Little Girl Without A Name

Stepmom #4

It had been a week since Angela left and we moved to an apartment complex where he got a new job, I watched him slowly sink into a deep depression that took his appetite and he became a zombie he would walk in the door-from work sit in his recliner stare at the tv , not eat or speak just in a deep depression over losing Angela . Aunt B would come over and try to snap him out of it and also would take me to her house because he wasn't able to take care of himself let alone another person . Months went on with the sad dad and to be honest I felt sad for him . Not sure why I would feel sorry for a man who could care less about me but I did. In all honesty though ,?that's a downfall I've had my whole life feeling sorry for people who don't deserve it .
My dad finally starting coming around and my two uncles would often come over they would play music on their guitars and I had a little more of a life then I had before . I was twelve hitting puberty, not knowing exactly what my body was going through but I dare not ask my dad (what teenage girl wants to talk to her dad about female things ) my dad was seeing women here and there but surprisingly hadn't moved one in yet . But , my uncles and a couple of friends of theirs starting hanging around which ultimately introduced me to being touched , hurt and exposed to things that only a grown woman should be experiencing.
The first night I had experienced being molested , happened extremely fast and almost like a bad painful dream. I had gone to bed and the only people at our apartment was my dad , an uncle and myself . I feel asleep and all the sudden woke up to a painful feeling in a place it shouldn't be , when I opened my eyes this strange man that I hadn't met yet was walking out of my room, as he walked out he turned and looked at me. He had kind of blondish grey beard and shaggy hair and he just stared at me for a second and walked across the hall to my dads room where they were listening to music . It took me a long time to put together why a strange man that I had never met would just walk in a room to a girls room and touch her without being scared of being caught by my dad . Years later as the sexual abuse continued from different men that couldn't fit in this story even if I tried , and a major incident that I'll talk about later on, I realized he knew . Where they paying him? did he just not care ? Or what caused him to allow that ? I'll never know the honest truth . I kept that incident a secret because I was horrified my dad would blame me or it would put him back to his abusive state so I left it alone. I had made a mistake later on telling my counselor at school about another man that was friends with my dad and my fear of what would happen was exactly true of what I already knew . I was made a liar, beaten and still brought around the man who continued to hurt me:
A couple more months had went by and I was with my Aunt B and my cousins at her house when the phone rang ; it was my dad and he sounded happy and excited and said you will never guess who is over here right now but he would tell her over the phone so he told her to bring me home and we will see the surprise . Anticipation about drive Aunt B crazy but the look on her face was priceless when she seen who it was , it was Shirley a lady from the church we had attended who mentally wasn't there all the way , I say that but I mean her mind was that of a twelve year old and completely not my dads type, so I thought and everyone else thought as well . So here I am watching my dad hold hands with future Stepmom #4 and thinking this man honestly doesn't want to be alone because this is NUTS!!!
It moved extremely fast and I grew to love Shirley who in the beginning (I see now to impress my dad) was extremely nice . She took me shopping and loved hanging out with me . I was extremely excited even if she acted my age to have her . They got married shortly after meeting of course haha. And things were going great , we actually seemed like a real loving family . I should have known I would eventually be let down .
Shirley found out she was pregnant and it was the exact day she found out that her attitude towards me changed completely. It was almost like a Jekyll and Hyde moment . She became jealous of me and obsessive of my dad . I wasn't aloud to walk by him or when they would watch tv together I wasn't aloud to be in there with them or she would scold me and tell me to go to my room . She started telling my dad small mistakes and even made up ones that I did or supposedly did which in turn caused him to bring my old father back in my life .
The day my little brother number two was born was an exciting moment . I felt the same love and feelings I had when our other brother was born and even though I carried the pain of not growing up with my other brother and it never went away , have my littlest brother there eased it . I would take him in my room when he was little run his head , sing to him and put him to sleep . This time I could hold my brother and play with him .
Around the time my brother turned one we moved to a tiny town of about 300 people ,if that , and I was fixing to turn 14 , curious about the world but sheltered completely from it . My brother was walking or actually taking full on jet speed everywhere he went and I was the best thing on this planet to him . He would come to me more than his mom or dad which in turn made me feel loved, needed and wanted . Shirley was still hateful as ever and making sure on a daily basis I was in trouble for something so that my father would scold me when he got home , usually grabbed me by my arm and I spent most of my time sitting in the kitchen in the dark when he got home until bedtime.
I started school and met a girl that lived in the same town as I did , and I felt envious of her life , her mom let her sister , brothers and her do whatever they wanted to . My friend was a year older than me which was fifteen and her mom allowed her to date a 23 year old : now being sheltered and in a non loving home that just made me so envious . They smoked cigarettes and that's where I started my habit . I would hang out with all of them from the time I got off the bus to close to my dad coming home because he would kill me . Shirley didn't mind because as long as she wasn't around me I could leave just as long as I was home before my dad got home . So in the summertime I would hang out all day just so I wouldn't have to be home .
I loved having people around me that cared about me , we would take some beers and boys to the lake or close creek and just hang out , walk around that small town with nothing to do but always seemed like we were really doing something . All the kids there drank , partied , smoked and most parents didn't care and others just had rebellious kids . I lost my virginity in that town or what I like to refer to as I lost my own choice virginity because I lost it along time before that being forced .you would think with daddy issues and history of sexual abuse I would have mistaken sex for love but I did just the opposite, I never wanted to see him again. I wasn't going to allow him to reject me etc:.: so I blew him off but I liked how free drinking , sex and the old country music made me feel .
I started becoming more promiscuous because just for that one moment I felt pretty and the sex made me forget about life . I also started becoming more rebellious and showing up after my dad would get home and getting beat every time but I was numb to it . I would smart off with whatever or roll my eyes . I wasn't scared anymore and the more he realized that the worse it became even screaming at me that my mom didn't want me and he had to raise me . He sent me to live with my Aunt B and that was short lived , I brought my cigarettes and rebellious attitude with me and she could only handle me a month and sent me back to be with my dad . I was back with my friends and numbing myself with sex and alcohol again. My stepmom was happy as long as she had her little family to herself . She often told me she wish I hadn't been a part of the equation but words and bruises became nothing to me anymore . I could have been fine living life that way because I was happy and full of life I thought nothing could ever take this away from me .
I didn't realize how wrong I was and that a bigger nightmare and demon was fixing to show it's ugly face when the new police chief came to town and became my dads best friend .