It's Us

Arthur

I am totally absolutely not freaking out right now. Okay yes, I am abso-fucking-lutely freaking out, an infinite expanse of freak-out, an -I forgot to take my meds- freak out, an Arthur Suess is going back to New York freak out.

For the record, I have mixed feelings about the universe. Sometimes it wins you the lottery. Or a surprise trip from your best friends, or a really good deal on high tops. But most times it plays the mom just walked in on you having sex card, or the dropped your ice cream on the sidewalk card, or the "accidental" stumble upon dinosaur porn online card. Sometimes it flips tables, turns the tide, drives you absolutely crazy. The universe is big, infinitely expanding, and nobody really knows how, or why, or what.

I sometimes think of people as lines; people meet, their lines cross, but eventually, they continue on. Maybe their lines cross again. Maybe they don't. But the point is something happened when they did, meeting someone put a tiny dot on your line. A dot that will always be there. Something to look back upon, even if your lines never cross again. Sometimes peoples lines never cross, there are people you will go a lifetime without meeting or knowing, parallel lines extending infinitely outwards.

I think that's sort of sad, which is why I'd prefer to get to know someone, if only for a little while. We can't change the universe, but we can change how we choose to live in it.

The universe played a lottery card. A fantastical -I'm questioning reality- lottery card. Or maybe that's just how I choose to see it. College hasn't been the wild cliche and fun parties I'd thought it would be. It's more of the tumblr "yes I have 2 exams tomorrow lets stress eat tacos and get high on coffee" But among new friends, navigating Ethan and Jessie vs Ethan+Jessie, and casual hookups that never seemed to really work out, I found something.

A dream. A push, a passion, a reason. Sophomore year I took a premature fictional writing course. And now I can't stop.

Guess where I ended up? New York City. Again. My own crazy New York do-over. I can't help but be ridiculously excited, and a little scared because New York is enormous, beautiful, stunning, and worth absolutely everything. And suddenly I realize I'm not talking about New York anymore, I'm talking about Ben.

It's been over 2 years since that first summer, and at least 8 months since the last time I saw him. We had a reunion party in Georgia. Everyone came down even Dylan and Sam (who are still together!) I don't really know what Ben and I are, even after all this time. We haven't kissed since that summer. I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish. Instead, we call ourselves best friends but both of us know it's always been something more. And now we finally have the chance, have the time, to figure it all out. I don't know what to think, or what to do, or how to act but I can't help but believe in the universe. I can't help but believe in us.

It's all too soon that my plane lands. The hard thump of the wheels hitting the ground brings me out of my Disney movie binge and back to reality. I am literally living the dream right now; finishing college at NYU and starting a dream internship for my dream job. I'm literally going to see him in thirty minutes oh my god. I force myself to calm, It's only Ben. Just it's Ben. Like how could I be anything but calm. It's the first time in forever where I'll' get to see his face, his freckles, hear him laugh without the staticy phone calls and blurry facetimes. I sling my backpack onto my shoulder, I don't have any other luggage. Mom made sure to ship everything to Uncle Milton's last week. I smile at the security guard at the gate and his mustache twitches as he waves me through. Oh New York, land of the handlebar mustache and emotionless cat ladies. It's good to be back.

Okay, scratch that the MTA gods still suck and the subway sucks even more. I finally finally exit the tube and dash onto the street. I allow myself one tourist look up at the buildings before I hurry along. At least I know exactly where I'm going, how could I forget.