Infatuation & Reflection

Reflection 7

                I am always praying to God na sana hindi dumating ang time na yun. Yung time na sasabihin namin sa isat isa ‘Hey, let’s call it quits’. And I did everything that I can to avoid misunderstanding and stupid conflicts.

                But I was wrong, mahirap palang kumapit sa isang relasyon na ikaw lang ng ikaw ang humahawak. Noon, I was cool about that. I mean simula naman noong una alam ko na may pagka headstrong si Jade. And for the record hindi pa ko nanalo sa kanya sa kahit anong arguments or siguro mas tamang sabihin na ‘I let her win’. She was so adorable to the point na ayokong na-uupset sya.

                ‘No one ever succeeded on bending her strong will. Minahal ko sya ng ganyan, I want her to stay the same. Hindi nya kailangang mag adjust para sa akin, I am willing to change for her’.

                At first thought it was love, kahit yung binabago nya ang image ko at gawin akong spitting image ng twin brother, it was for love. Kahit na apat na taon na kaming nag sasama at kay Chad pa rin sya nag coconfide ng nararamdaman nya I would gladly say, it’s for love.

                The love I have for her is way too strong that it blinded my eyes, covered my ears and sealed my lips for years. Sa huli na lang ako naliwanagan na what I am doing is not for love, it’s more like a ‘stupidity’ in my part. Noong simula pa lang nakakaramdam na talaga ako ng anxiety kapag kausap nya si Chad over the phone. I kept on telling myself na napaparanoid lang ako, na siguro talagang malalim ang pagiging magkapatid nila. Wala naman kasi akong kakambal kaya wala ako sa kondisyon na magsalita right?.

                At isa pa ayokong mag-conclude sa isang bagay na wala namang matibay na basehan.

                Kahit pa sabihin na nadudurog ako kapag nakikita kong mas napapangiti sya ni Chad. Kumikirot ang puso ko kapag sa kanya nakatuon ang buong atensyon ni Jade at para akong sinasakal kapag nakikita kong ako ang  lumalabas na ‘third party’ sa kanilang dalawa.

                Tiniis ko yun lahat. But in the end parang mga bubog ng salamin na sumabog sa mukha ko ang katotohanan na totoo pala ang lahat. It is not a suspicion, but a reality – a heartbreaking reality indeed.

                It wounded every single damn part of my being as a man. What hurts the most is she leaves my heart scarred. While reading her diary, tears were falling in my eyes like river. Mas matatanggap ko pa siguro kung ‘casual s.e.x’ lang ang nangyari sa kanila although what they did may consider as blasphemy!.

                Pero yung ‘feelings’ I am hundred and one percent sure na nandoon iyon sa diary.

                ‘The warm of those lips I’ve felt just once,

                I will take all of them

                And treasure it in my heart...’

                Wow, this is not a Diary it feels more like a confession from a lover!. Kaya kong tanggapin ang nangyari sa kanila and think that it never happen. Sabi sa inyo eh, I am a fool.  Sure, Jade was not a virgin when I first took her,  who cares anyway?.