Sick Of Losing Soulmates: 13th Doctor x River Song

Sick of Losing Soulmates

The events of the day pained the Doctor more than she was letting on. Whilst she understood why Graham felt drawn to the Solitract Grace and wanted to be with her, part of her wished it was someone else that appeared behind that sheet on the washing line.

Seeing Graham's face light up at the sight of the woman he loved only served as a reminder of the woman that she had lost. She knew that it wouldn't have even been real, but would that really have mattered? After the pain she went through of losing her wife and having to be constantly reminded of the loss every time they met again, didn't she deserve some happiness even if it was only brief and fleeting?

As soon as she heard that a 'friend of yours' was in this strange dimension, her hearts skipped a beat in hope that she would see her once more. When it was revealed that it wasn't her love that had returned, it was as if someone had driven a knife into both of her hearts but she couldn't show how she had been affected, as she had to be there for Graham. It was quite ironic really, as she could understand what Graham was going through despite how unusual the idea of re-meeting your dead spouse was. And yet, she remained silent over how similar the situations she and Graham faced really were.

After they had all piled back into the Tardis after the events in Norway, everyone seemed to be normal. Better than normal even, as Ryan and Graham had bonded over seeing Grace once again and the mutual sense of loss they both felt and Yaz was as calm and happy as usual but it wasn't like that for the Doctor. Not that anyone aboard the Tardis could even tell, especially since they didn't even know anything about the Doctor's past.

Once you've had as many different faces as she had, hiding emotion becomes child's play. Whilst team Tardis may have seen the smiles, the carefree attitude and a want for new adventure, in reality the Doctor was breaking inside. They didn't know that a smile hid the need to cry, that the carefree attitude allowed her thoughts roam free and not become grounded on sad realities. And the lust for adventure stemmed from a need to distract herself from the memories she had of the past.

The Doctor honoured the message her wife gave her all those years ago, she didn't travel alone and she sought out people to help her as she flew around the universe saving people. This was her way to silently honour her wife and perhaps one day she would tell her newfound companions about her wife but for now it was still too painful, too raw.

Too many things now acted as painful reminders but she would never let it show how much she missed her wife. Her River.