mamma mia | jeremy jordan

12. the list

Ana's thumb rolled over the edge of the sheet of notebook paper, creating a scroll-like dent into the corner. When she noticed she was fraying the list, she attempted to push it down with her thumbprint. It kept curling up against her will. Ana gave up.

Her fingers grasped the cool metal spoon that clinked upon the glass mug once she stirred it. She lifted it slightly and kept stirring. The noise ended. Ana pulled her lips over the spoon to taste the over-priced latte. It was okay.

The coffee shop was at a warm temperature that was fine enough for the sweater, jeans, and boots Ana was attired in. She didn't get the uncomfortable shivers of heat she usually got when spring would come in and the afternoons would get humid. She was moderately sitting somewhere between both ends of the scale.

Measuring on the terms of anxiousness, she wasn't able to make the number split somewhere in the middle. She was sitting at a solid 100,000.

It was hellish.

Jeremy was late, the list in front of her was giving the devilish glare of a demon, the coffee was whispering shameful words down her throat, and she felt like everyone could see her dirty skin.

The list was a back-up plan. At least, it had become one.

After she wrote it, Ana went about her business for the day and rested well the next night. She was awoken in the middle of the night by a loud ringtone. Her phone: Ashley's contact. The woman was in gasping tears halfway across the city, blubbering again and again that she promised herself she wouldn't cry nor would she get therapy over the situation. But Ashley decided that facing the problem was the best thing to do.

She thanked Ana for helping her reach this decision after an hour long conversation. Then, Ashley told Ana that she thought they were going to be good friends, and that this phone call was gratefully bringing them closer together.

Ana felt disgustingly guilty after this.

She wanted to erase her own memory of the things she'd done. But she couldn't. She'd have to live with the guilt for who knew how long. And Ana did not want to add to the guilt by continuing to be friends with benefits with her new friends ex-husband.

So, she decided to bring back out the list and called Jeremy. A week later, they were back in the cafe they'd ran into each other nearly two months prior.

When he walked through the door, her heart pumped a load of blood up her throat. She swallowed the cells and coughed as he neared her. He grinned, having no idea why they were meeting at all- let alone in public.

He reached his arms down to envelope her in a hug, but she shrunk back. He cleared his throat, his face falling with his arms.

"Okay," Jeremy gave an awkward laugh, "I feel that something's not okay between us? Is that just a sense or what?"

"No, no. You're correct." Ana shifted in her seat, her fingers going back to fumble with her spoon.

Jeremy sat down across from her. He attempted to catch her flickering gaze, but failed. The clicking of her spoon grew to be annoying over the next minute.

Jeremy grasped her hands, finally meeting her eyes as he dipped his head down. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Ana stayed silent, giving him solemn eye contact.

"Oh, god," Jeremy's- whose mind was racing a mile and minute- thoughts molded into what their number one problem could be. "Are you pregnant?"

Ana snatched her hands immediately away from him. She blushed deeply, her face growing more sternly.

"No, hell no. A good thing I'm not, too." Ana practically spat at him.

Jeremy's eyebrows furrowed up in confusion. "Then what's the problem? You're being really, I don't know, fidgety? And you're eyebrow won't unfurl and it's causing my eyebrow to furl and I'm stressed."

Ana pushed her piece of notebook paper across the wooden table, breaking eye contact to watch it slide. "This is a list of basic rules I acquired after coming to the realization that this-" she motioned between them with her finger, "is getting too comfortable."

"What?" Jeremy pinched either side of the paper between his thumbs and pointer fingers, reading it over with a crinkled expression. "No cuddling after sex? Why not? You have really nice skin."

Ana refused to let herself laugh at this comment. "Well, you can admire my skin during sex."

Jeremy slumped back in his seat. "Okay, well because this is between both us, I get to veto some of these, or at least make compromises, okay?"

Ana sighed, nodding solemnly. "I guess I should explain some of them anyway, so tell me your opinions as we go along."

Ana snatched the paper out of his hand, cleared her throat, and said, "Rule Number 1: No cuddling after sex. Studies show that cuddling with someone creates feelings, and I am not catching feelings for you, Jeremy."

He smirked at the last sentence, "Then, I take that as a challenge."

"No," Ana nearly slammed her hand down on the table, frightening him in the slightest. "You will not. I do not want to catch feelings for you because of Ashley. She is my friend now and falling in love with her ex-husband will indefinitely break girl-code."

"Why can't you break girl-code? You've barely known Ashley for, what, a few months, not even that. We've had sex, Ana! We're way more connected than you and Ashley ever will be." Jeremy emphasized a few words within his statement, making Ana blush and shush him.

"Jeremy Jordan, do you want to fall in love with me?" She tilted her head to the side and looked pointedly at him.

He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "No, I'm just wondering why our friends with benefits pact can't be a little more friendly."

"Because one of my biggest fears is being completely, absolutely, and totally lonely. If I do this with you and we go further than sex, if we step close to an intimate spiritual relationship, and Ashley finds out, Laura could end up hating me, along with my only other friend in the world. Read this list, get it through your thick skull, and call me when you're ready for your next booty call." Ana slammed a five dollar bill onto the table and stormed out of the cafe.