I should never be trusted to drive a vehicle of any kind; not because I am a lousy driver, but because I tighten my grip of the wheel with every passing truck. I look in the newspaper every day for that one headline of a car crash where they simply don't know what happened. Maybe the driver lost control of the car. Suffered a seizure. Was trying to dodge a child running across the street. Something to explain why his car and insides ended up painting the front of a Canadian frozen goods truck on its way from Montreal to Detroit.
I drove from Portland to Los Angeles once. It was a pleasant trip, heading south, the air getting warmer and the people more tanned. It took me four days to drive because I kept getting distracted and took a small detour in Nevada where I got drunk as hell with a guy who had worked as a circus clown all of his life. We were exactly alike, me and him. It's easy to distract me because I never know what I should be paying attention to. Is it a new guitar model, the glimpse of something better and more dignified, a pair of brown eyes that always amplified the smile on perfectly shaped lips? During my West Coast road trip, I lost count of the times I saw an oncoming car and considered twisting the wheel to the left. Crash. Bang. Smoke.
I don't know if anyone else has these thoughts when they drive. I've never asked. When I crashed the tour bus back in '74, I found myself wondering if it was on purpose or not. I didn't mean to do it, but maybe I subconsciously wanted to.
For a while, we thought Joe would never walk again.
Now I'm driving in a Chevy rental, navigating from O'Hare to an address scribbled on a napkin in messy handwriting that isn't mine. The car is brown, a light brown that resembles baby shit. It was the only one they had left. The wipers make a wheezing sound as they try to battle away the heavy, wet snowfall.
"Are you nervous?"
I don't bother looking at the kid on the passenger seat. "No."
"Brent said," he begins, launching into yet another lie someone has said about me. People love to talk and talk and talk about me, "that, during Jackie, you were so nervous that you got drunk before every show."
"He flatters me," I note, annoyed that this one isn't a lie at all – the only way I could deal with the pressure of a ten thousand-headed crowd was alcohol. Thanks, Brent, that one will make me look good. No. It will make me look like a victim. Maybe that's a good thing.
"He also said that it got better during the second leg. You drank less, were more focused. You know, after you met him," he points out obnoxiously. I resist the urge to steer the car off the road just to shut him up, and when he takes in his dying breath, mouthing an anguished 'Why?', I'll tell him why: because he couldn't hold his damn tongue. The white snow turns an ugly shade of traffic fume black when it hits the ground, making the surface of the road slippery, but I keep us on the road for now. "Now Gabe. He said that you were never nervous during the Pearl tour. I suppose you changed."
"You love the sound of your own voice, huh?"
"Yup," he beams, light brown locks falling in front of his enthusiastic eyes. He has got a young, good-natured face he tries to mature with stubble, but it's still irrevocably made childlike by the bright energy that's always there in his words and actions. He's got slightly hollow cheeks and narrow line-like lips, and a forehead just a fraction tall enough to look like a mismatch. I concentrate on driving, and he falls silent for a while. When he speaks, he sounds troubled. "What if he's forgotten? Or what if he's still mad at you?"
"What if I'm still mad at him?"
"You're not," he says knowingly. I hate it when he's right. The snowfall is slowing down, and I shift in my seat uncomfortably and feel the seatbelt scraping the side of my neck. "I'm nervous for you," he concludes, the excitement now back. I don't need his nerves, support or shoulder to cry on. He has no idea how much his enthusiasm wears me out. He looks at the map in his lap. "Take the next left," he commands, and I change lanes. "You know, I wonder what he's like. I've heard so much about him. It's slightly surreal to meet a stranger that you've pictured naked a dozen times. Well, actually, I found this one picture in your house where he was in the nude, so –"
