120 on the highway (Part 1)

Finding yourself

We started spending more time together, we laughed, became best friends. It sorta felt like we were a couple, which I wanted us to be and I hoped, I hoped with all my heart. If things were different, we'd already been together. Then it would have been easy. So easy. If it was just another person. But nothing is easy.

I started to wish myself away, wish that I was someone else. I dreamt, I wished, I hoped. I had thought it would be wonderful to be in love. How wrong I'd been. It was a nightmare. I knew that I could never be together with my person, the one I loved more than anything in the world.

It's so hard to tell you this, I just thought you should know that. The one I was in love with was a guy.

I'm gay.

His name was Cal. Cal, the world's most beautiful name. On the world's most beautiful person.

I was so ashamed. I didn't want to be with him anymore, because I thought it would pass then. That it all had been just a misunderstanding. But still, I wanted to be with him more than anyone else in the world, more than anything I wanted to be his and him to be mine. I wanted to be together with him. But I couldn't. Wouldn't.

When the phone rang, I always jumped up and I was always there first. Because what if it was Cal calling? Calling me. Just talking with him made everything feel better, like everything was gonna be okay. Like I was gonna be okay one day. But it wouldn't, I wouldn't. I'd always be weird, strange, outside. And all alone. All alone for the rest of my life. Without my family and without Cal. And what was a life without Cal?

”So, what do you say?”

”No, I really can't…”

Goddammit I'm bad at excuses. Even on the phone!

”Why?” Cal asked, he wanted to take me to the cinema. ”I heard it's lots of hot girls in it.”

I bit my lip at that. I didn't want him to think girls were hot, I wanted him to think I was hot and I certainly didn't want to go watch hot girls with him.

”No, I just can't.”

”And I asked why.”

Silence. I didn't want to lie. Not to Cal. Wonderful, wonderful Cal.

”I know you can.” He saw through me. Every freaking time. ”Why do you lie to me, Noah? Why don't you want to be me with me? Don't you like me?”

I wanted to scream. Of course I like you, you stupid dork! I love you! Because I did. But I couldn't say that. He was a dude, a dude can't love another dude. It was wrong. My life really sucked.

”Cal”, I sighed. ”I just can't.”

”Okay, that's enough”, he responded harshily. ”What's wrong with me, Noah? Or is it something wrong with you? Noah, what's wrong with you?!”

No, I mimed and felt the tears burn in my eyes. You're not wrong, not at all, you're perfect. I am wrong. That's it, Cal, I am wrong. So, so wrong.

”Noah”, he said slowly. ”Noah.”

”Yeah”, I answered with a voice as steady as possible.

”I'm sorry, Noah, for getting mad. You're my best friend. And there's nothing wrong with you, do you understand that? You're completely normal. I'm sorry, Noah”, he said, having pulled himself together. ”We don't have to see that movie.”

That wasn't really what the problem was, but still, now I get to choose something that's not about tits.

”We can go bowling”, I suggested.