trees

15.

And things got better for a little bit, but all it felt like was being stuck in the eye of a storm.

The end of summer meant the start of fall approaching once again, and Mikey wasn't nearly ready to give up his popsicles and fireworks, not yet, not ever. Fall was when all the leaves changed color and drifted from their branches, and there wasn't much use in hiding in a tree if there wasn't any foliage to hide you, was there?

"Is it okay?" Pete was asking somewhat anxiously from where he was perched on the end of his bed, swinging his legs back and forth because they couldn't reach the ground.

Mikey looked himself up and down, flattening our his shirt and doing few twists in front of the bathroom mirror; his old binder had been inexplicably destroyed (maybe it was a combination of water damage and overuse) and Pete had bought him a new one. "It's great."

"Are you sure it's not too tight or anything?" Pete called from the bedroom, and Mikey couldn't help but smile.

"You sound like Gee," he replied, looking back over his shoulder, and he caught Pete smile back at him as he did. "I'm sure."

"Okay, Mikeyway. Just checking."

It had always been Pete keeping Mikey hammered to the ground.

August wasn't a very friendly month, with its searing heat and unbearable humidity, not to mention Pete complained about tanning about seventy times a day, because he didn't want to ruin his vampire vibe. He sounded like Gerard, and that scared Mikey.

Gerard was what one would call a recluse, and he hadn't always been that way, just ever since he got paranoid and had to break up with his boyfriend. Frank. Mikey hadn't seen him in ages, not since the Fourth of July, pretty much, and he kind of missed having him around.

It should've been the other way around; it should've been Mikey learning from his older brother, not the other way around, but the former just supposed Gerard was selfish and didn't want to take the blow. Selfish and fragile.

Mikey wondered how long it'd take for Gee to crack, how long it'd take for him to snap, how long it'd take for him to step up and stop being a coward. Cowardice seemed to run in the family.

"You think a lot," Pete said, and this time, he was cross-legged on the end of a park bench, staring at his boyfriend in the same enamored way he always did. "You look lost. Spacemen in another galaxy."

"Spacemen in another galaxy," Mikey repeated, letting himself smile a little bit. "Aliens on Earth."

"Like me. Sometimes I think I'd be cooler on Mars." Pete ran a hand through his hair, which was getting almost intolerably longer by the day, but Mikey liked to play with it when they were alone together.

"You're cool." Mikey picked at a piece of lint on his shirt. "To me."

"I'll take you with me when the government finally funds my space expeditions. Gay spacemen are the best spacemen."

"There are no trees on Mars," Mikey said matter-of-factly, "or on any other planet."

"Alien trees."

"Not the same."

Gerard was a coward. A bruise on Mikey's upper arm began to hurt again and his smile promptly faded.

"I'm sorry," Pete said, having noticed Mikey's expression change and probably blaming it on his stupid remark about alien trees, because Mikey was curious and the strangest things set him off. Pete reached for Mikey's hand and the latter took it, albeit after hesitating for a second or two.

"You didn't do anything," Mikey replied, putting extra emphasis on the "anything."

Mikey briefly wondered if there was anyone that might recognize him in the park right then, anyone that would come up to him and ask him how he was doing, but then he remembered that nobody really cared about him anymore, nobody but Pete.

"I worry about you sometimes," Pete said, "because you're distant, and then sometimes you ignore me for days on end and then show up on my doorstep like nothing even happened."

"I don't want you to worry," Mikey responded. There's a reason for everything.

"Well, I can't help it or anything."

Scanning the park one more time to make sure that there was absolutely nobody Mikey knew cared about him walking around, he leaned forward, cupping Pete's cheek in his free palm and kissing him.

It took twenty four seconds before Mikey got scared and pulled away again, because Gerard was a coward and never did shit.

Pete, despite trying to be scary all the goddamn time, smiled way too much for his own good, and his lovesick grin made Mikey's heart flutter like he was falling in love all over again.

"You used to kiss me all the time when we were out in public," Pete commented, but he didn't ask why or what happened, just let the statement hang.

"I know," was all Mikey could offer in response, and he didn't know what else to say without worrying the other, because that was the absolute last thing he wanted. Pete's oblivion was blissful, and disrupting it would be a sin.

Mikey was a coward.

"I'll always love you," Pete said, his voice timid, like he thought he was walking on eggshells with every word he spoke. He wasn't, but he knew that Mikey was selfish and fragile and cowardly. "Forever and always."

And you're the only one, Mikey thought bitterly, and he rubbed his boyfriend's hand gently. Pete was just trying his best. "I love you, too," Mikey replied, because he could tell that Pete was holding his breath, waiting to see if he'd said something wrong or not, waiting to see if Mikey would get upset.

Pete let out his breath. He was still gently
smiling, because he really did do that too much for his own good, didn't he, and maybe if Mikey pretended that nothing else existed in the entire world expect for them, everything would be okay again.

Words without meaning. Some things were just irreversible, and some people were just fucking cowards.

"I'll find you a home in the alien trees," Pete said. Not we'll, just I'll.

"You don't have to be responsible for me," Mikey replied. A gentle breeze disrupted the stale summer air and brushed Mikey's bangs out of his face. "It's a bad idea. You can trust me on that."

Pete pressed his lips together. He didn't know what he was talking about, and from his expressions he clearly didn't want to ask, perhaps because he was afraid that he might misstep and end up in a ditch.

"Well, someone's gotta do it," Pete said eventually, and it was probably only a second later but it felt like longer.

Maybe it was the selfish thing to do, to run and hide and pretend like nothing was happening, but Mikey was selfish and fragile and cowardly and nothing would change that.

"I can help you," Pete whispered so quietly that the words died on his lips and their corpses blown away by the gentle wind. He may have been oblivious, but he sure as hell wasn't stupid, and he of course knew that something was wrong. He just didn't know what it was.

I wish you could, Mikey thought, and he smiled and nodded his head. Cowardice was a curse.

—
i'm actually happy with this chapter for once :)

this fic will have been up for 1 year in a little less than 2 weeks. thanks for sticking around.