kyle could help right now, and he's my best friend. 

 Wendy can't even text a goodnight back anymore. She has been the sweetest girlfriend ever to me. She cares about me and she tries her best but she doesn't know the extra help I need. She doesn't know how the trauma I've been through effects me every single day. Not only that, but my parents arguing every second doesn't help. I wish I could have someone to talk to. Someone who could understand. Although no one does. I've been trying for years. No matter how much will power I have left I still can't fight through it. 

 I've had enough and this is why I'm writing this. I'm sorry Kyle. I'm sorry Kenny. I'm sorry Cartman. And to who needs the apology the most is Wendy, I'm sorry. I've tried and I think I given up. So this is my last I love you and goodnight. Forever

I press enter and wipe my tear stained face. I step off my chair.