Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've cried in my room when no one was watching. No body knows how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've been let down. No body knows how many times I've felt the urge to snap. But I didn't, for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad, how horrible they truly are.
Nobody knows ME...
Have you ever took a moment to think about who you really are verses what society wants you to be? We look at the magazine's, watch the movies and we see what we think is perfection. Some of us love who we are, some of us don't. I just so happen to be stuck in the middle.
A young plus size woman living in a world filled with judgement because I'm not who everyone wants me to be. But before we get too deep in this story lets clarify that my weight doesn't define me. I'm not insecure of my size but because of the flaws of my skin. It's not easy to look in the mirror and tell myself I'm beautiful.
Sometimes I stare in the mirror and wonder just what I've done to deserve this life. The more I think about my flaws the more I cry, but what will crying do other than give me a headache? It won't soothe the pain, patch up my heart or fade the scars. Each time I see them they remind me of an emotional journey that may never end.
An ongoing problem, one that I may never win. No one, I know can relate to, or understand what I'm going through. They wonder why I don't speak about how I feel. Why I don't talk about the issue at hand but they don't stop to think that maybe Its hard for me.
It's never easy, especially when I see different women who don't have to deal with the things I do. It hurts me, for years I've had to watch my sister and brother have kids of their own. Constantly hearing everyone ask me when I'm going to be next. I never know what to say because I may never be next.
To the world I'm your average woman, I have an amazing boyfriend. He and I have been dating for going on six years. Which is why everyone expects us to get married or have kids soon. He loves the idea, but I avoid the conversation because I think some thing's are better left unsaid.
He knows nothing of my personal struggles, I've gotten better at hiding things. He doesn't see me when I don't feel my best.. shamefully I avoid him. I know sooner or later my insecurities will begin to take a toll on my relationship. As if the fear of him leaving me once he finds out isn't enough..
But if it's true love he'll stick around right? He'd hold my hand and tell me that everything will be okay. Or maybe he'd see me differently, and no longer love me for the woman he thinks I am. If he's never seen me in my worst I don't know how he can love me at my best.
Do you think he'll still love me once I admit I may never be able to give him the happy family he's always wanted? The little baby boy.. and girl? Will he love me when he sees the scars that have appeared over the years? Will he accept the symptoms that come from having this disorder?
Its a world wind of emotions being a woman that has to battle infertility. Its broken me and tore me down, its filled my mind with outrageous thoughts. Made me feel ugly and caused me to feel like an outcast. I don't fit in with my family.. I don't deserve the love my boyfriend gives me.
I've beaten myself up, saying things society says.. I've judged myself and expressed how much I hated my life. I've contemplated the value of my life, wondering if things would be better in the sky. After all I don't have much to live for...
Or do I? They say anything is possible with God, and I believe. But that small voice tries to tell me otherwise. And I'll admit sometimes I listen, I fall into this deep, emotionally draining depression. You know you need help when you become afraid of your own thoughts. This is only the beginning to the story, of a damaged soul...
