Nightmares were no longer a new thing for Goyo to be haunted of. Ever since Kakarong de Sili, for almost three years, he lived each day and night fighting those monsters of his mind. However, there was something that he couldn't fight; after all, he was willing to give up.
* * *
There were whispers which continued on its haunting. Most of them were taunting him, depressing him, and muting his senses. And in most cases, he couldn't ignore them. Especially when he so much needed the sleep, and they were there to drag him in the waking world.
He opened his eyes. His breathing erratic. His entire body sweaty and shaking. He was wide awake despite his lack of sleep. He felt physically weak and tired, but his mind screamed otherwise.
He closed his eyes again, but doing so made the dreams appear once more. He rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes and sighed heavily, gulping in the guilt of his conscience. He pushed himself away from his bed and staggered as quietly as he could to the adjacent room where his older brother was sleeping.
He bit his lower lip before daring to shake his brother awake. He called in a desperate and hushed whisper, "Kuya."
His brother made a small groan, causing him to shake the previous much forcefully and to finally wake up. With a sleepy voice, Julian mumbled, "Goyong?"
When they were kids, it had been their mother who would ensure that he would be back to sleep after a nightmare. When they became part of the revolution, the brothers all have themselves to depend on. And since that time, his nightmares started to worsen, and Goyo was ashamed that he was troubled by those dreams when Julian hadn't even shown a hint of being affected.
"Bakit, Goyong?" Julian asked him, immediately filling the shoes of the older brother incredibly worried of his younger brother; than a colonel to his general.
He bit his lower lip and shook his head, sitting on the bed next to his brother. "Wala naman, Kuya."
He closed his eyes and sighed heavily, hearing then the voice that had been going on his head right at this moment.
Walang liligtas sa iyo. Tapusin mo na talaga ito.
He closed his hands into tight fists until he felt Julian's hand closing over his. He slowly relaxed and opened his eyes, looking on at his brother's assuring face.
"Nandito lang ako, Goyong," Julian told him. "Alam mo naman na maasahan mo ako sa kahit ano pa man. Sino pa ba ang mag-aalaga sa atin kundi ang isa't isa?"
He sighed heavily again, looking away. He pressed a closed fist against his temple as he drew his legs closed to his chest by his other arm. "Nakakapagod na kasi, Kuya. Ang hirap na. Gusto ko na matapos 'tong lahat."
Julian didn't seem to realize the duality of his words. That's why, his brother told him, "Goyong... naalala mo ang sinabi dati sa atin nila itay at inay? Kung anuman ang ating napagdesisyunang simulan, siguraduhin natin na tatapusin din natin ito. Hindi man sila payag sa ating desisyon na sumama sa himagsikan, alalahanin natin na walang mas hihigit pa kundi ang lumaban sa prinsipyo na pinaniniwalaan natin."
Prinsipyo nga ba o maging alipin? His mind questioned him. Those whispers that had been his own conscience making him squirm and guilty. Ang prinsipyo mong sumunod sa isang taong binigyan ang sarili ng mas mataas na pangangailangan kesa ang Pilipinas.
"Goyong naman," Julian mumbled as he reached out to wipe away the tears from his eyes—tears that he didn't realized at all. "Bakit ba? Panaginip na naman, ano? Papagalitan ako ni inay kapag ganyan ka."
He pressed his hands onto his eyes this time, lowering his head as if that would stop his tears. But they came in a rush beyond his control.
He wanted to tell his brother, Kuya, ayoko na. Pagod na pagod na ako. Hindi ko na mailigtas ang sarili ko. Tama si Manuel. Aso lamang ako. Wala akong ibang hinangad sa buhay. Wala akong karapatan na makitang malaya ang Pilipinas. Dahil wala naman akong ginawa kundi iangat ang sarili ko. Hindi ko na kaya. Hirap na hirap na ako.
He could imagine Manuel mocking and laughing at him again. There, on the after-life, he was certainly being gossiped for every flaw he had done. And his call for Death would just be merciful unless he was placed on the treshold of pushing himself to do tell the end.
His brother moved away from the bed and moved closer to him. He was drawn in his brother's arms to comfort him. But even words of assurance weren't enough when the words were screamed right from the inside of his head.
"Magiging maayos lang ang lahat, Goyong," Julian whispered to his ear. "Magiging maayos lang ang lahat."
He wanted to believe. He wanted to hope, dream and wish. He wanted to pray—that everything will just be alright. But a part of his brain kept reminding him that he was at the edge of the cliff of his conscience. That he couldn't win against that dark forces telling him to finally call an end to all of it.
Every battle he had participated; every close calls with death; every fight for survival... all of it will always be part of his nightmare. He might have survived every now and then... had been lucky when so many had perished... it continued haunting him. He couldn't sleep with all those haunting memories. Every event of his life that slowly plucked a portion of his sanity away from him.
A long list that he never had the courage to share to anyone, even to his own brother.
Bata, bata... sa tingin mo ba'y mabubura ng iyong mga luha ang dumi ng iyong konsensiya at ang iyong mga kasalanan?
* * *
A/N: Follow me on twitter @23meraki for more updates. ;)
A/N: See "DEAD RECKONING", a Goyo x Reader story.
#GoyoAngBatangHeneralStories || #ProjectAguilaStories || #GoyoAngstStories
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Bayani Unmasked: A HENERAL LUNA & GOYO: Ang Batang Heneral One-shot collection
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