Life of a Non Binary Nerd

Trace

!!!Trigger Warning!!!! I talk about self harm, if you don't like that then don't read.

So, self harm.
I have experience with cutting, I have not personally done it, but I want to some times. Every time there is a knife, I always see myself cutting. I have a friend who did, and I know what it is like.
Trust me, I know
Before I get in to details, please talk to someone if you are having thoughts of cutting or sucide. If you don't have anybody, you can talk to me.
So being non binary and having a girl's body is not easy. I get dysphoric, every day. I am out to my parents, but they won't let me change my look to something that I like. The pain that comes with dysphoria sucks. I don't cry, I just bottle up the emotions. I don't let them out, how could I?
I act. I have little to no emotion, and the little emotion I do have is not good.
Hate, discuss, sadness, disappointment
That's what I feel. I act, so people don't know. I put on my mask, and hide my emotion.
I want to let it out, but fear grips my lungs all the time.
And I am tired of it. I'm tired of tears choking me every time I try to let it out
I'm tired of having to act, and just not be me
I'm tired of just having the feelings
I'm tired of hating myself
So I look to a knife, it seems to call for me. And a little voice in the back of my head whispers, 'just take the knife, you will feel so much better.' I listen, but I don't do anything. I just bottle up the voice too. I'm scared one day I will do what the voice says. I'm scared that I will cut. That I will punish myself. That look at a knife as a way of release.
My parents say that having dysphoria is a natural part of growing up. Mabey that are right, mabey they are making a horrible mistake.
The thoughts that go through my head every time I look in a mirror, they always are horrible. "Look, who is that ugly girl. That's me." That's what I think. The idea of self harm is hard to resist. If you do cut, it is not your fault. Blaming yourself isn't going to make anything better. If you think of cutting, know that someone is always there for you.
So please, please tell someone.