The Pursuit of Felicity

{ Chapter 16 }

I let myself out of the large frat house and enter the gargantuan yard. I scroll through my friends social medias and find pictures of Axel and Gen and then Ashton and Mel. They went out to dinner together and I quickly close out when I feel my stomach start to tighten. I wish I was hanging out with Cam doing literally anything. Just sitting next to him would feel better than this.

I take a seat on the grass, which proves to be damp, but I don't care enough to get up. I stare up at the stars and try to shake the thoughts from my head. When I find myself only growing dizzy, my face falls into my arms and I let out a frustrated groan. All of this could've been avoided if I wasn't such an idiot. I keep saying it and beating myself up about it because it's true. If I'd have just communicated with him, things could be better. But I was a bitch; I still am. I'm a little bitch who is scared of commitment and communication but if anyone could've helped me get over it, it was Cam. And now he's gone.

I feel tears start to dampen my sleeves and I don't bother to wipe them away. I haven't been able to cry for a week because my sisters would've known that something was wrong. I didn't feel like explaining my stupidity to them and having them scold me as if I don't already know. As if I don't miss him so much. If only I had just listened and not been so scared, I could be with him right now, or at least on better terms with him. One things for certain- I wouldn't be at some frat party with a bunch of girls I barely know, crying like an idiot on the front lawn. I pull my head up, wipe at my eyes, and attempt to salvage the makeup on my face. I just wish I could talk to him one last time and tell him how sorry I am that I hurt him so he can at least have some closure.

I stare at my phone. I'm good at making bad decisions. In fact, I'm so good at making bad decisions that I don't even realize I'm making them most of the time. Except right now- I know that dialing his number and reaching out would be a bad decision. I still think about him every single day and I can't get him out of my mind, not even for a second. He's probably over me. He probably moved on. And if he hasn't, then he's definitely trying to. I don't blame him and I don't want to interrupt that. But I just want to hear his voice one more time before I let him go for good.

I press call and listen to the familiar ringing. I don't exactly expect him to answer. It's 1 in the morning and he has work in a few hours. He's definitely asleep. But at least I can say I tried. And I can probably hear his voice on the voicemail system he has set up. I expect to get the familiar automated greeting but instead, I hear a click and some shuffling. His raspy, deep, half-asleep voice enters the phone and I feel my heart shift in my body. "Hello?"

I wonder if he knows it's me or if he answered the phone in the dark, expecting it to be something important- someone important- with an emergency. "Hey," I exhale as I perk up a bit. There's a silence and I try to guess what he's thinking. Is he going to hang up? Is he going to call me a bitch? Is he going to yell at me for treating him like shit and then having the audacity to call him?

"Are you okay?" he decides to ask and I feel my heart shatter. Of course after being ghosted by me for over a month, he will answer my call and ask how I'm doing.

"No," I reply with a sniffle. "Are you?"

"Felicity," he says and he doesn't need to say more. I know what it means. It's the same thing as asking, 'are you serious?' while simultaneously saying 'of course I'm not.' Still, hearing him say my name sends shivers down my spine. What happened to being Flizzy?

I decide to be honest because I haven't been in a while. "I miss you," I manage to push out. "I miss you so much, and I know I have no right to because I left, but I do. Every day. And it hurts. And I'm sorry. I just miss you...a lot. I know I shouldn't have called you but I wanted to hear your voice one last time before I accept the fact that we're not together anymore and move on."