MCSM: 31 Day Oneshot Challenge (December)

Orange

I sigh, flopping down next to the tree. Weary muscles hum in relief, my heart and lungs calming down for the first time in awhile. Just one moment, I need a moment to get away. To just... stop.

Memories though, stupid stupid memories, refuse to let my mind have any relief. All too soon do my muscles tighten, heart hammering yet again as air rushes in and out. Tremors running up and down my arms, the urge to jump up and run growing. Yet there's nothing that I need to run from, it's all in my head.

So I stare at the sun ever so slowly crawling down to the horizon, simply focusing on breathing and only on breathing, do I begin to feel the thump of my heart calm down. Muscles smoothing out as I force myself to just breathe, only breathe.

My lungs heave with one big sigh, and I slowly let my thoughts drift away. I mean, not everything's bad. Sure, the Wither Storm left a scar that won't soon be forgotten, but people are rebuilding well. Already only after a few days a town has been developed.

A throb in my feet demands attention, as if to remind me how much I've developed that town. How many times I said yes to people when I really should have said no. When I was trapping sleeping chickens before dawn and chopping down trees well into the night. But I was hoping it would become easier, that if I was exhausted it would be easier...

Silent tears slip from my eyes, Reuben coming to life in my mind. His excited squeals so real in my ears. As if I could just turn my head and see him right there, grinning at me as he chews on a carrot. With just one simple lift of my arm I could pet him.

But the rips in my heart tell me it's not worth it to look.

Tears fall from my face as I tip my head back into the tree, squeezing my eyes shut while soft sobs escape me. I thought people said losing someone would feel empty, an abyss where your heart should be that could never be filled no matter what you do.

But this! This is my heart twisting violently every time I look down, already opening my mouth to say something to him, when I only see nothing! It's me being unable to produce even a squeak from my burning throat whenever I see or simply hear another completely different pig. It's my legs wobbling from exhaustion, demanding me to let them recover from the whole adventure instead of constantly helping, but I ignore that because I can't bare to fall asleep without him.

This definitely isn't like some imaginary hole in me, even if that hole is bottomless. This is a ravaging disease, a sneaky creeper. I never know it's coming until it's there, throwing me into turmoil. Exploding without thought to who's around me, my body struggling and breaking as I try to appear alright.

I pull my knees closer, Ivor's armor shinning in the sun. I remember I would daydream with Rueben, telling him fantastical dreams of finally having a proper sword. Maybe a fancy armor set to go with it, never having to have to worry about being called a loser or being picked on again.  

Now here I am, a legendary hero dressed in unbreakable armor with a diamond sword in his sheath, wishing for that time again. Because even if I would end up losing Rueben again, at least I would be able to treasure him more. Take more time to play with him, take him wherever I went despite whatever Olivia says about it.

A boiling flood of grief bursts from my heart, and I quickly shove my head into my knees. Violent sobs wracking my body as I still try to muffle them, wrapping my arms around my head and knees to try to silence myself. To keep all this anguish locked inside of me, that's where it belongs.

I know what Rueben would do if he were here. He would gently push my side with his head, before rubbing up next to me to just try and comfort me. The nerves that expect to feel that, the care and warmth from him, only feel the bitter cold devoid of life.