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When a batty old fortune teller predicts that Lily will find 'love' when the last batch of snow melts, she doesn't think much of it. But when she does have a love at first sight experience with a stray kitten during Christmas she's pleasantly surprised that her so-called 'prophecy' makes sense.
What she doesn't realise is that dogs are equally lovable.
REVIEW:
First thing I would like to say is that I was quite surprised at the pairing you have chosen for your book. I have always seen Sirius and Lily as having a great friendship, but seeing them as a couple was a new idea to me. But they do have potential, and I am excited to see what happens in your book!
You have characterised Lily really well. From what little canon information we have about her, many assume her as a tough, badass, sassy individual, and you seem to have captured her beautifully. She isn't afraid of telling people off, and is very caring about her friends. I love her friendship with Marlene and Dorcas, and I love the dialogues you have written! They are funny and add a humourous touch to the story, and they don't seem forced or choppy at all. The only problem I have is that you have tad too much dialogue and thus we don't get to see much of Lily's thought process.
I love the background of the story, and although there isn't a specific plot other than the romance aspect, it's still quite entertaining to read. Your dialogue is definitely your strong point, although at times, I would prefer to read a little bit more description. Admittedly, it's a matter of personal preference – I'm sure there are a lot of people who enjoy reading dialogues – but for me, a string of dialogues becomes tedious to read after a while. It would be refreshing to have some descriptive writing – maybe a description of the surroundings, the thoughts of the characters, anything really.
But it's totally up to you.
Other than this bit about dialogue, I think your story is written quite well. The interaction between the characters are refreshing, the friendship you portray between the girls and the friendship between Sirius and Lily are all well written. Sirius is quite accurately portrayed so far, and you have shown the chemistry between them in a way that would make readers want to ship them, and I think that is great!
One nitpick I have about the plot though, is that despite the fact that the story takes place in their sixth year, there hardly seems to be any tension among them. From what we can assume from the books, people have started becoming death eaters from their OWL year, and I would assume that in 1976, which is when this story takes place, people would be more fearful and would talk more about Voldemort. However, I haven't read your whole story, so if you have portrayed this in later chapters, please ignore this.
Now, your grammar. This review book is usually to review just the characters, but I couldn't overlook a few things. I'm going to be a bit blunt here, since I know you – I hope you don't mind.
Your grammar is good, for the most part. But at times, you don't use enough commas and at other times, you seem to use excess commas.
When someone is addressing a person, there should be a comma to separate the statement and the name of the person. For example, you have written, Always sharp are we Evans? while it should be, Always sharp, are we, Evans?
At another point you have written, She said dragging on the word. But it should be She said, dragging on the word. "She said" and "dragging on" are separate clauses and therefore, should be separated by a comma. You have done this quite a few times, so I had to point this out. A helpful trick is to say the sentence out loud. If you pause at any point while speaking that sentence, it usually means there should be a comma there.
Another thing is writing dialogue. When you finish a dialogue, there should be a comma before the closed quotation mark if, and only if, this is followed by a phrase such as "he said." Otherwise, there's a period. In one case, you have written something like this...
She took a deep breath and stepped into the class, "Hullo,"
...and began a new paragraph right after that. There should be a full stop after Hullo, since you are not continuing the sentence. It would be a comma if it was something like this:
She took a deep breath and stepped into the class. "Hullo," she said.
But if the paragraph ends after the quotation mark, then it should be a period.
She took a deep breath and stepped into the class, saying, "Hullo."
The third and last thing I would like to mention about your grammar is that there will be a comma before a dialogue if the part before the dialogue says, he said.
Going from the above example, there should be a period after class, not a comma.
She took a deep breath and stepped into the class. "Hullo."
There will be a comma if you mention the origin of Hullo.
She took a deep breath and stepped into the class, saying, "Hullo."
Now I normally would have ignored grammatical errors such as these, but since you have made the same errors quite a lot, I had to include it.
I apologise for being so judgemental and nitpicky, but I hope the review helped. You have amazing talent, and your story is actually quite refreshing to read. Please feel free to ignore everything I've said about too much dialogue, as it is a subjective matter, and obviously not everyone likes the same thing.
