Hush Baby, Hush

A Love Lost?

I slowly sank to my seat and opened my eyes just as the crowd stood up to their full capacity and cheered.

“He won! He won!”

A tear collected in my eye but I wiped it away before Natalie could see.

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With a lie told and a heart burning I leaned against the school walls and debated if I should call my dad or not.

I swore up and down to Natalie that I had a way home, but I didn’t. Like an idiot I’d wanted to catch Austin and then use him as a ride.

In reality I shouldn’t have left my car home to begin with.

“Waiting for me?”

I pushed away from the wall and shook my head, “No.”

The lie fell clumsily from my lips and from the slight tilt of his lips I knew that he knew I'd lied. There was no need for me to do it either, but I'd fashioned a dramatic movie in my mind, one that featured me coming out as the winner and him coming out as the loser.

If he wanted me, he'd have to fight for me. Now or never.

Austin stood before me freshly showered and with a change of clothes. A simple white tee a size too small from him clung to his muscles and cinched around his wide forearms. Blue jeans hung slightly from his stocky frame and touched the shoelaces of his fresh white jays.

“Aw, why you lying Chris?” The devious boy raised his arm and wrapped his hand around the edge of a step. he dipped underneath, swiveled around until he was facing me and wrapped another hand around as if he were a child swinging on monkey bars again.

I shrugged and took a deep breath, “What are you doing?”

He inched closer, the scent of zest mingled with a hint of cologne tingled my nose. Austin wasn't one for beating around the bush, he never saw the thrill in playing hard to get or taking more time than necessary to get what he wanted.“Talking to you.”

Frustrated I turned away from him and ducked underneath the bleachers.  “Where you going?”

I wanted him for one time, for the first time ever to chase me. I wanted to be worthy of it, I deserved it, I'd worked hard for it. I ran my fingers along the hard surface of the steps, the field lights slid between the bleachers and cast long rays of white illuminating my dark skin by stripes.

“Away,” I frowned, but as he wrapped his other arm around my waist I knew it was the last place I wanted to be.

“No you not baby,” my back hit the wall as he pressed into me and found his way to my lips in the dark.

But it felt wrong to kiss him, it didn’t feel the same and he didn’t feel the same. His movements were rougher and his hands kept roving down to my butt.

It wasn’t the same at all, but why did I expect it to be?

“Austin,” I turned my head away from his kisses as his  hands rested on the front of my thighs. Austin found my neck instead and bent down to wrap his arms around my thighs, within moments my feet were off the ground and around his waist.

I panicked, I hadn’t calculated this route in whatever we were doing, but I thought, I was pretty sure that I’d made it known that I wouldn’t have sex with him

“Austin,” I pushed away at his chest and in response he let one of my legs fall, but he kept the other wrapped around him, “Stop.”

His lips drifted down to my collar bone, “If you loved me like you said you would do this for me.”

“No, I don't” I  mumbled. I gave his chest a weak push and protested weakly as his head rose and his soft lips covered mine. soft like Velvet and firm his lips pulled at my upper cusp and I sighed, releasing the restraint I'd held on to so firmly a minute before.

I'd lied. I did want to go further, I'd pictured it in my head and played it over again until it had become something of a mental film A production meant for only me to see and him to only dream of. Thinking about it, was ok, it was normal, typical of my raging teen hormones and a product of way too much gossip girl.

Actually acting it out, doing it with him without any qualms for what would happen later--that wasn't ok. I had no title, nothing to link me to him in a dignified way.

I didn't want to be just a girl, I wanted to be his girl and I wanted to be his only girl.

“I know you want it,”  He whispered against my lips. his hands caressed my arms and then slowly, gently held my wrists and pulled my arms above my head.

Even with his arms in use his body had a mind of it's own and the initial thrill of his lips crashing against mine faded when I felt his legs lock mine in on either side, "Austin get off."

I turned my head to the side and evaded a frantic kiss to which he groaned, "You always do this shit Chris."

He pulled away then and I faced him with every emotion I felt; hurt, rage, love, "You can't ask for something you haven't worked for Austin!"

Anger pooled in the pit of my belly, churned and rolled until tidal waves formed and crashed against the sides. The moment of truth had arrived and I felt like telling him everything.

"You can't have me AND Natalie Austin." I stomped my foot and clamped my newly formed fists to my side, "It's either me or her. Pick one."

If I'd been as smart then as I am now I never would have told him to pick one of us. I would have left it like that and told him that it was fine, he could have her and she could have him.

But I didn't and I regret it because the look he gave me was so full of contempt and arrogance I didn't recognize him. Or who he had become.

He didn't respond to my ultimatum, he merely chuckled, "Whatever, I'm through with you." 

“With what?!” my voice wavered as I watched him back away.

“I’m through with you,” Austin turned around and as I saw his back retreating my heart pounded in my chest.

“Fucking tease,” he muttered as he disappeared around the corner.

I thought him breaking my heart was the most painful thing, and indeed I felt that fragile thing in my chest cease to beat for a second longer than usual.

But it wasn't the most painful thing I'd felt.

It wasn't even close.