Behind Quiet Eyes

Behind Quiet Eyes (Grivine)

*Christina's POV*

I stood infront of my mirror in my room and held a shirt up to my body trying to decide if it was what I wanted to wear. It was red, silky. I threw it aside when I remebered that that was Adam's favorite color on me. It had been quite a while since I'd actually heard his voice. He texted me a few times here and there, but I think it had actually been about two weeks since our last conversation. It was always awkward, like when you break up with someone and you try to act like you don't know each other, but you remember that they have seen you differently then the rest of the world.

We always tried to keep it simple. A casual hey how are you? I'm fine. We'll be okay eventually. But it always felt like we were just lying to each other. We hadn't broken up, but we may as well have. He was still out on tour, I'd left almost a month ago. My dreams went back to the way they always used to be, no Adam, no Ellie. That hurt at first, but I got used to it. I'd spent the last month trying to remember who I was before him. Luckily for me I was staying pretty busy with press and recording.

"Christina, you better hurry." My mom yelled from the other room. "You don't want to miss your studio time."

I had finally moved back home. It wasn't the easiest decision. Since Adam was technically my fiance I guess I should have moved back in to our house...his house. It wasn't mine yet. But I'd taken my ring off weeks before I'd left the tour. I threw it at him during a fight on the tour bus. I remember the way his eyes broke when I yelled and told him he could find someone else to wear it. I regretted saying it the minute it left my mouth, but I never apologized, and I never asked for my ring back. I thought maybe he would offer it. I was wrong.

I always tried to dress the best as I could, even though I was a little broken I didn't want anyone to know. Especially Adam. How embarrassing. I was here just trying to make it through the next day, and he was on tour in some other country with his band having the time of his life, doing who knows what every night. He'd never cheated on me, but I guess I thought now it was different. It was different.

My days were always the same, wake up, get dressed, got to the studio, go to interviews, and go home to my room. Occasionally I would break the rules I had made and would check to see how the tour was going. But most of the time I was very strict on not looking him up. Bobby hadn't spoken to me in months, not since the party he took me to where I got...where that happened. I had completely blocked that from my brain, except at night when he would come back for me in my dreams. Every night Adam had been there to keep him away, but now it was hard since he was all the way across the world. On most nights now when he came back after me, he would catch me, and I was forced to relive the same nightmare.

I had no friends here in L.A, nor did I want any friends. Making it through the day was a big enough task. I didn't feel like entertaining anyone else. I would talk to Sarah and Lauren occasionally, maybe Cass, but I didn't have much energy to do anything these days. Tonight when I got home it was around 8:00pm. I ate dinner with my family. I had gotten pretty good at answering questions I had only partially listened to, because my mind was almost always somewhere else.

After dinner I went straight to my bathroom for a shower, then to my bedroom. I sat down on my bed brushing my hair, remembering how weird it felt when I first came home to sleep in my own bed alone. My bed was full size, the one I had at Adam's house was a California king, even though we could have both fit together on a twin. We never took up much room since it always seemed like I would fall asleep on top of him. I started to remember the way his heartbeat would rock my body to sleep at night, but I shut it out quickly, praying it wouldn't leave an open wound. But it did. I flashedback to what really broke us apart.

Adam stood infront of me as I sat on the small couch on the tour bus. This wasn't how I'd planned the tour going. It had been 24 weeks since we had started the tour, and 12 weeks since I'd found out I was carrying Ellie. But now, I held an ultrasound picture of our child that was no longer moving, and no longer had a heartbeat. I cried for her, and I cried hoping he wouldn't blame me like I did. He cried for the both of us.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know how I let this happen." I cried starring down at the black and white picture.

"NO!" He kneeled down infront of me. "There is nothing for you to be sorry about. These things just happen. It wasn't the right time for us. Your body couldn't take all the stress."

"Neither could hers." I mumbled through my tears quietly.

"We'll make it through baby girl. The same way we always do! I promise, I'm not going anywhere."

He sat down beside me and held me as we both cried together.

A knock on my door snapped me back to reality. I wipped the tears I had cried just from thinking about What Really Happened with us, then answered.

"Come in."

"Hey, mom said this came for you. She was going to give it to you at dinner, but you left so quick." Mark said handing me a box.

I looked it over carefully as I took it into my hand.

"Thank you." I replied.

He hugged me before he left. My brother always seemed to know the things I couldn't say out loud. I looked at the small cardboard box. It was sent from Sydney Australia. I knew what that meant. I ripped into it quickly. There was a letter on top of another small box. It read,

"You're still you, and I'm still me. That means no matter where we go or what we do we will always love each other, even if we don't end up together in the end. But no matter what, this will always belong to you.

-Adam"

I sat the letter on my bed beside me. My stomach churned at his sentence saying "even if we don't end up together." I picked up the second box with my shaking hand. I opened it to see the ring he'd engaged me with. It was as stunning as the first time I saw it in the garden. He'd finally gave it back to me.