Unconditional

Chapter 7

TW for self harm

Xios just walked in my room. He didn't knock or anything, he just walked in here and locked the door. I was sitting in the corner of my room crying, on the floor. He just took himself, and sat on the ground in front of the door.

"Come on, Z, what's wrong. What did Caleb do?"

I looked away from him. I didn't want to talk about it. But at the same time I did. At this point, I just felt like a burden like this.

"If I was going to be such a problem, I was better left off with Rulen."

He looked bamboozled. He couldn't believe the words that just came out of my mouth. He didn't know Rulen, but he knew I didn't mean that. So, he got up and sat right in front of me, gently pulling my legs down so I wasn't balled up. He spread my legs and sat in front of me. He was trying to make me smile because he was being goofy.

He pulled my arms and gently held my wrists, so I couldn't hide myself anymore.

"Z, tell me what's eating at you. I wanna help."

"Pfft, help. No one wants to help me, Xios. They just want me to shut up."

"I am sure that's not true, your friends want to help you Z, but you push them away."

"Is that why they told you!? That's what Caleb thinks and so he told them that. So they think that. It's nice to know you do too. Now get out!"

"Z I-I didn't know."

"You just believed them right?!GET OUT XIOS!!"

He gets up and sighs, he should've have thought about this, especially talking to Zhaen. He knows to be careful when talking to a depressed teen like that. He wasn't careful at all. Letting his feelings get ahead of him. He left.

I crawled across the floor and locked my door. Then I crawled to my closet and locked myself in there, no one wants to know how I feel. No one cares.

I started hearing voices again and I put my hands over my ears.

No one loves you

You're just a toy to him, Zhaen

Such a burden

Always getting into trouble

I cried and shook my head, no, no that's not true. Get out of my head.

You're so difficult. 

Why do you think Dakota was like that?

Difficult to be with

Kill yourself. 

I pull a box out from a false board in my closet and open it. It was filled with razors and bandages. The only way to get the voices to stop.

Kill yourself

Do it

I take a razor and slide it across my skin. I wince and cry, remembering this feeling from when I was with Dakota. The voices subsided and I sit there, crying and bleeding in my closet. I am just a burden to everyone. I can't even defend myself. I am slow. I push people away. These are all things people feel and there's nothing wrong with that, but I was just being me. That's clearly not enough for these people.

I ball myself up and cry.

"Dude, how did it go." Caleb was back and standing next to the door. Xios was pissed. 

He walked up to Caleb and shoved him back, "What did you say to her you prick!!"

[Jo] "Hey hey! Man! Stop it!" He holds Xios back.

[Ca] "What the hell is your problem man! I told you to give it a few hours but you went up there anyways! Not my fault!"

[X] "She said you told everyone she would push them away if they tried talking to her! I told her that and it hurt her Caleb! I saw it in her eyes. Hurt. Her! You son of a-" He tried pushing him again but this time Joey and Chris had to hold him back.

[Jo] "Man, is that true. Did she not really say that?" Joey looked over at Caleb, half pissed and half worried.

[Ca] "Believe what you want, Xios came into our friend group and we are already having problems. Fuck all of you." He leaves again.

Xios calms down and they let him go.

[Jo] "Fuck, I knew he was a prick, but seriously? How can he do that to Zhaen? After all she's been through."

[Ch] "What an asshole." He sits down on the floor and sighs.

"What do we do than? We can't go talk to her because of what Caleb said. If we hurt her, then how do we make it up to her?" Chris was upset now because he had known me the longest and still trusted Caleb over anything. 

"She likes the stars, lets take her star gazing man. It should be good for her, especially after everything that happened." They all nodded and Xios looked up at them.

"Do you know what she said to me? Caleb hurt her so bad, she said she was better off with Rulen. So, if we are going to do this, we have to make her feel loved ok? Don't slip up with your words and make her feel welcomed."

They all agreed and started planning for the amazing friend night.