; Moving Forward

loving you was breathing

I stuffed a towel at the foot of every door
leave i told the air
i have no use for you
i drew every curtain in the house
go i told the light
no one is coming in
and no one is going out
                    - cemetary (Rupi Kaur)

I remember that day October 14th so vividly, our manager hyungs came over 10 at night to give us the news. Everyone's phones were taken so we wouldn't look at social media.

Everyone's eyes were on me, as soon as they said the words.

"Her body was found this morning. She's no longer with us."

No. That didn't make sense I wanted to say, I was just with her two weeks ago.

"What if Hara, Ji-eun, you, and me were tellietubbies?" Sulli shifted through the clothing rack.

I shook my head, "I was Po last year, remember."

"I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast this morning how do you think I would remember that?"

"What about clowns?" Hara suggested, she took a step closer to me so the three of us could communicate quietly.

"I hate clowns," me and Sulli said at once.

"But the make-up would be fun to do."

"I also dislike make up," I added.

Hara playfully hit me, "You're no help."

Sulli reached over the low rack to playfully hit my other shoulder, "Yeah Jihoonie you're no help," she mocked Hara and me & Ji-eun laughed, ignoring them both while we headed further down the aisle of clothes.

"Okay wait," Sulli jumped up and down all smiley, "What if! The four of us dressed up like Monsters Inc. characters!?"

"Thats not too bad," I admitted already knowing they would try to get me to be Boo.

"There's only 3 main characters," Ji-eun said, "Who would we all be?"

"Okay fine what if me and Hara could dress like Snow White, and the evil queen while you're the prince and Jihoon  and maybe some more of his members could dress up as the seven drawfs."

"Ouch. I'm the prince? We have a boy right here."

"No I like that better," I stated, "Hara should be Snow White though, cause she's nicer."

Hara, Ji-eun, and I laughed bolting down the aisle before Sulli could hit us.

The rest of the night happened rapidly, and right now I don't want to remember it.

Her funeral was two days long, so f(x) members and other idols that lived in other countries could come see her one last time.

We went both days.

The first day we got there super early, only family were allowed in the room with her casket, so me and the other members waited right outside the doors.

I stared at this cage where two doves sat.

"They're so cute aren't they Woozi-hyung?" Seungkwan came to stand beside me.

"Kind of ugly," I muttered.

DK smiled, "Don't be mean."

I smiled back, but broke past the others to get to the water cups and the fancy clear water dispenser with fruit floating inside it. S.Coups followed to get him and Mingyu a cup as well.