The Worth of Tears

Chapter 1 (Excerpt)

A wise man once said the only real regrets in life are those things you never get the chance to do. Mistakes can be forgiven and undone, but it's our unfinished business that becomes our real regrets, left to echo on the strings of time.

I would give all my time to this girl who happened to sit directly one desk behind me in my sophomore literature class. If you were to ask anyone the color of her eyes, they would most likely say green, but I never realized their color until many years later. For me when I looked into her eyes, I saw a color that I did not understand. I saw a world that was beyond my own, and I found myself longing to live in it every second I wasn't next to her. It wasn't that I felt that I couldn't live without this girl or that she was all that mattered, it was just that when she looked back at me I saw her eyes mimic what mine were doing and out of this a mystery was conceived. Unlike most mysteries that are of an ill nature or have a finality, this mystery was one that didn't have boundaries or any uncertainty of its intention. With just the call of my name, she could inject into my soul an understanding of an unseen power that can only happen when two people reach out to one another, not with their hands but a simple glance and how that simple glance can rearrange a broken soul into an almost perfect one. I guess a better word for it would be Love.

When Maura McDowell and I met for the first time, there's no way I could have known where life would take us. We both were on the brink of turning 16 and thought we had most of everything figured out like most 16-year-old's. We dated on and off also like most teens, but we made it through high-school. It was between college and young adulthood that we found ourselves questioning where we wanted to go in our lives and if we were going to do it together or alone. I had just gotten home from school after a late night class, and she was waiting for me in her car. As I got out, I glanced a smile at her, and she nodded her head as to get in the car. I got in, and she leaned over and gave me a big hug and kiss. How are you? She said as she smiled at me with her beautiful eyes. I guess I had a certain look on my face. Out of nowhere without realizing I was even saying it, I looked at her and said I needed time away from her for a while. Her face turned from happy to confused and misery. Are you serious? Yeah, I said with a short breath. It stood silent for about half a minute, and I broke the silence. I just feel like we argue all the time and that's all we've become. She sat there with tears welling in her eyes and slowly nodded her head in a way that pride does when it sets in and takes over as if to defend. Okay, John. I guess you got it all figured out. She turned her head and looked out the window, and I got the gist. It took all that was in me to hold back my tears, and I quickly got out of the car and didn't even look back afraid that I might break if I did so I headed into the house to dwell in solitude.

About one year had passed. We spoke maybe two or three times over the phone but only to say hi and see how the other was doing. I think we both missed each other so much but had too much pride to admit it to one another and even more so ourselves. A few more years passed and I was doing my residency for trauma surgery at the hospital I had been working at right after high-school. I was talking to one of the other med students when I noticed a woman down at the end of the hall stop and looked at me. She stood there frozen as if she didn't know if she should hide or walk up to me. I politely excused myself from the conversation I was having and walked towards her. She had a smile of relief that she didn't have to make the first move. Hey, stranger, I said as I gave her a tight hug. What are you up to? My Mom was in a car accident a couple of days ago and had knee surgery this morning, so I'm visiting her. I'm so sorry to hear that. Everything else was okay though? No other injuries? Yeah totally fine with everything else thankfully. I gave her a wink. All right well I gotta get back to work. I realized that I felt this huge emptiness inside. I hadn't seen her in so long and learned to deal with her absence but seeing her now my heart screamed Say something!. Hey, I'll be leaving work around six o'clock. You wanna join me for dinner? She thought for a second. Okay. One of the doctors shouted from down the hall, John we gotta go up to the fourth floor! I put my hand on her shoulder and said Hey meet me in the front lobby at six.

You know where it is? Yeah, I do. She said with that same smile she had when I first met her. All right, see you then Maura. Wow. Was this for real? Did I just run into my first love? My mind was wheeling. Dr. McNeal and I got up to the fourth floor to consult with a family about the recovery of surgery that had been done on their grandfather a few days before. We made our rounds to a few more patients, and I began getting anxious about meeting with Maura. I wasn't nervous but more excited and kept laughing inside why I was getting this way at all. Sometimes life feels like the movies. I took the elevator down to the lobby staring down at the ground just picturing her face and remembering so many good things about our past.

The elevator doors opened, and as I looked up, I saw her sitting on one of the lobby chairs. At the same time, she looked up with a smile that had already seemed to start before she even lifted her head. It was as if her heart whispered: He's here. I smiled back and felt stuck in time. As I walked towards her, she stood up still smiling and without any clue...