Shadows

Morning after
Still lingers
Just waking up
I see a shadow of you
Making breakfast for two
I go driving
Past our place and
I see this girl walk by
I smell her perfume
For a moment I wish it was you

Dean Winchester was tough, a hard ass, nothing ever got to him. His younger brother, Sam, could attest to that. Hell, anyone that knew Dean knew this to be true. He was the one who held it all together when everything was falling apart. And yet, here he laid in his bed haunted by shadows of her. She was everywhere in his room. Her scarf still hanging from his desk chair and her jacket still hung on the back of his door. Well, it was really his but she loved wearing it and he loved her in it. He sighed, climbing out of bed and getting dressed for the day. He knew he had to get out of the bunker to clear his head. He had to shake her off of him.

"Mornin', Dean. Coffee?" Sam said to his brother, shaking his mind off the sight he thought he saw. "Uh, yeah, sure." Dean replied,scratching his head. He could of sworn he saw her standing there making breakfast. She had loved doing that when they were able to stay at the bunker. He could have sworn he saw her in her yoga pants and sleep shirt, smiling at him asking him how he wanted his eggs.

"Dean? You ok?" Dean shook his head at his brother's voice, "Yeah...I just...I need to go for a drive. I'll be back." He walked away, leaving his full coffee cup and his brother concerned.

Open road. This was what he needed. The windows down, the air blowing all around and some classic rock blaring from Baby's speakers. He lost track of where he was until he saw the familiar sign. He slammed on the brakes and pulled into the parking lot. He sat in the car staring at the diner they went to all the time whenever they were home. He could see them sitting in their both, laughing, joking... He wiped the silent tears away and decided to go in. He got out of the car as a girl came walking by him and he got a smell of her perfume and he felt his heart stop. It was her perfume. 'If only it was her...'

I'm not gonna tell ya
I'm not gonna say that I'm okay, no
I'm tryin' to get over
I'm tryin' to get far away from our mistakes

He sped back onto the road, leaving a trail of dust behind him. How was he supposed to get over her if all these signs kept haunting him? He wasn't ok and he felt like he never would be again. All he wanted to do was drive, drive and drive as far as he could from it all. From the hurt, the loss and the mistakes. He knew, deep down though, that it wasn't possible and that thought drove him even more insane.

But I see shadows
Everywhere that I go
It's you, reminding me
Of how we were
Of how it was
I see shadows
Everywhere they follow
It's you and memories
Of how we loved
I've had enough of your shadows

Sam jumped when he heard the door slam, signaling Dean was back. He knew he was trying to run away from his feelings, it's how Dean dealt with them. Just drive, just drink, just ignore. Sam sighed, rising from his chair to see Dean in the kitchen taking a swig from a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

"Dean? You ok?" Dean scoffed, turning to face his brother, "Oh yeah, peachy." Sam ignored the sarcasm, "Listen, I know she's been gone for a couple months now, when are you going to talk about it?" Dean sighed, took another drink and sat the bottle down. "You want me to talk? You want me to bare my soul and tell you how ripped apart I feel? How I feel that I'll never be whole again? How she's every-fucking-where? Hell, she left my jacket behind, Sam. She never went anywhere without it and it still smells like her. She's the only one who I've ever let this deep inside me, the only one I truly loved. Now she's gone and I'm left here to deal with her shadows and the pieces that are supposed to be me. So yeah, there....I talked about it." He grabbed the bottle from the table and stormed out of the room, leaving Sam standing there speechless.

Four months gone
I can't feel you
I don't understand it
Where did you go?
I hate that you're all that I know

I'm not gonna tell ya
I'm not gonna say that I'm okay, no
I'm tryin' to get over
I'm tryin' to get far away from our mistakes

Four months. Dean felt himself notice the date and he felt strange how it affected him. Her shadows were starting to fade and it actually scared him. He had grown used to being haunted by her and it made him crazy. He just wanted to either have her back or to be over her, able to move on. He was having trouble trying to get back to work because he was so distracted by the fact she wasn't there next to him. He was so used to her being there that he felt lost out on hunts, like he had no idea what he was supposed to do. Why was she so wrapped up in his life like this? Why did he let her intertwine with him to this degree? It was like she was all he knew, even more than hunting which he never thought possible. He knew he had to shake the last of her from him somehow. She made her choice and followed through with it. He had to do the same, no matter how much it killed him inside.

But I see shadows
Everywhere that I go
It's you, reminding me
Of how we were
Of how it was
I see shadows
Everywhere they follow
It's you and memories
Of how we loved
I've had enough of your shadows

You couldn't love me
So why won't you leave me?
Shadows
Alone is the only place I want to be

Dean laid in his bed, listening to music and studying what was going to be their next hunt - a windego in Montana. He was feeling a bit better and was feeling like hunting was getting back to normal.

"Dean?"

He jumped at his name by her voice. He turned to see nothing and he felt his heart drop. "Damnit! Just leave me alone!! You didn't want to love me so just leave me alone!!" He screamed as he tossed the items off his desk onto the floor. He grabbed her scarf off his chair where she had left it and ripped it in half, the tears streaming down his face. He couldn't help but feel angry that he had let himself fall in love with her. All he wanted now was to just be left alone by her so he could move on with his life. She didn't want to love him,so why couldn't he shake her from him? All he wanted was to be alone. Hell, he didn't even want Sam near him. As if on cue he heard a knock on his door.

"Dean? You ok?" Sam's muffled voice said, causing Dean to sink to his bed. He felt all the air leave his body and it was like a switch had been turned off inside of him. He felt like he could no longer fight all the feelings inside of him. "Leave me alone, Sam. I just want to be alone."

I see shadows
Everywhere that I go
It's you, reminding me
Of how we were
Of how it was
I see shadows
Everywhere they follow
It's you and memories
Of how we loved
I've had enough of your shadows