Choises and coinsidenses

7 chapter

This day came like a flashlight. I was nervous and at the same time excited. Several (to be exact, two) years ago I did my last dance cover on YouTube channel. The reason was that back then my parents passed away due to car accident, and I fell into deep depression, lost connections with almost everyone... I always have been doing covers with my friends, was main dancer.

Flashback

"Phoenix, will you be able to do covers? I mean to dance?" My group mate asked.

I shooked my head what meant no. I didn't want to give up but the ones who cheered up, said pursue things I like, they were already gone. Tears started falling and as soon as I could, said sorry and went out somewhere where I could have some time alone and get some fresh air. Somehow came to rooftop, where was several benches. I sat down, hid my face in hands and cried all my pain.

Suddenly I felt someone's arms around shoulders. Hugs was one of things that I needed at that time and also, understanding. Although at that time I started avoiding people, I was depressed, our group of friends kinda disbanded because of me going hiatus.

Flashback end

Of course there is only one question in your head: why I am here and dancing, although I didn't want to continue? Well, there is only one answer: persuing dream. There was one moment that changed my mind, remembered parents words: "persue your dream no matter what it takes and how painful it can be". These words gave me courage to live on.

Today, just before all auditions I'm standing before mirror - that is my habit before all important events like today.

I can see although barely dark circles around eyes, pale skin due to overworking, all body was quite skinny, because of all these diets, sport, but still I have strength left in me.

Finally all that thing started and I saw J-Hope, Suga, RM, Bang PD, and another man who I didn't know. When Hobi's and my eyes met I was shook, because I didn't expect that. Also I saw other members of the group but they were sitting a bit further.

Finally I was standing on the empty small stage, thinking that I have a trump card - good songs for rapping and dancing.

As I mentioned earlier, audition is parted into two parts: first one - rapping and singing, another one - dancing.

And here I'm ready to perform - Intro: Nevermind, here's lyrics:

앞만 보고 달렸지
주위를 둘러 볼 틈 없이
어느새 나는 가족의 자랑이 됐고
어느 정도 성공을 했어
사춘기라 말하는 그쯤
생각이 나네 문득
그 당시 나는 어렸고 무서울 게 없었지
몇 번의 좌절 그건 아무것도 아녀
달라진 거라곤 그때에 비해 조금 커진 키와
동 나이대에 비해 조금 성숙해진 시야
남산동의 지하 작업실에서부터
압구정까지 깔아 놓은 내 beat 청춘의 출처
주위 모두 말했지 오버하지마
음악 한답시고 깝치면 집안 거덜내니까
그때부터 신경 안 썼지 누가 뭐라든지
그저 내 꼴린대로 내 소신대로 살아갈 뿐
니가 보기엔 지금 난 어떨 것 같냐
내가 보기엔 어떨 것 같아?
내가 망하길 기도했던 몇몇 놈에게 물을게
집안 거덜 낸 것 같냐 새꺄

I don’t give a shit I don’t give a fuck
하루 수백 번 입버릇처럼 말했던
‘내게서 신경 꺼’
실패나 좌절 맛보고 고개 숙여도 돼
우리는 아직 젊고 어려 걱정 붙들어매
구르지 않는 돌에는 필시 끼기 마련이거든 이끼
돌아갈 수 없다면 직진 실수 따윈 모두 다 잊길
Never mind
쉽진 않지만 가슴에 새겨놔
부딪힐 것 같으면 더 세게 밟아 임마

Never mind, never mind
그 어떤 가시밭 길이라도 뛰어가

Never mind, never mind
세상엔 니가 어쩔 수 없는 일도 많아
You better

Never mind, never mind
부딪힐 것 같으면 더 세게 밟아 임마
Never mind, never mind
포기하기에는 우린 아직 젊고 어려 임마
Never mind

부딪힐 것 같으면 더 세게 밟아 임마
부딪힐 것 같으면 더 세게 밟아 임마
Never mind

I put so much energy to this performance, of course, leaving some more to another performance and for words Nevermind that were the last, I emphasized.

I was breathless, judges were surprised (actually shocked). No one expected me to perform this song and even to rap because I said BTS that I can't rap. Oh well, it's a surprise for them.

"Thank you for participating here," Bang Sihyuk said. I just bowed and went to changing room to rest and wait for everything's end. Finaly we all are standing before judges and not to hear stupid whispers in my head, I played a song in my mind and that was "Young forever".

The curtain falls and I’m out of breath
I get mixed feelings as I breathe out
Did I make any mistakes today
How did the audience seem
I’m happy with who I’ve become
That I can make someone scream with joy
Still excited from the performance

I stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long
While standing on this empty stage, I become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness
Within my suffocating feelings
On top of my life’s line
Without a reason, I forcibly act that I am fine
This isn’t the first time, I better get used to it
I try to hide it, but I can’t
When the heat of the show cools down
I leave the empty seats behind

Trying to comfort myself
I tell myself the world can’t be perfect
I start to let myself go
The thundering applause, I can’t own it forever
I tell myself, so shameless
Raise your voice higher
Even if the attention isn’t forever, I’ll keep singing
As today’s me, I want eternity
Forever, I want to be young

Forever we are young

Under the flower petals raining down
I run, so lost in this maze

Forever we are young

Even when I fall and hurt myself
I endlessly run toward my dream

Forever ever ever ever
(dreams, hopes, forward, forward)

Forever ever ever ever
We are young

Forever ever ever ever
(dreams, hopes, forward, forward)

Forever ever ever ever
We are young

Forever we are young

Under the flower petals raining down
I run, so lost in this maze
Forever we are young

Even when I fall and hurt myself
I keep running toward my dream

Forever we are young
Under the flower petals raining down
I run, so lost in this maze

Forever we are young
Even when I fall and hurt myself
I keep running toward my dream

Judges kept talking to other participants untill I heard: "Phoenix" and I lifted my eyes to them to hear what they'll say.
"We're stunned that you chose this song, but don't you think it was not your song?" Bang PD asked.

"Umm, well I thought that was a good way to express my feelings."

"I see, but I'm not sure if you make it". I just nodded. If I don't, there are a lot of other entertainments.

"Don't even try to think this way. I won't let you go" Sweet voice of my soulmate Hobi came to my mind and I let out small smile as a thank.

Then, he talked a bit, named trainees who can't continue and there wasn't my name. I sighed out of relief.