One Foot in the Grave: An Almost Zombie story

Chapter Forty-One: And Miles to go Before I Sleep

The club's hoppin' again, but I'm not surprised by that fact. After all, it's night. My mom's right. I'm doing nothing but travelling between the church and here. I'm pretty much running in circles. Maxx stops me as I start to get out of the car.

"I will take us straight to Tucker," he says. "It will be less troublesome." He grins at me.

I hold tight to the bag containing the rib-eyes with one hand and put the other hand on Maxx.

"I can't hold onto him," Andrew protests. "I'll go up in flames."

"Untrue," Maxx replies. "I only burn in my natural state. You will be safe."

"If you say so..." Andrew's tone is skeptical but he puts one trembling hand onto the hell hound. Nothing happens, and I breathe out a sigh of relief. I may not be ready to admit how I'm starting to feel about Andrew, if I ever really stopped feeling it in the first place, but neither do I want to see him light up like a Roman Candle.

The air around us twists as Maxx does his magical hell hound thing, and then I'm standing almost nose to nose with Tucker. My nostrils flare, my eyes widen, and I take a step, or three, backward.

"Uh, hi, Tucker."

The corpse grins at me. "Hello, 'not food'."

"Isis," I say, for what I think is the third time. "My name is Isis."

"I smell meat." He says. Maybe his conversational skills are being hindered by the fact that he's been dead longer than any of us have been alive?

"I brought you rib-eyes," I reply. He just stares at me, so I elaborate. "Bone-in steaks."

He holds out one rotting hand. I give him the whole bag, trying my best not to touch any part of him, because ewwww...He doesn't bother opening the bag, just starts shoving the whole thing into his mouth.

"Ummm...he's going to choke if he continues..." I trail off as I feel both Andrew's and Maxx's stares. "What?"

"He's dead, Isis. We all are, remember?"

Huh. "Speak for yourself," I snap. "I'm half-dead."

"And I am not dead at all," Maxx interjects.

"Fine," Andrew snaps back. "I'm dead, okay? I'm the freak. Happy now?"

"That's not what I meant," I say.

"This is neither the time nor the place," Maxx says. "Tucker, we are going to see Nacelles."

The revenant pays us no attention at all. He's busy picking bits of plastic bag out of his teeth. Between him and Ra'kul, I'm rapidly learning that things really could be worse.

We file past Tucker and into the hallway that never ends, except when Nacelles decides it needs to. The song from Lambchop goes through my mind...'this is the hall that never ends...it goes on and on my friends...some people started walkin' it not knowing what it was...and they'll continue walkin' it forever just because...' Rinse. Repeat. Okay, yeah, I have way too much time to just think.

"Isis, what brings you back? Do you need more brain testing?" Nacelles strolls around a corner I don't even see. I'm starting to hate this hallway. It's like some crazy fun house, but without the fun.

"I — my friend Andrew has a bit of a problem," I say. Andrew isn't my friend, but I'm not sure what else to call him.

"So, naturally, you brought him to me?"

Andrew swallows and steps forward. "Vampires are trying to kill me."

The lich tilts his head to one side. "And why would they do that?"

"I don't know. I wasn't supposed to exist." He glances at Maxx. I wonder if the hell hound was the one who told him.

Nacelles nods. "You are a mistake."

Wow. Did he just call Andrew a mistake? And I thought what Maxx did to him was mean. But Andrew finally mans up. A surge of warmth washes through me.

"I'm not a mistake," he declares. "Just because I'm not supposed to be here, that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be. Why should I have to die just to meet some ancient vampire law I know nothing about?"

"So you're here, asking for what, exactly?" The lich steeples his skeleton fingers together.

"I don't want to die," Andrew says. "I want you to get them to stop hunting me."

"There are certain protocols. What you're asking of me is highly unusual, but not completely unheard of. I do demand payment in return for my services."

The look on Andrew's face pretty much mirrors the look on my face when Nacelles told me the same thing. Though I'm sure Andrew won't get the same answer I did.

"What sort of payment?" I ask. I know, it's none of my business, but I'm curious.

"That is between Andrew and I." He holds up one hand when Andrew opens his mouth. "I can't ask for a certain payment when I have no idea what the price to me will be. I must speak to the one who created you, Andrew. Do you know who he or she is?"

"I have no idea," Andrew admits. "It was dark, and..." he hesitates before continuing. "I'm not even sure if it was male or female."

My eyebrows try to crawl into my hairline all by themselves. "How could you not know that?"

Maxx answers me, his voice soft. "Vampires can be androgynous. It is possible to be face to face with one and not know."

So if I ever made out with a vampire, I could be kissing a girl vamp and not even know it? Well, ain't that all warm and fuzzy and super creepy?

Nacelles' voice draws me back to the conversation at hand. "That's a problem, Andrew. It means I need to meet with the Master himself and see if he will remove the bounty on your head."

"I have a bounty?" Andrew's voice rises on the last word. I don't blame him for freaking out.

The lich shrugs. "It's a common practice for an uncommon situation." He turns to me. "Isis, I'd like you to come with us."

Huh? "Why?"

"You are immune to mesmerizing," he says. "I'd like to see just how good you are."

"Against a Master Vampire?" I blurt. "Are you crazy?"

"Not against a Master, Isis. Against the Master. He mesmerizes without intent," Nacelles says. "That's why he remains underground and his food supply is brought to him. If he ventured into the night, there'd be a whole city full of mindless zombies. Not your kind of zombie, just people without free will or thought."

I sigh. "Fine. So when do we leave?"

"Immediately," Nacelles says. "The longer we delay, the more likely your friend will die."

All I want to do is rest. I'm still beyond exhausted, but I guess there's no rest for the undead. At least, not tonight.

"I will remain here," Maxx states. "I do not care for most vampires."

That surprises me. I thought hell hounds and vamps would get along great.

"Is it far from here?" Andrew asks.

The lich raises one leathery eyebrow. "Have plans I don't know about?"

"Uh, no. Just curious."

"It's in Woodstock," Nacelles says.

I giggle. You'd think Woodstock would be an area of hippie 'stuck-in-the-60's type people, but it's not. It's pretty normal. At least, until you get into Towne Lake Hills North. They have million dollar homes and stuff. It's crazy.

"How're we going to get there?" I know it's mundane to ask such a silly question, but someone would notice us. Nacelles is like 6'14" and super leathery, Andrew looks dead, and I'm, well, me.

Nacelles smiles at me. "We'll take my car, of course."

I didn't even know he could drive.